Astrid's Diary
by ShipMistress
Summary: Hiccstrid-themed background story for httyd1 and the tv show. What if Astrid wrote a diary about the things that happened 'behind the scenes' and in between episodes? - on hiatus
1. HTTYD I

**AN:** This FanFiction is intended for those who watched the Dragons TV-show and wondered, just like I did, why the hell Hiccup and Astrid are 'just friends'. This may serve as an explanation since I'm sure there are many things that happen 'behind the scenes' of the TV-show. There are so many hints that I started to imagine myself a background story. I thought about rewriting the whole plot but figured I wouldn't have the patience for such a big project. So I decided to do it in the form of this diary.

 **Edit: Well, yes, obviously this is an older fanfiction, I wrote most of it before season 4 was out. I intend to lead this content into the new canon, let's see whether that's going to work... Anyway, I tried very hard to keep this story possible within the canon storyline and I'm not willing to give up on it.**

 **Edit2: I'm going to revice and correct the first few (older) chapters bit by bit. Sorry for the rather poor writing and many mistakes in those...**

 **So yes, Astrid probably wouldn't be the type who would have a diary. But I like the idea anyway. A girl has to sort through her thoughts somehow and I really, really don't see her confide in her 'BFF' Ruffnut. Probably rather in her ax, haha. Anyway, the 'Dear Diary's are not something she would write I think. Think of them as a marker for a new entry. A new day, new experiences and a new mood.**

* * *

 **Anticipation**

Dear Diary

It's been a while since I wrote to you. 9 years have passed since Uncle Finn died and those have been fairly good for me. My mind is set; I'll become Berk's best warrior ever. To avenge my uncle and to prove to everyone that the Hoffersons are no cowards! I've trained my strength and weapon skills and Gobber announced yesterday that we'll start our dragon training next week. I'm so excited! Finally, I can prove myself!

Maybe you wonder why I'm telling you this now after all these years of silence… Well, after waiting for so long finally something happens, here on Berk and in my life. I have to talk to someone about it! And the others surely are no use there! Snotlout and the Twins have no brain to even consider thinking and Fishlegs has probably too much of it, only wired all wrong. All these facts and numbers! As if one could simply sum up a living creature like a dragon in values of speed and strength...

Hiccup Haddock used to be a good partner for conversations, a friend even, but ever since he started working in the forge, even that changed. He should accept the fact that he's not a warrior and never will be. But no, he has to try and help as he calls it! He could be a great blacksmith which would help, too. But no, again, he wants to kill dragons, only Odin knows why. He'll probably get eaten sooner or later. Well, rather sooner than later, pitifully. I really used to like him back when we were kids.

But you see why I had to dig you out of my trunk again. Only you can help me sort through my thoughts right now. And I have a feeling you might be well needed.

I'll be writing you again soon!

PS: My mother said I shouldn't focus so much on fighting. _Being a warrior is good but don't forget to live. Look for a husband and build your own family, don't miss your chances._ She said. Can you believe that?

* * *

 **Compared to a dream**

Dear Diary 

Sometimes I hate my mother. Ever since she mentioned this husband-thing last week, my thoughts keep drifting away. I need to focus! Dragon training is not far off and I cannot afford to get distracted right now.

So I'll tell all these thoughts to you now and hopefully, they'll leave me in peace afterward.

Here it is: Both my parents have been warriors for all their life and I never saw them as anything else. But during the past few days, I noticed many small things that keep me wondering. How they talk and laugh over the small things of daily life, how they communicate with looks and gestures only, How they exchange kisses and sweet nothings when they feel unobserved. I took these entire things for granted but without a man at my side, a husband who cares for me, all this won't be a part of my life. And I realized I'm longing for this. Not now! But someday…

Three nights ago I even dreamed about something like that! A man, I never could see his face, wrapped his arm around my waist, pulled me close to him and kissed me. Such a strange dream! I can't imagine letting me be treated like that, ever. Like he was in charge or something. But the weirdest thing is, in that dream, I liked it. I liked him being the one to start and end the kiss. And I liked me being… weak?

When I think of this now I don't see me act like that, ever! I would never let a man just treat me like this! But this dream… my thoughts keep drifting towards it, toward him. I catch myself wondering who that man is, this warrior who's strong and brave, intelligent and kind. Somehow I know he's all that. I keep asking myself whether he really exists and whether I may find him. If so, it means I have to leave Berk and my family behind to travel the sea for I surely won't find him here! My options on Berk leave something to be desired...

I mean there are only four boys here my age and since I cannot imagine myself as a successive wife to a widower I would have to stick to them. Snotlout probably is the closest to being that warrior for he's strong and a good fighter and all… But bravery would require him to understand that there's any danger and he's far so stupid for that. Additionally, I would never describe him as kind. No, I can't see myself with Snotloud. Not at all!

Tuffnut? He might be not as strong but he can be cunning when it comes to traps and thinking ahead for them to work. But he, too, is not known for his intelligence or kindness.

Then there is Fishlegs. His size alone makes him strong and brave, too, since he has not as many things to be afraid of as others. And surely he is intelligent. And kind. Too kind I'd say to be a real warrior. He's off my list, too.

That leaves Hiccup... Weak and clumsy and idiotic Hiccup! Why oh why can't he stop this nonsense with all his inventions? None had ever worked and I doubt any ever will! So, he's not strong. He's not brave, for a true Viking would never use cowardly machines like that. He might be intelligent, but not intelligent enough to invent something useful. And if he had any kindness in him, he would stop trying to help, dammit!

Only today he destroyed our victory by freeing every single caught dragon and letting them fly away with half our stocks for the winter. Accidentally of course... Ha! I wouldn't be surprised to find him in league with the dragons somehow.

You see, it is hopeless! Unfortunately, there are no suitable husbands for me here on Berk, not anymore...

So, I hope this will help me to focus. I'm really looking forward to my first lesson in killing dragons!

* * *

 **The Gronckle lesson**

Dear Diary 

Finally, today was our first lesson in dragon training. We had to face an ugly Gronckle and simply survive by trying not to get hit by its lava. To be honest I was a little disappointed. It really was a very simple lesson. There is one thing about Fishlegs' numbers that actually _is_ useful and that's the number of shots a dragon has. So the beast got to shoot its six shots and then Gobber hurled it back into its cage. As I said, disappointing.

A surprise however, and not a good one, was Hiccup attending our training as well. He looked just as out of place as I would have imagined him in the arena. And he actually managed to get himself almost killed. By a Gronckle! That's pathetic…

I probably should talk to Gobber about this. There is no use in letting Hiccup try to prove himself when everyone knows he's just not up to it! Or-

No, that can't be it. I just had a horrible thought. What if the chief let Hiccup join on purpose, practically counting on him to die? He then could name another one as his heir, without any shame to his family name. No... No, I can't imagine Stoick the Vast being that callous. But then… Maybe I should keep an eye on Hiccup during training… Knock him out or something, that would be better anyway. For everyone!

* * *

 **The Nadder lesson**

Dear Diary

I'll defiantly knock him out next time! Or kill him myself! AARGG! He's such an idiot, so useless and probably laughing about the rest of us.

Okay, okay… Calm down, Astrid. Keep breathing. In. Out. … … … AAAARGGG!

…

…

…

Okay, so here's the thing. Today, we had another lesson in dragon training. We had to hide from a Deadly Nadder. That means being fast and quiet, always in its blind spot. To be fair and honest, everyone failed there. The Twins started an argument again and Snotlout started to flirt, _again!_ *gag* All whilst fighting one of the most dangerous dragons we know of. Clearly, as I mentioned before, no brain in those heads…

Fishlegs chickened out, by the way. I only caught glimpses of him running away. Clearly, he's not that brave after all!

And Hiccup? What do you think that useless idiot did? Right, he ruined every attempt by talking or banging his shield to the ground. Every time, the beast found me again and at the end, it almost killed us both just because my ax got caught in his stupid shield. I didn't really mean it when I wrote about him being in league with the dragons but now I wonder. Either he's far more clumsy and stupid than I thought or he does all this on purpose. I'll defiantly keep an eye on him!

* * *

 **The Zippleback lesson**

Dear Diary

Maybe I should have knocked him out after all when I had the chance. As I said I kept an eye on Hiccup and he really acted very weird. In part that's not his fault; he may be just reacting to the mockery. In that case, I would be to blame as well for I joined the snide remarks by Snotlout, Tuffnut, and Ruffnut. I actually feel sorry for that but he's so weird! Only two weeks ago he would sit with us during meals. It's not that we all were friends but we grew up together and that does count for something. That changed when we started dragon training. The picking on him got worth and he retreated more and more. These days he sits alone at another table and disappears into nowhere as soon as our lessons are over. I wanted to follow him but this last training… It was just too weird and when I remembered what I had planned to do, he was already gone.

We faced a Hideous Zippleback, nasty beast, and had to work in pairs in order to drench the right head with water. Meaning the flashy one. You know, what I mean… Truth be told we all failed and it actually wasn't Hiccup's fault. The weird thing is what happened then. Hiccup managed to get the dragon back into its box. All by his own without any weapons or equipment. He just walked slowly towards it and the dragon backed away. Almost as if it was afraid of him. Of Hiccup! He talked to it, too. Something like 'Back! Back! Don't you make me tell you again!' Like he was talking to a little child only it was a dragon and it seemed to understand him. I've never seen anything like that!

And before anyone realized what happened Hiccup was gone...

I don't know what to think of this. Maybe I'm still too stunned. Surely tomorrow will be better!

* * *

 **Training proceeds**

Dear Diary

This is getting ridiculous! I've trained almost my entire life to become a dragon killer and scrawny, stupid Hiccup wins every match! I don't know how he's doing it! Every time I think I'm doing quite well. I sneak up on the dragon quite fast, get my ax ready and when I start to launch the dragon's already on the ground at Hiccup's feet. And he didn't even use any weapons again. It's really frustrating!

Why is he so much better than me? Is he doing some secret training? But how? I don't think Gobber could train him in any way that would explain his success. And if it's not Gobber then who else would willingly to train Hiccup? No, that can't be it.

So there is only one explanation left. If it's not Hiccup who suddenly became some kind of god with the dragons then it must be me. I'm obviously really not as good as I thought I'd be.

But no, that would mean the others are just as bad and secretly Hiccup had always been good at fighting dragons. Ha! Good Joke, Astrid… No, it has to be something else…

When I practiced ax-throwing in the forest the other day I saw him sneaking around there. He acted very suspicious and when he saw me, he got really nervous. I wonder what he was doing out there. I'll try to figure it out! Follow him or something.

Well, in two days we have our final lesson and Gothi is going to decide who the best dragon fighter is. Maybe she'll recognize skill over dumb luck.

I'll tell you about it afterward.

* * *

 **The day that changed everything**

Dear Diary

This day is over. Was it really just one day? So much happened! I can only begin to work through all of this. But one thing's for sure. I'll never be the same person I was this morning ever again. But I better start at the beginning. Maybe it'll help me to understand some of today's events.

There was our final lesson, the decision between Hiccup and me. The great day! Ha! That feels so insignificant now. To make it short, Hiccup won. He had the dragon, a Deadly Nadder, down again before I even reached it. When Gothi declared him to be the winner I was soo, soo very angry. I remember it but I cannot feel any of this anger anymore. Just as I expected, Hiccup snug away as soon as possible and I followed him focused on not losing him again in the forest.

I found him in a hidden cove, wearing some kind of strange harness. It seemed suspicious to me and when I confronted him, he got pretty evasive. He was so obviously lying that I wanted to beat the truth out of him, maybe using my ax a little, too. But before I could do any of this, a black dragon appeared from nowhere, jumping towards us, baring its teeth and growling. I readied my ax to defend us but Hiccup launched at said ax and wrenched it out of my hands. Suddenly he stood between the dragon and me and for a moment, I thought he heroically wanted to protect me.

But then he started talking to the beast, appeasing it and at the same time blamed me for frightening him. Yes, him, for the dragon, a Night Fury obviously, seemed to be his pet. He even named it. Toothless, haha. I may never understand how he was able to actually introduce us without laughing about that name while the beast snarled at me. Or so I thought at least... I scrambled to my feet and ran. I ran for my life away from Hiccup who obviously went mad and away from that dragon. The Unholy Offspring of Lightning and Death Itself. That's what we call this dragon. How could anyone befriend a beast like that?

I didn't get far before something, Toothless, grabbed my arm and lifted me high into the air. I thought then that I would surely die. The beast dropped me right above a tree and I managed to get hold of a branch before I fell into a chasm. When I looked up, I saw Hiccup sitting on that dragon's back, towering over me. He begged me to listen, to let him show me something and without any choice, I agreed.

I climbed off the tree and onto the dragon's back behind Hiccup. When I now think of this moment, it might well have been the most important moment of my life so far. But back then, I was simply frightened to death and it didn't get any better when the dragon started to fly. He seemed determined to scare me as much as possible and flew up high only to tumble down again, rolling. He dived into the ocean again and again. I probably screamed, clinging to Hiccup and hiding my face against his neck. I couldn't watch us tumble down to die, I was just too frightened.

But then it happened. The flight became calmer and when I finally dared to open my eye, I was… well... _flying!_ Only not in the I-will-surely-die way but more the I-must-be-dreaming way. We drifted towards the sunset through the clouds and I actually could touch one of them. It was so wonderful. I have never felt so free before. We flew for what seemed like hours and I had a lot of time to think for Hiccup didn't say one word the whole time.

I then had to readjust my estimations of Hiccup completely. And after all this time I owed him to be really honest, with myself at least.

I had to start with my resentment of the last weeks which originated in… erm… jealousy. I couldn't understand how he managed to be so good and he made me doubt myself which felt horrible to me. But when I understood that point, all the bad feelings disappered like mist in the sun. He never was a better fighter than me. He just understood the dragons far better. And yes, in a way he actually was in league with them. Only not in a traitorous way but rather a peace-bringing one.

Then there was my resentment of the past five years. You know, that we were friends once and I always regretted the loss of this friendship. Maybe it could have been even more than friendship if only he wouldn't have been so annoying on too many occasions. But now, I understand more of these occasions. Yes, he never was a good fighter but it start to think that might not necissarily be a bad thing. Without the feelings of resentment, I can admit to myself that his skills as a blacksmith are really good. I never liked him working there but that's probably because I always associated it with being the start of him changing away from me. But I guess it wasn't the start. It was only another symptom. I still have to figure out what started it though.

And that left on estimation to readjust, meaning the one I made about two weeks ago after my strange dream. As I said I had a long dreamlike flight to think through all of this. I realized then that this unknown man from my dream was probably sitting right in front of me, literally.

I mean… it's really hard to describe but I'll try anyway. For once he's not strong. That's still true. But he does have muscles; I could feel them fairly well through his tunic. Working in the forge didn't make him bulky and he'll probably never win an arm-wrestling match against Snotlout. But he's not weak either.

And he is brave! Odin knows, he must be. He befriended a Night Fury after all. And the way he sat there in front of me, so sure and calm. I actually admired him for that.

His intelligence and kindness haven't ever been a real issue. If I'm honest and I really want to be than my former estimation of these values was more than just a little biased. Years of hurt, of missing my friend made me resent him. But seeing this new side of him… It provoked me to rethink my behavior. I was changing at that time, too. Maybe we both are to blame for not comprehending each other. And maybe, this is our second chance!

My dear, dear Diary. It made me feel light as a feather to even think these words while we flew above our village at night. Writing it down now may seal my fate but I have to do it. I just have to! I fell in love with Hiccup during this flight! Or maybe these feeling were only renewed, stronger and truer than they ever have been before.

I am in love with Hiccup.

Dammit!

I only wish this realization was the end of this day.

Actually… I'm too tired and worn out to write more now. I will tell you tomorrow. I have too much on my mind to deal with this other thing as well right now. And what's more pressing anyway: Hiccup has to kill a Monstrous Nightmare in front of the entire village tomorrow and I know for a fact that he won't do it! So what other outcomes are left?

* * *

 **Worst days ever**

Dear Diary

I feel like I'm dying. In every moment, with every breath, I'm dying. Hiccup is injuredand might never wake up again. I keep wondering whether I could have prevented this from happening but I'm at a loss of ideas. It wouldn't change anything anyway. I spend almost all my time watching him, lying pale and motionless in his bed. All these wasted years keep pressing me down and I can't breathe.

But I have to tell you what happened. The thing I couldn't tell you the other day was that at the end of our flight on Toothless through the night, we happened to discover the Dragon's Nest. There lived a gigantic dragon we now call the Red Death. Hiccup and I discovered with Toothless' help that the dragons were only raiding Berk because they were forced to do so.

When Hiccup then fought the Monstrous Nightmare, everything went wrong. Stoick discovered Toothless and forced him to show him the way to the Dragon's Nest. Hiccup then taught Snotlout, the Twins, Fishlegs and me how to train and fly dragons. We flew after the ships. Our warriors were unable to fight the Red Death but we on our dragons could do it. We managed to free Toothless and Hiccup defeated the Red Death practically on his own. But the price he had to pay for the victory was too high. The Red Death died in an explosion and Hiccup fell from the sky. I still see this horrible image in my head. Hiccup falling into the flames. Toothless bearly able to reach him. And then, nothing. Silence. Only smoke and dust remained. Stoick was the first to discover Toothless lying on the ground, unmoving. In that moment, my heart stopped beating, too. The chief then announced that Hiccup was still alive and I was so relieved. Only the relief turned to dread when we discovered Hiccup's injuries. The healers are unsure whether he'll make it or not. He lost a leg for sure.

I keep caring for Toothless and the Deadly Nadder that Hiccup made me train and fly. I called her Stormfly and these two dragons are the only comfort I have right now. I wish so dearly Hiccup would wake up. I have so many things to tell him; my feelings for him and my gratitude for bringing Stormfly into my life. And so much more.

Please, Hiccup. Please wake up. Please…

* * *

 **The End of everything we knew**

Dear Diary

It's been two weeks now since Hiccup defeated the Red Death. He still did not wake up but the healers say he's going to do so soon. I'm waiting for it every minute. I'm sitting here in my room at the window, watching the Haddock house for anything to happen.

I see Stoick leaving the house right now. He looks broken and worn out. I know that he blames himself for what happened. He told me so during the first days after…

It is strange. I never had much to do with our Chief. But during these days, I got to know him in a way I never expected to. Everyone knows him as one of the toughest warriors Berk has ever seen. He would never break and never back down. But behind this, there is a caring man with a big heart. I never thought of these as being good things but now I understand that compassion is not a weakness. It makes one stronger for it gives a reason to fight. Under these circumstances, Hiccup might be the strongest of us all.

I -

Dear Diary

I'm sorry for my abrupt ending the last time. I saw Hiccup leaving his house and forgot everything else. He's awake and will be fine. He's also getting used to his fake leg, he just said so the other day. I'm so relieved!

Berk is changing by the day. Everywhere one looks are dragons. No-one's fighting them and most people get used to them quite fast. I can see children cuddle a Gronckle and old Gothi seems to be fond of Terrible Terrors. It is amazing!

You may wonder how I'm doing. I'm…fine. Things haven't developed as I expected them to. When Hiccup woke, I immediately ran toward him. I couldn't help myself I punched him on the arm for scaring me so much.

And then I kissed him right on his lips in front of everyone. It felt so right in that moment but now I'm not so sure about it anymore. He did say he could get used to it. That is good, isn't it? But since that day he never mentioned anything or did anything. I feel like an idiot! I assumed as soon as I would let him see my feelings we would be together. It never occurred to me that he might not feel the same for me. But that's what it seems to be. I'm such a fool. It serves me right I guess.

But who knows. Hiccup is alive and well and we have the dragons and a whole new future ahead of us.


	2. Rider of Berk (And GOTNF)

**Hey everyone.**

 **From this chapter on there also will be some actual life scenes. Some things are worth it.**

 **Have fun reading :)**

* * *

 **Daily life**

 **Dear Diary**

The past few months on Berk have been very busy. Without the need of fighting off dragons and without them taking away all our stocks there is a whole lot more of free time. But then there are other things to do now. Repairing buildings for example. Luckily we don't have to help there since we have other things to do.

'We' means the old team Fishlegs, Snotlout, Tuffnut, Ruffnut and me. And Hiccup of course for he is practically the leader of this little group. We are the dragon riders of Berk now. It surprised me when after Hiccup's success against the Red Death and the whole Peace-with-the-dragons-thing no one else dared to actually get a dragon of his own. But that's just how it is.

We practice almost every day to fly, maneuver and fight with our dragons. My Stormfly really is a great dragon. I adore her. She's fast and strong and beautiful and intelligent. She also became a real friend to me. She's the first thing I see in the morning when she looks through my window. And she understands when I'm sad and comforts me.

And I do at times nowadays, feeling sad I mean. I mean, it's a little stupid. Hiccup and I became really good friends during the past weeks. We have a kind of understanding none of the others share. It is not however what I would have wished for. We are close but in a different way. That will have to be enough for now.

It seems to me that all he really cares about are the dragons and their training. So I try my best to be really good with this. Maybe it's foolish trying to impress him like that. But then he's not the only reason I'm doing this. As I said, Stormfly _is_ great.

But Hiccup really never reacted in any way to me kissing him. I thought that maybe... with some time… Ah, who am I kidding? He's simply not interested in me in any romantic way. I should accept that. It's just not that easy!

For example, it always bothered me when Snotlout started his flirting attempts. But now I become downright angry. I want to hit him or kick him especially when he starts it while Hiccup is around. I feel like I have to proof I'm not interested in Snotlout which is stupid, really…

Another thing is that I'm always aware of him when he's around. I always know exactly where he is and subconsciously orientate myself towards him. Pathetic I know… I just want to be near him.

We had Snoggletog the other week and Hiccup proved again his talent with dragons. How he managed to bring them back to us was really amazing. I was so grateful and it was Snoggletog and… I don't know. I…kissed him again although I knew it was stupid. I immediately embraced him afterward, so I wouldn't have to see his face, which was a wise decision for he didn't react. He only worried about the then still missing Toothless. It was selfish I know… But it hurt that I couldn't even distract him for a moment. Toothless is always the first thing on his mind.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't dislike Toothless or anything! He's great and I'm glad he's part of Hiccup's life now.

And I love watching those two fly together! Seeing the pure bliss on Hiccup's face whenever he's flying does make my heart ache but I'm also happy for him. I know he didn't have a real friend these past years which is in part my fault.

Maybe there will always be only the small things for me to enjoy. Like when the two of us were snowed up in that cave made by Toothless' and Stormfly's wings. He was holding me in his arms to keep me warm which felt really good. I'll savor this memory for I don't think something like that will happen again anytime soon… or at all…

 **Alvin the Treacherous**

 **Dear Diary**

I have to tell you now about an incident that may very well influence our whole future. Mildew, the scarecrow of an old man who hates dragons, put on some kind of frame to make everyone believe our dragons were responsible for destroying our village. And he was successful; Stoick had no choice but to abandon all our dragons to a far off island. Alvin the Treacherous, a longtime enemy to Berk, used right that time to try and kidnap Hiccup. His reputation's running wild. Apparently, he's known as 'The Great Dragon Conqueror' and at least 10 feet tall… … … haha

Ah well, that gave me away, didn't it? Of course, we beat Alvin and got our dragons back. But there are still a few things that bother me about this incident. For once I don't believe for one moment, that this was the last we heard of Alvin. I have a feeling it might just have been the beginning.

Then there were other things, smaller ones. There was a time during all this when Alvin got hold of me and was questioning me about our great dragon conqueror. I didn't know where Hiccup was at that time but I would never have given him away. I was determined to answer none of their questions. Then Alvin and his men were starting to threaten me and pulled my hair. It actually hurt but not that much. I cried out more in surprise than pain. But that was the moment Hiccup left his hiding place behind a rock and gave himself up to Alvin. I wondered all this time whether he did it to save me. But later I overheard him talking to his father. He said ' _I was thinking all I needed to do was to get to Toothless._ ' So much for saving me…

And it worked, right? Alvin took him to the island where our dragons were. We followed them and together with our dragons we were able to defeat Alvin and his men. During the fight, a rock almost hit Stormfly and me and I fell onboard of Alvin's ship, hard. But no one seemed to care that I fell. They all just fired further at the enemy's ship. I mean, Hiccup did pick me up but only after his father was already onboard to fight Alvin. Oh, and earlier when we just arrived on our dragons to help Hiccup, when I still felt giddy for him saving me, I asked him whether he missed me. It was intended as a joke but he didn't even react and only looked away impassively.

I. Am. Stupid. I really should remember that…

When we flew home and the high of the battle wore down I started to feel the pain. My fall off Stormfly was probably worse than I thought. Gothi declared later I had two cracked ribs and wasn't allowed out of bed at all for some days. My Mom doesn't leave me out of her sight these days. As if I would ignore a Healer's advice so carelessly. … Okay, maybe my mother does know me a little…

Since I am trapped inside Hiccup spends a few hours every day here to keep me company. My Mom always gets slightly shiny eyes and _then_ suddenly can leave the house under the pretext that she had things to do.

As if she would bother Hiccup…

The first time his visit inspired another spark of hope in me and I was quite grateful for my Mom to leave. But as always this hope got crushed after 2 or 3 days. He's doing it out of guilt I'm sure. Because I got hurt while coming to his aid. Nice to see other people can be stupid, too.

* * *

 _I lie on my bed and watch Hiccup draw something into his notebook. He has done so often these past few days. Since I am practically chained to my bed by the pain he tries to distract me by telling me what happened in the village. Sometimes, like now, he sketches a scene or a sight for me._

 _I like to watch him do so. He looks so serene and happy while sketching. Like he's in another world._

 _'_ _And then there's this waterfall! It is so high up the water never reaches the ground but turns into mist instead. We have to fly there together someday. It's amazing!' he says and comes over to show me the picture of the newly found island. It really looks beautiful._

 _'_ _How's Stormfly doing?' I ask, slightly to distract myself from the fly-there-together-part. Hiccup tends to her until I can do it myself again. She was with the others on the new island._

 _'_ _Oh, she's okay…' Hiccup rubs his arm where I can see a white bandage peering out under his shirt. 'She's missing you! Gets more erratic every day.' He chuckles. 'I have to bribe her with chicken, thank for that hint!' I smile slightly. That's my girl, gaining as much as possible from a bad situation. But then…_

 _'_ _She hurt you.' I state sadly. 'I'm sorry!' Hiccup waves his hand. 'Ah, don't be! That's nothing, just a scratch.' Yeah, a scratch with a bandage…_

 _'_ _Astrid?' I turn my head slightly towards him. Every movement hurts. 'I… have to leave you now.' He says reluctantly. 'Feed our monsters, the forge…you know.' So soon? Right, the sun's already setting. I sigh._

 _'_ _Thank you for coming, Hiccup.' I smile up at him as he steps closer to my bed so I can see him more easily._

 _'_ _Anytime.' He promises. 'I'll be back tomorrow. Or maybe Gothi will let you get up again.' He smiles hopefully. Yeah, so you don't have to come and entertain me anymore, I think. Hiccup waves and turns toward the door. I don't want him to come here out of a stupid whim of guilt. I have to tell him that I would do it again whenever needed. For him._

 _'_ _Hiccup?' I hear myself say. He turns and looks at me with a strange expression I can't name. 'Yeah?' He asks. I swallow. What was it I wanted to tell him? 'I… I mean… You don't…' I stammer._ I care for you! _My inner voice shouts at me._ Tell him! I! Care! For! You! _'_ _Hiccup, I…' I break off again. Dammit, what up with my mouth?_

 _Hiccup comes back and seats himself at the edge of my bed frame. He places his hand on my arm and smiles at me. 'I know.' He says. What? He knows? How? Why? WHAT?_

 _'_ _But you don't have to be tough, Astrid. It's alright. That's what friends are for.' He's out of the room before I can think clearly again. I'm beginning to hate the word 'friend'._

 **Flights and Paintings**

 **Dear Diary**

Stoick got himself a dragon. A Thunderdrumm, can you believe it? He named it Thornado which really suits him.

Hiccup had a whole lot of work to do before his father agreed to a dragon. On one day finally, they were flying around the island. On the next then Hiccup was practically chained to the ground as his father _borrowed_ Toothless for his daily work. I spend said day with him, trying to cheer him up or at least distract him.

Hiccup told me then that he thought it funny how similar his father and I were. _Excuse me?_ For what finally changed his father's mind was a calm flight over the village of Berk, through the clouds and into the sunset. He couldn't stop talking about it and even thought about a notice in the Book of Dragons according to this simple way of convincing people.

Haha. Funny indeed. Funny, my axe!

I didn't say anything. I just tried not to show how much it hurt until we parted. This first flight with Hiccup and Toothless through the clouds… For me it was magical. Unique. Unrepeatable. It was the beginning of a new life. In a way, Hiccup destroyed that today.

 **Dear Diary**

I've been mad at Hiccup for this whole Flying-through-the-clouds-thing for days now. Whenever we talked there was a small mean part of me that wanted to hurt him, too. Today then Bucket presented the traditional painting of the chief and his heir to the tribe. It looked hideous, like Snotlout with a dump version of Hiccup's face. When Tuff then made fun of it and asked about what had happened to Hiccup I joined the mockery and replied ' _Who cares?_ ' loud enough for Hiccup to hear.

I was acting petty and I felt guilty right away. But later when Hiccup and I were walking through the village I did it again. I told him that surely his father accepted him. He just accepted the painting more. That must have hurt and I regretted saying this immediately. Luckily I was spared an apology for our dear fellow dragon riders were being stupid again.

They had found a treasure map of some sort and to my surprise Hiccup joined in to go on a treasure hunt to impress Stoick. I then had a realization. As much as it might have hurt Hiccup to never be a part of our little group during the past years it probably was nothing against not being accepted by his own father.

How could I resent Hiccup for trying to explain himself to his father? How could I resent him for being happy his father finally understood him? I really must be a bad person.

I then tried to make it up to him by joining their stupid treasure hunt. During it, Hiccup got buried in a cave and I thought I had lost him for sure this time. But thank Odin he wasn't harmed at all. This should be a lesson for me! What was Stoick's favorite sentence again? _We're Vikings! It's an occupational hazard._ Yeah, I should get used to actual danger. This taught me that even a rather safe thing like this treasure hunt could end deadly. Our lives might be too short for petty grudges.

 **Heather**

 **Dear Diary**

There is a new girl on Berk. Her name is Heather and she got shipwrecked at Berk's shore. She's slight but pretty, I guess. Our boys all fell for her in two seconds. Snotlout, Tuffnut, and Fishlegs acted really embarrassing but Hiccup was also suspiciously nice to her. Well, he's always nice but to me, it seemed like... more. Heather stays in the chief's house, as it is custom. That means, right now she's probably lying in Hiccups bed.

I don't like her. Somehow I don't buy her story of pirates attacking her village and all. She's acting strangely somehow, a little too friendly, too weak… I think I saw her earlier this night sneaking around the village. I wonder what she's planning.

 **Dear Diary**

Hiccup is such an idiot! He'll regret this day ever happened. Oh yes, he will!

For once he stood me up. We had an appointment to train our dragons speed together but he never showed up. Instead, I saw him fly with Heather showing her the island. I couldn't control my anger and my otherwise perfectly calm front cracked. The others mocked me in the arena for it. I won't forgive her for this! Or him! Later she was flirting her guts out to get the boys talking. She asked about the dragons, what's to heed and how to treat them.

I tried to talk to Hiccup about her more than once toady. She's leading them on; he shouldn't trust her! I caught her at Stormfly's stable; she was trying to befriend her by feeding her chicken can you believe it? She must have listened in on me last night. She secretly read the Book of Dragons! I even saw her talking to Savage on the shore. She's defiantly working with the Outcast but Hiccup doesn't believe me. He told me to lighten up and send me away.

Oh, he'll regret this I swear he will. They all will when she gives us away.

 **Dear Diary**

I! Told! You! So!

Dammit!

She stole Stormfly. And she stole the Book of Dragons! Luckily we were able to capture her before she reached Outcast Island and Stormfly is safe again. But Alvin has the Book of Dragons.

Hiccup said nothing until we reached Berk and immediately fled into his room after we landed, leaving it to us to lock Heather up. He didn't apologize and didn't admit his mistake. That's just fine with me. Let him feel the entire guilt he deserves!

 **Dear Diary**

It's unnerving. Heather attempts to flee almost every day. How does she think she's going to flee from an island that's guarded by dragons? But every day again we, or mostly I, have to capture her again. Hiccup and the others are probably too ashamed to show their faces and Ruffnut can hardly fly Barf and Belch on her own. Especially Hiccup is hardly seen anywhere. He spends his whole time in the forge working on something secret. I can't imagine what in Odin's name could be so important.

* * *

 _I scratch Stormfly's neck and she croaks in delight._

 _'_ _That's my girl!' I say, more to myself than to her. My only friend left. Hiccup hasn't talked to me since we lost the book and surely I won't make the first move. It was his mistake, his alone! I lean down to pick up some leftovers of Stormfly's meal when I hear someone approach, the rustling of cloth and a slight banging of metal against metal. Heather again? I won't simply lock her up again this time. This time I'll hurt her! I reach for my axe that's leaning against the wall. I wait until the sounds are near enough then swirl around, axe ready to strike – and stop._

 _I see a pair of green eyes - red-rimmed and swollen, tired and frightened – under an untidy patch of auburn hair. Hiccup! I stare at him, unsure what to do._

 _'_ _Uhm…' he says shakily 'Would you be… so kind as… to put that down? Maybe?' I stare at him, uncomprehending. His pupils go down towards my axe. My axe that's resting on his neck, a tiny red runlet trickling down its side. My fingers go numb and the axe falls off my hands._ I almost killed him! _I realize, shocked._

 _'_ _Oh, Thor!' He sighs and steadies himself against the stable wall. 'I almost thought you meant it. You… would have any right to…' He swallowed._

 _I recover slightly from the shock and start to leave the stable. I don't know what to say and I don't want to make this easier for him._

 _'_ _Astrid! Please wait. Let me at least talk to you!' He calls after me. I stop and wait, not turning. I hear him take a deep breath. 'I'm sorry, Astrid. I really am! I should have listened to you. You were right about Heather and everything she did. I was an idiot. I thought that… that you were jealous somehow which was really stupid since you are beautiful and perfect and she could never even reach you so why would you be jealous of her. And...' He babbles on and I sigh, shifting my weight from one leg to the other._

 _Hiccup stops talking nonsense and takes another deep breath. 'I want to apologize, Astrid. Please take this as a peace offering.' I still don't turn and after a while, I hear him place something on the floor. 'I'm so sorry…' he whispers and hurries past me out of the stable. I catch a glimpse of red at his neck and feel a spark of guilt rise inside me._

 _I turn to take a look at his_ peace offering _. It's a large piece made of leather, as long as my arm and as wide as my hand, fingers outstretched. It has straps and laces made of leather attached to it and some metal clasps, too. All is polished until it shines and on the top, an intricate pattern is engraved into the leather. It reminds me somehow of wind and clouds, the sun and the ocean. I stare at the piece, bewildered._

 _'_ _A saddle!' I blurt out, to no one in particular. Hiccup made me a saddle. Ever since Gobber tried to make some for us I longed for one. I pick it up and place it on Stormfly's back. She's not used to it and fidgets until I take it off again but I saw enough. It fits perfectly. 'You'll get used to it!' I promise her laughing and scratch her again. She hums and I leave her, taking the saddle inside with me. So that's what Hiccup was working on all this time. It is a beautiful piece of craftsmanship and he made it for me. I smile a little when I reach the door but before I can open it I realize something and I almost drop the saddle._

 _Did Hiccup just call me beautiful?_

 **Dear Diary**

This Saddle is amazing! I'm pretty sure Hiccup had no chance to measure Stormfly these past days and still it fits perfectly. He really is good with these things. I was a little disappointed when I saw he made some for the others, too, but theirs are much more functional and simple. They are still in perfect quality of course but without polish or engravings, no piece of art like mine.

Hiccup told us he made them so we all would be safer and could fly faster without worries. He avoided looking at me and ignored the snide remarks from the others about my special saddle. His logic is obvious and I won't contradict him but I know better. I know _him_ better, good enough to have a fairly good idea of his past days. These saddles are him making amends.

Hiccup's not stupid. He knows it was his mistake. And he's a good person. His sense of guilt certainly made him torture himself far more efficiently than anyone else could have, I included. He probably worked day and night, bleary eyed and with pained muscles. He wouldn't sleep unless he broke down over his desk and wouldn't eat unless Gobber forced him to. I've seen him do so before and it was horrible to watch. To think this time the reason was attached to me…

I forgive Hiccup. Maybe I did it long before when we returned to Berk and he wouldn't even talk. But I was still angry and now I am no longer. His debt is paid and we can move on. But I won't forget this incident and neither will he, I sure. Next time he'll heed my warning.

 **Dear Diary**

We're ready to get the book back. We've practiced new fighting skills with our dragons and I have a plan that'll surely work. I'll dress up as Heather and go to Outcast Island in her stead. I'll get the Book and flee. It's really simple. I've talked with Hiccup about it already and he didn't like it. But in the end, he saw the necessity, too. It is our only chance to get the Book of Dragons back.

It was… pleasant somehow to see him so worried for me. It gives me a warm feeling. He even helped me to prepare and plans to fly to Outcast Island, too, to make sure I get out of there. Maybe…

Oh, stop it, Astrid! Don't start being stupid again.

 **Dear Diary**

You won't believe me but I made a new friend. I recognized myself in her. She's tough as nails and would do anything to protect those dear to her. I was sorry to see her sail away earlier today. I would have liked it to have her around some more. She surely would be better company than Ruff and the others.

And she refrained from hugging Hiccup Good Bye, which she did for my sake, I think. After such a short time she understands me better than any of the others do. I surely hope we'll see Heather again!

 **Thawfest**

 **Dear Diary**

Thawfest has arrived. Yay… Oh, how I hate these days of the year. And my days of this month, too. That's really perfect timing. I'd like to beat Snotlout only _once_ but I won't be able, I fear. I'll try anyway, for my sake and Hiccup's as well. I'd really like to see this moron lose only once, to see the smugness getting wiped away of his stupid face.

 **Dear Diary**

This first day was horrible! Snotlout won every match again and I felt so awkward I wasn't even close to beating him. Well, Fishlegs to blame, too. He threw me off that log and later threw his axe in my way.

At least Hiccup wasn't last every time again. Surely that should cheer him up. It actually did me. And tomorrow there will be the new disciplines. Dragon Rider disciplines! Snotlout has no chance there!

 **Dear Diary**

Hiccup won every match of the Dragon Rider disciplines. He's level with Snotlout now and tomorrow there will be an additional match to determine the winner. However, this day doesn't feel like a good one.

For once I hit my head pretty hard on that log when Stormfly flew a little too high. I feel dizzy and shaky and nauseous ever since and I messed up the Balance Dance as well. Gothi said something about concussion and rest but I didn't really listen.

In addition, Hiccup behaved horribly. He was gloating and laughing about Snotlout and didn't act like Hiccup at all. I did not like him very much today.

And my head hurts…

 **Dear Diary**

Have I ever mentioned before me being stupid? Ah, right… But for once I have a perfectly plausible explanation. My head's a mess! That hit yesterday might have been harder than I thought…

You know, Hiccup lost the match today. But he lost it on purpose. It was kinda sweet of him, to lose so Snotlout could be the winner… Since Hiccup's our Great Dragon Conqueror there's not much left for Snotlout anyway. Really sweet…. Mmm…

Oh, I kissed him by the way! Erm… Hiccup I mean, not Snotlout. Surely not Snotlout… I like kissing Hiccup… I love Hiccup, you know? Mhm… I think he liked it, too. He looked sweet somehow afterward. So sweet…

Maybe I'll try it once more tomorrow!

 **Dear Diary**

Oh, great Odin! Please make the ground open for me and swallow me up. I want to curl up and die…

 **Trust and Family**

 **Dear Diary**

Mildew tried something new the other day. This time he almost succeeded in getting Toothless banished from Berk. And since Hiccup would never leave Toothless… I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving Berk forever. I helped him and we tried everything to solve this and in the end, Hiccup got hurt again. Because I flew him up on that stupid ship's mast. Sure, everyone believes now, that these strange lightning strikes weren't Toothless' fault but it can't go on like this. That Hiccup always has to almost die before someone would believe him… I wish I could simply use Stormfly or my axe on everyone who tries to hurt him.

For example on Mildew.

Or that Whispering Death the other day.

Or on Snotlout.

Or on Dagur the Deranged.

Or on Snotlout…

 **Dear Diary**

Trader Johann found something very important. It was in a chest and unfortunately said chest got lost. It was something from Hiccup's mother and understandably he would move heaven and earth to get it back.

The thing is he wanted to do this on his own. Why can't he just trust us? Or me, at least. I thought we were at least friends, as much as I dislike that term… In the end, we found his chest together. I hope I convinced him to confide in me the next time he does something stupid.

 **Dear Diary**

Bork Week is coming and I can see Hiccup's mood darken every day. The chief asked him to organize a flight show with every dragon species showing their respective stunts. And while every one of us is trying to train a bunch of wilder dragons Hiccup has nothing to do. It reminds him of Toothless being all alone and Hiccup is hurt on his friend's behalf.

I wish he would listen to me. Or look at Toothless for that matter. That dragon is anything but sad or lonely.

 **Dear Diary**

He actually did ask us to come this time. I can't believe it! He found hints for another island full of Night Furys and had to look for further clues in a cave. And he asked us to help looking for it. So maybe I don't have to worry so much about him in the future. That would be a nice change!

Okay, I couldn't do anything when there was this cave-in while he was still inside said cave. But at least I was there. I don't know if it makes any sense… I simply feel better when he lets me face danger with him instead of making me rush after him when he runs off on his own again.

So, tomorrow in the morning we'll all fly to the Island of Night. I'm so excited!

* * *

 _I sit on Stormfly's back and I'm waiting. Ever since I woke this morning I have a bad feeling. Something's wrong and as time marches on without Hiccup to show up I get a hunch of what it might be._

 _'_ _He wouldn't, would he?' I ask, more to myself, and fly over to the Haddock house. When I enter the house I find Stoick sitting in the main room._

 _'_ _I'm sorry to bother you, sir.' I say, anxiously looking around for Hiccup._

 _'_ _Oh, it's no problem, Astrid.' Stoick replies. 'Just doing my morning woodwork. It's quite relaxing.'_

 _'_ _Ahm, sir, have you seen Hiccup?' I ask hopefully. Stoick really seems quite relaxed, the carving in his big hand. But then, he wouldn't know if Hiccup did something stupid again. Hiccup's quite skilled in hiding thing from his father…_

 _'_ _When I woke up he was already gone.' Stoick is more alert now. 'Should I tell him you're looking for him?' Hiccup won't come back for his father to tell him that. This bad feeling is getting stronger. Something happened, I'm sure of it!_

 _'_ _How about I just leave him a note? In his room.' I suggest. This way I might find some clues as to where he went._

 _'_ _Ah, well, be my guest' Stoick gets back to his woodwork. I wish I could be as credulous as he is._

When I enter Hiccup's room a lump rises in my throat. His bed is made and the candle by his desk burned down to a stump. He would have replaced it immediately unless he was in a hurry. I get a feeling he didn't sleep at all last night. What was he working on? I take a closer look at all the papers on his desk. So many notes and sketches… Fishlegs would recognize immediately which ones are of any interest now. I am not so good with all this paper stuff but I have to _find something! I shuffle through the sheets, hopelessly. Part of my brain scolds me making such a mess but I ignore it._ If _Hiccup should return I can apologize then._

 _There! I find his notebook, hidden under the sheets but still opened. The pages show the map to the Island of Night. Thanks to Odin, he didn't just rip it out! When I take a closer look at it I notice some words, scrawled at the paper's edge._

 _'_ _There is a reason that there are only Night Furys on that island. These dragons are extremely aggressive towards any other dragon species._

 _'_ _Dammit!' I curse. Knowing Hiccup he would never risk the safety of others willingly. His own however never seems to concern him. I have to fly after him, as soon as possible. I might need Fishlegs' help though to decipher the clues and hint on the map. He knows what Hiccup would have meant._

 _I curse inwardly. I don't have time to try and get Fishlegs alone. They're all waiting in the arena anyway, ready to get started. I grab the notebook and leave the house waving a hurried Good Bye to Stoick._

 _Fishlegs is already waiting outside. I consider again leaving the others behind but dismiss the thought immediately. It wouldn't be fair._

 _'_ _Hiccup must have copied the map from his notebook.' I call toward Fishlegs. 'Fortunately…' I smile and hold up the book._

 **Dear Diary**

This day was wonderful! These past days were a mess and I'd rather forget them but today was perfect. We decided at short notice to change our Bork Week Flight Show a little and it made such a difference!

As you well know Bork Week is about family. However family is not only blood but also our brothers and sisters at heart; those we care about. Our friends and comrades. When I look at Hiccup today I see his dark mood gone, replaced by joy and happiness. We all together are kind of a family, riders and dragons, all alike. We have lived through a lot during these past months and it made us stronger.

Together we will defend our own!

* * *

 **End note: I am sorry for the rather poor end of this chapter. The last Episodes of 'Riders of Berk' – 'We are family' – don't give me much 'Hiccstrid' to work with. I hope you liked it anyway and thanks a lot for reading. Chapter 3 will come as soon as possible**.


	3. Defenders of Berk (and DOTDR)

I have to apologize, for this chapter is a little boring… Fortunately it is also rather short, since there is practically no Hiccstrid _at all_ in DoB… I gathered a few scraps for a little summary and will return with the first RTTE-Chapter asap…

* * *

 **Defence**

Dear Diary

Life on Berk is quite busy these days. Just as I predicted we saw way too much of Alvin and his Outcast in the past. We strengthen our defences and Gobber has got his hands full of making more weapons. Every Viking on Berk is on edge; laughter rarely to be heard. I can feel it in myself, too. I just have see Snotlout from afar and want to rip his head off not to mention the twins.

Hiccup is also busy helping wherever he can, just like the rest of us. His first-hand experiences of the Outcast's dungeon make him do strange things, though. He lets us practice to withstand interrogation, can you believe that? It sounded weird to me but I do see the reason behind this. And it frightens me. Hiccup knows as well as I do that none of us would willingly reveal anything to the Outcast. What happened in that dungeon must have been devastating for him.

I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn't say much. Just that seeing Toothless like that would have made him do almost everything. A shiver runs down my spine whenever I remember the hollow and haunted look in his eyes. Whatever he lived trough in those days I surely hope it won't happen again, to any of us.

We have to fend Alvin off. We just have to!

Dear Diary

This is getting worse every day! Stoick grounded our dragons. We're not allowed to fly _at all_! And Hiccup didn't do anything! Who is the head of the dragon academy, he or his father?

Okay, that was unfair… I know we all have to follow our chief's commands. It's just so… so wrong! The dragons are our best defence and weapons as well. I think Hiccup knows that, too. I could see he's not happy with this ban either when we walked home from the arena earlier today.

Ah well, we have to wait until Stoick realizes this too, I guess. I'll tell you immediately. For now I have to feed Stormfly and calm her a bit.

Dear Diary

Ha! I should have seen this coming. I mean, Hiccup _does_ have quite a history of going behind his father's back. Of course he wouldn't abide by his father's ban.

But he should know by now that there is no sense in trying to do things like that on his own. I know he does it so the rest of us won't be in trouble, but really… Fortunately I was able to talk him into pulling this through as a team.

We spend the whole night together planning how to pull this up. Hiccup came up with the name. Dragon Flight Club. I'm not so sure about this dramatic flair but on the other hand… The others will probably like the plan simply because of it.

It's mainly our normal dragon training. We're just doing it during night time so no one will notice. Okay, and it is going to be much more aggressive and directed. We know what kinds of dragon Alvin has in his dungeons. Now we have to learn how to defend against them. And it needs to stay secret especially from Stoick.

I'll catch some sleep now. Tomorrow… or rather in a few hours… we'll tell the others.

Dear Diary

Well, this turned out better than I thought it would… Of course we got caught flying but then Snotlout also noticed Alvin's ships and we were able to fend them off. In the end Stoick lifted the ban on flying. At least that's off our list of problems.

 **Stormy Thoughts**

Dear Diary

I'd say I'm sorry it took me so long to write to you but honestly nothing important happened. Right now a storm is blowing outside and I have nothing to do. So I thought I fill you in on past events.

So, where to start? Ahm… Fishlegs, or rather Meatlug, found a new metal! Or a new mix of metals… However Gobber was really excited and I have to admit this Gronckle Iron really is awesome! Light and strong, it is perfect for weapons of all kind. Sadly Fishlegs doesn't remember what Meatlug ate so we only got so much of it. It was enough for Hiccup's new shield however which was probably the best use for it.

This shield really is amazing. It can transform somehow into a crossbow, shots bolas and also has a tiny build-in catapult. I actually don't understand how this all works… But it _is_ impressive and perfect for Hiccup. He's still no warrior but with this shield he actually has a chance in a fight.

It just proved its usefulness against Dagur. Yes, we met him again… And he found out about our dragons… And he's our enemy now, too… As if we hadn't enough problems already.

So, that's what happened the last weeks. We're still training varied skills, whatever might be useful. We're out on differing missions every day. Normal life.

And no, there hasn't been any development in my relationship with Hiccup. We're still good friends and I'm still not happy about it. I probably should move on. But how? Things have changed so much in these one and a half year. Even if I wanted to I cannot leave Berk anymore. No other tribe would welcome me with Stormfly coming along and I won't leave her! I have to stay here. I don't want to leave anyway.

No, I'm stuck in this mess… Maybe I could forget my feelings for Hiccup… But not as long as I have to deal with him every day! There are times I think I might be over him and then he does something awesome or brilliant or even just says something kind and all these feelings boil up again. However I'd like to think I'm quite good at keeping them hidden inside by now, especially during these times, where we are on some duty almost all the time.

And then there are times… When the two of us are on three-days-scouting mission together, I can pretend there's more. When no one else is around I feel much lighter, much less on guard, much less defensive. With Hiccup I can be more myself which seems to be much less warrior than I would like to be. It feels right however! And he opens up, too. With only the two of us around we can joke and laugh and talk. It feels good. But when night comes and we sleep near the camp fire it's still not enough.

In addition these scouting missions or any missions we do together become rare lately. Stoick's logic is undeniable but I really don't like it nonetheless. The truth is when Hiccup and I go on missions together we have twice as much work to do for Fishlegs is in no way capable to give commands to Snotlout or the twins and they wouldn't do anything without being ordered to. This means we have to split up more often than not.

I'll have to try to steel myself against these feelings or else they'll eat me up from inside. I can already feel them nagging and tearing at me.

 **The Glowing, the Roaring and the Flashing**

Dear Diary

It is time! Aurvandil's Fire will come in a few days and so will the Flightmare. I've trained for this all my life! Now is my chance to avenge Uncle Finn and restore honor to House Hofferson.

I already know everyone is going to make a stab at talking me out of hunting the Flightmare. Let them try! I won't back down. I know, times have changed and we don't kill dragons anymore but this is different! This is the _Flightmare_! It's not like he's defending himself like all the other dragons did with the Red Death and all. No, he attacks our village every ten years without a reason. What other defense is there but to kill him? Hiccup may not like it, but really…

He's not the one who had to grow up with a dishonored family name. He doesn't understand what that did to me. I simply have to set this aright!

Dear Diary

He did it again… I was so focused on my task. I was ready to make him hate me. I was even ready to hate him for trying to prevent me. I laid out all these reasons to myself why we're just too different, why this would never work out.

Then Hiccup stumbled into my plan, made a mess out of it and every problem dissolved like mist in the sun.

Instead of holding me back he helped me looking for the Flightmare.

He saved my life when I wasn't able to defeat the dragon.

He found a way to lure the beast away so it'll probably never bother Berk again.

He restored my Uncles name and reclaimed honor for House Hofferson.

I don't know how I could ever make this up to him! He probably doesn't even know what it means to me. I'm just so glad I didn't tell him any of my former thoughts. I was so ignorant. Hiccup might not have had the burden of a dishonored family name but then he himself was seen as a disgrace for House Haddock for a long time.

Ah, this is just what I meant. How could I not love him for what he did today? I have to do something. I guess I probably could simply go over and declare my love to him… But I cannot! Even thinking about it now… No, I don't think I could handle a rejection right now… If there were any signs… I'll try to lure a reaction out of him somehow! Maybe that'll tell me what to do…

Dear Diary

We had another encounter with the Screaming Death today. I haven't told you about that one before because I hoped we had chased him away for good. But Hiccup was right, again.

The day had started quite good. Hiccup and I were on a mission together and we really had a lot of fun. Even when we checked on the twins and caught them red-handed… or rather purple-faced…it couldn't darken our mood. I even joked about kissing Snotlout of all people which honestly is a disgusting thought.

In the end the Screaming Death got chased away by the wild dragons of Dragon Island but I fear Hiccup is right. This wasn't the last we saw of that dragon.

Ah, and I still don't know what to do! We had so much fun and… and later he mocked me about my Snotlout-comment… This is all so confusing…

Dear Diary

This was a very long day… We found a Skrill frozen solid inside a floating iceberg and our idiots I, II and III managed to free him. The Skrill is the symbol of the Berserker tribe so Dagur wants it pretty badly. We tried to keep the dragon and Dagur apart but somehow everything went wrong. The Skrill is still missing and so are Ruffnut and Tuffnut.

We searched all day for them but without success. Now it's dark outside and Stormfly and I have no chance in finding them. Hiccup sent us home to sleep and gather strength for tomorrow. He was right to do so I suppose… Stormfly fell asleep as soon as we reached her stable and I'm weary, too. But I can't sleep. Not while the twins are still missing and surely not while Hiccup is still out there searching. I wanted to accompany him. To fly with him on Toothless so I could help in case he encountered any Berserkers. But Toothless is tired, too. Carrying me in addition wouldn't help.

No, there's nothing I can do right now… I'll try to catch some sleep and maybe they'll all be back and save in the morning.

Dear Diary

Hiccup hasn't come back. It's already noon and he hasn't come back! Even Toothless can't fly all night, right? So he must have landed somewhere to rest, right? Surely he'll be back any minute now. He has to be!

Stoick won't let us fly and search for him. He said, he needs us on Berk as defense should Alvin or Dagur chose this confusion to attack. And he's right... Of course he is… where should we begin to look for them anyways…?

But sitting here waiting is driving me crazy. My Mom wanted me to help her with some work but I can't concentrate. I'll take Stormfly and keep watch at the cliff.

Dear Diary

He's back! Thank Odin, he back. And the Twins are, too. Apparently I worried for nothing. I hate being left behind!

 **Hints and Clues**

Dear Diary

I tried to figure out how to proceed with Hiccup… But I'm no smarter than before. I keep thinking that if he cared for me he wouldn't leave me behind all the time or send me off with Snotlout of all people. That's really frustrating!

Just the other day he grouped us together for a Screaming-Death-Patrol _again_. It was horrible. Snotlout's flirting grew unbearable. I actually felt sick because of it. And then Hiccup and the others weren't even at the appointed meeting place. Admittedly they had a bigger problem than an overconfident Snotlout but only slightly. In the end I kept Snotlout from flirting by… flirting back. Highly exaggerated and disgusting to me but it worked. Later Hiccup actually apologized for sticking me with Snotlout. That put me in a good mood and when I then demonstrated my success he said I'd gross him out. What in Odin's name am I to make of this? I'm grossing him out? Or Flirting with Snotlout grosses him out? Or me flirting grosses him out? I'm so confused…

Dear Diary

And he did it again. He left me behind! I really hate when he's doing this! Yes it's already dark and Stormfly and I wouldn't be much help in finding Trader Johann. But he could have taken me with him as back-up at least. He didn't need to leave me with the others. And he certainly didn't need to lock us up! It took me hours to escape these madmen.

He's still out there searching. I hope he gets frostbitten while I'm in my cozy warm bed.

Dammit!

Dear Diary

This is getting ridiculous. I feel like there's a hurricane inside my heart making a mess of _everything_ … One day I hate him; the next day I'm sick with worry. One day he treats me like rotten vegetables, and seems to care for me on the next.

Just like this incident with the Speed Stingers. You probably noticed how angry I was that night but when the Speed Stingers attacked and Hiccup didn't show up the next morning I was worried sick. I was doubly relieved to see him back and safe when he later showed up in the cove. I even hugged him and he seemed to be glad to see me as well. But then he might have been just happy to see anyone still moving.

Argh, this is driving me crazy!

And it was the same with the Eel-Pox Epidemic. He simply flew off again on his own and I was angry and worried sick and relieved and happy… Okay, maybe I was sick by Eel-Pox. And I was not just relieved and happy… Actually I don't remember everything that happened… The fever got to me eventually and I wasn't thinking straight… I… keep remembering hugging Hiccup… and trying to dance with him… Oh, please let this have been a dream only!

But he has been much kinder to me since that day… He even wanted to investigate with me specifically when all the metal was stolen by the Smothering Smokebreath… I really don't know what to make of it all…

Dear Diary

Today Hiccup suspended Snotlout from the academy… I'm not exactly sure what nudged him to do so. Or rather which part of what happened did so. Snotlout disobeyed orders again and… well actually he almost got me killed by doing so. Thanks to Hiccup nothing serious happened, but… You know me. I was furious and really wanted to beat Snotlout up but Hiccup wouldn't let me. Instead he grounded Snotlout and Hookfang but they flew off anyway. No surprise there…

As I said I was really angry. But now I'm more worried for Hiccup. He's simply not the type for long grudges. I fear he'll agonize over this and I wouldn't want that. Not, if he suspended Snotlout because of me. I already told him he didn't have to do this for me. From what he replied it was apparently more because of trustworthiness and reliability but I still wonder… It was not the first time Snotlout disobeyed a direct order and probably not the last time either. This time though… I've never seen Hiccup so furious before.

Later he acknowledged that the suspension was only temporary until he talked to Snotlout. Now, there's going to be some energy wasted … I can't believe I'm saying this… or rather write this… but I agree with the Twins. There has to be a punishment for Snotlout's behavior especially after he simply flew off after Hiccup grounded him. Hiccup _is_ the leader of our gang of Dragon Riders. Snotlout has to remember that. Only kicking him out of the academy won't do much good there… Neither will a simple talk.

Dear Diary

This is a mess! Alvin returned and so did the Screaming Death. Dagur captured Stoick and until we can free him Hiccup is chief of the tribe. I do my best to support him but there's not much I _can_ do. Nor can Hiccup for that matter.

Right now we simply have to wait for Dagur to make his move. We already know he wants Toothless and that he'll try to lure Hiccup into a trap. We just have to outthink him. That shouldn't be too hard… But it's still waiting… and waiting… and waiting…

Dear Diary

Sometimes I wonder how Hiccup does it. Every problem is solved. Dagur is imprisoned on Outcast Island. Alvin is our ally now and promised to aid Stoick. The Screaming Death found his mommy which was apparently the reason why he destroyed all these islands, can you believe it?

Well, there is _one_ problem left to solve… But I probably have to do that one myself…

 **Team Hiccstrid**

Dear Diary

This is going to be my last entry for there's only one page left. I already asked Trader Johann to look for another empty book. Hopefully he'll find one soon.

Life on Berk is peaceful now that Dagur is imprisoned and Alvin no longer our enemy. The Screaming Death seems to be appeased, too. After one and a half year of chaos and constant changes we now have time to adjust to this new life with the dragons. They really became part of our daily life but we still have to learn a lot. The latest invention however is a new kind of entertainment.

It originated from an emergency where the sheep of Suddenly-Not-So-Silent Sven ran off and we helped to recaptured them. The Twins consequentially developed a game and called it Dragon Raceing. Tomorrow will be the first official attempt and I'm a little excited.

We agreed to have teams. Snotlout and the Twins formed one and they call themselves _Team Snotnuts_. That name is hilarious! It suites them, really! Fishlegs refused to join the game which leaves Hiccup and me for the other team. The Twins thought of a team name for us, too. They're probably too cowardly to say it aloud but I overheard them talking.

They call us _Team Hiccstrid_. Haha, that sounds really… Okay, honestly it doesn't sound so bad… Actually, I like it… Sort of…

Okay, tomorrow will be the great day. Team Hiccstrid will crush them!

* * *

Thanks for reading! :) pls review


	4. Race to the Edge 1 (Part I)

**Race to the Edge 1 (Part I** )

 **A/N: Finally! We've reached RTTE. From now on things will get way more exciting, I promise ;)**

 **I decided to split this Chapter into two. It's getting longer and longer… From this chapter on the Diary-parts won't be so dominant anymore. Many scenes will be live from Astrid's POV.**

* * *

 **Agonizing years**

 **Dear Diary**

Three years! It took Trader Johann _three entire years_ to find another book for me. That really says a lot about us Vikings… Sword, axes or maces? No Problem! Food? Always ready! Books?...Erm, what?

I really missed writing to you… Of course, I could have used loose sheets of paper and actually I tried it a few times. But it simply wasn't the same. I'm really glad I have you here now.

These three years… You can ask everyone these three years have been the most peaceful ones Berk has ever seen. Everyone is lighthearted and happy. There are more buildings now, too, bigger and more luxurious ones. Since we don't have to fight anymore at all many younger couples have settled down and there are three times more children on Berk then usual. Even distant 'cousins' no one remembers came to Berk to settle here. It truly is peaceful… I'm probably the only one who loathes these years…

Since there is peace there are also expectations. My parents both hinted more than once at me becoming of marriageable age and every now and then I catch a comment or remark from others as well. From the looks they share they all seem to assume Hiccup and I will announce our betrothal any moment. If only…

I can see where these ideas come from though. Snotlout works as 'Weapons Tester' these days. Gobber came up with the idea. It is fun to watch him get thrown around by a catapult. Fishlegs became kind of a teacher for the history of dragons. He seems quite settled in this calling. The Twins never did what they were told so it's no surprise they don't participate in the old Dragon Academy Duties any longer.

That leaves Hiccup and me to be the only active Dragon Riders left. Oh, the others still have their dragons. They just don't use them any longer in the same way. Hiccup and I are the only ones to spend our days on our dragon's backs. We patrol the sea near Berk, keep watch and occasionally take longer attempts to find new islands or dragons. You see, we spend a lot of time together and I understand how many of the others assume we're a couple. But the hard truth is, we're not.

You may wonder why that is… and I can't give you an answer to that. I still wish it would be like that with us. Not much has changed however since the events with Alvin, Dagur, and the Screaming Death. All Hiccup seems to be interested in are the dragons, to care for them, to train them, to find new ones and to learn as much about them as possible. I often meet him with Fishlegs in the Great Hall for breakfast. They would ask me if I couldn't sleep either. Hah!

I often ask myself whether I should stop this Dragon Rider Thingy as well. Why am I keeping it up? The answer is not as easy as the Question. You might think I'm doing it to be with Hiccup and that is true in a way. We are best friends after all. We practically know each other's thoughts which really comes in handy when we fend off the occasional pirates. There is no one else to whom I can talk as easily and with whom I can laugh as lightly as Hiccup. I would really miss his friendship. But there's still this tiny spark of hope, that maybe… someday… and it's killing me. Hope dies last they say and it's true. It will rather kill me before it would release me…

I could try to outrun it. Stop being a Dragon Rider. Get away from Hiccup. But I love being a Dragon Rider. Hiccup aside I wouldn't want to spend my days other then flying on Stormfly's back through the sky. There is nothing on Berk or any other island that could keep me grounded for any length of time. There is no one for me either. I don't want to even imagine this dull life, performing some dull duty waiting for my feelings to recover and start anew. If only there was any other task suited for me. I would take it gladly.

No, that's a lie. I wouldn't be glad. But I would take it nonetheless. My heart feels raw and sore. It can't take much more kindness and smiles from Hiccup. It burns… It hurts so much!

For more than four years now I'm torturing myself with my feelings for Hiccup. I want it to end…

 **Dragon Eye of the Beholder**

 **Dear Diary**

There it is! I can't believe it and… and actually I'm afraid of this, too, but…

Stoick offered me a position in the Berk Guard! He said since Hiccup is more and more out and about searching for new dragons he wants one Dragon Rider to be here at all times. He seems not to believe this peaceful time will continue endlessly. And he of all people knows his son and seems to see more of my pain than anyone else. This is my chance!

I keep being a Dragon Rider but will be separated from Hiccup who will be free to venture on his searches as he pleases. That's…great! He'll love this. He always wanted to fly further, behind the borders of our known world.

I would have liked to be with him on his journeys but I'm more realistic than he is. I'm not so sure there _is_ more out there. So, now I'll stay on Berk and protect our families. I just hope, he'll be alright out there on his own… Toothless will protect him of course, but… Ah, he'll have to be enough!

I'll miss Hiccup. There's no one else on Berk for me to talk to. Fishlegs became a real friend during the past years but he's too geeky for any long-term conversations. There's certainly a lonely time ahead of me but hopefully, it'll be a less painful one. I can deal with loneliness.

Tomorrow I'll catch Hiccup and tell him the news.

 **Dear Diary**

I feel awful… I saw the disappointment in Hiccup's eyes. He tried to hide it but he's really no good at acting… It was heart-wrenching. He seemed to realize that there is no one but himself who believes there is anything left to be found. I should have tried to cheer him up, to encourage him. He's free to search as far away as he wants now.

Instead, I told him he should give some thought to what's next for him and Toothless. I told him, that there might not be any more to find, that we're probably done, that our search is over. Why oh why did I do that? Do I want him to be as miserable as I am? Do I want him to stay on Berk and forget his dreams? No, I really don't want that! It is part of what I love about him most! I'm doing this so he can follow his dreams, for Odin's sake!

Oh, I know what made me say these things… This stupid, cursed spark of hope… _It_ wants him stay on Berk. _It_ wants him to settle down and raise a family, with me! I hate this spark of hope! I know Hiccup. It would destroy him to do as _it_ wants. I hate _it_. And I wish this would come true…

* * *

 _This can't be happening. I had one day in the Berk Guard and Hiccup already called us in for an emergency Dragon Rider meeting. We're all gathered in the old arena now in front of an over-sized map._

 _'All we got from Johann before he passed out was this: Dagur escaped from Outcast Island by commandeering his ship.' Hiccup says. I don't want to keep listening. I finally broke free of my personal vicious circle of hope and pain and now Dagur returns and all Dragon Riders are needed? This. Can't. Be. Happening._

 _Of course, we have to recapture Dagur. This is, after all, a matter of safety not just for Hiccup but for the entire island of Berk as well. But does it need to happen now of all times? I finally made my decision. It was not an easy one to make but I did it. Is it too much to ask for a little more time to adjust? Apparently, it is…_

 _'…There is one ship you must avoid at all cost' Johann says in a grave voice. 'It's called… The Reaper! Riddled with booby traps from stem to stern. Barely made it out…' This can't be happening… This… He's not thinking he can fool any of us with this fairy tale, is he?_

 _'Okay, Toothless, let's go.' Hiccup replays excited. 'Unless, of course, any of you can make time out of your busy schedules to capture a dangerous maniac?'_

 _This can't be happening…_

 **Dear Diary**

I just want to say good bye to you in case we won't come back from this stupid mission to this Ship Graveyard Johann told us about. In case I won't return…

Mom, Dad, when you find this I want you to know that I always loved you. And… please take care of Stormfly should she make it back…

 **Dear Diary**

Surprise, surprise, we made it all back alive. Okay, maybe I was a little exaggerating the last time. But this mission truly was the most dangerous we had for years. I actually _did_ almost die. Twice…

You know, this Ship Graveyard is inhabited by gigantic eels. They scared away our dragons and when they attacked the ship we gathered upon I fell into the ocean.

It was strange… While I fell all I could think about was Hiccup. The sadness in his eyes when I told him I'd join the Guard and all the things I should have told him instead. It must have been only one or two seconds but to me it felt like an eternity. I remembered how I'd thought Hiccup would die after the battle against the Red Death, how I regretted not telling him about my feeling while I could. These regrets resurfaced in that moment for I thought these eels would kill me. I would have tried to fight them but let's be honest I would not have had a realistic chance. I thought I gave away my chances for good this time. In the end Hiccup and Toothless saved me by diving into the water themselves.

When I think about that now it is incredible Toothless agreed to do so. He's just as afraid of eels as our other dragons and yet he did not flee and even faced them on their territory. Hands down he really is much smarter than most other dragons and his loyalty for Hiccup goes deeper, too. But still… Did Hiccup order Toothless to dive or did Toothless do it on his own? Either way, they did it for me… I need to think about that fact. Later…

I still have to tell you what else happened. Dagur showed up, as expected. Without our dragons we had no chance and he put us in a cage. He tried to sink the ship so Hiccup would focus on saving us instead of following him. In the end it didn't work out for Dagur but for that moment I thought we would all drown.

Facing death twice on one day… It makes me reconsider my decision. I don't want to regret anything and I fear I'll always regret not telling Hiccup. If I turn my back on him now I'll always wonder what might have been. So I'll have to tell him.

Ah, this is the spark of hope again. It found new food in today's events and is burning a hole in my heart like a bright flame. The fact that Hiccup and Toothless saved me… One way or the other, it has to mean he cares for me somehow, right? Either Hiccup exposed his best friend to his greatest fear or Toothless did it himself, surely for Hiccup's sake. Because of me…

Or they're simply very responsible and would do the same for any of their friends. I hate it! This word! And this cursed spark of hope! I can't think straight anymore.

There was one other thing however that no logic can lessen and it feeds my hope even more. When Hiccup found us all captured by Dagur he called out for me. Only for me…

 **Dear Diary**

I've made my decision! I will confess my love to him. Then at least I'll finally know whether he has any feelings for me, whether there might be a future for _us_. And if not then hopefully this spark will finally die out.

I just have to find the right moment to tell him…

I tried it today. I tried to gather my courage and to get him alone, to get him to _listen_. But he's so occupied with this Dragon Eye as he calls it. I don't think he would have noticed a pink dragon dancing around him, let alone me…

I gave up eventually. This will wear off soon and when everyday life got us back I'll get my chance. Huh... saying it like this is kind of depressing because I have to admit... Having the whole gang together again on a mission to fight Dagur… it was exciting!

 **Dear Diary**

Have you ever heard of a dragon called Snow Wrath? Me neither, until two days ago… Now I know far more about that beast then I ever wanted to know. I only hope I'll never have to deal with one of those again!

Gothi of all people gave Hiccup the final clue. Apparently, the tooth of this dragon is supposed to be some kind of key for the Dragon Eye. So we raced towards this island only to almost freeze to death. I mean yes we're used to cold weather but glaciers like that… Nope, I defiantly prefer a slightly warmer climate.

So we flew to that island and got almost killed _again_ while capturing one of these teeth only to find out the Dragon Eye does… nothing.

Okay, to be fair, is was exciting. Despite the cold and all we _did_ find a new dragon that's not even mentioned in the Book of Dragons. And surely this Dragon Eye keeps _something_ from us. I am curious as to what these coming days may reveal. And-

 **Imperfect Harmony**

 _Someone just knocked at our door. And once again, more demanding this time. Did something happen? I close my diary and hastily cram it in its hiding place behind my weapon shelf before I hurry down the stairs. Halfway down I collide with someone and we both tumble towards the ground. I'm the first on my feet again and automatically reach out for the other one when I realize its Hiccup. He grabs my hand I yank him to his food. This is a well-practiced move for us and I have no time to think at all before he starts to talk._

 _'Astrid, you're still awake. That's perfect! Come on, you have to see this!' He grabs my hand and pulls me past my startled and drowsy parents out of the door. It is dark outside, long past nightfall. The village is quiet since most are probably fast asleep._

 _'Where are we going, Hiccup?' I ask when he keeps pulling me up the hillside. I stumble slightly and barely manage to keep up with him._

 _'I have to show you something. This is – Oh, you have to see it for yourself. It's amazing!' Hiccup replies excitedly. He leads me right into the Haddock house. I can hear Stoick snoring in the other room as Hiccup pulls me up the steps and into his sleeping chamber._

 _Suddenly I feel self-conscious. What exactly does he want to show me here, in his_ sleeping chamber _of all places_ _? We're alone, even Toothless is gone. The Room is almost dark, only a small light burns on his bedside table. It's empty, too, except for his desk and his bed… I feel myself blush and am grateful for the darkness. 'Hiccup… What do you want to show me?' I ask nervously. Did he notice something after all? The snoring from downstairs aside, this is kind of romantic. Just he and I, the almost dark room with the violet light…_

 _Violet light? I take a closer look at the candle on his bedside table. Only it is not a candle. It is the Dragon Eye and it is glowing! I pick it up and examine it closely. The glow is fading but it is there. A pale violet shimmer coming from one of its ends. I look bewildered at Hiccup but he just says 'See?' with a wide grin on his face._

 _Before I can ask any question I hear angry voices from above that turn into scared screams. I dodge the falling bodies but just barely. Snotlout, Tuff, and Ruff lay in a heap trying to untangle themselves. I hear a snickering sound from above and surely spot Toothless looking inside through the skylight._

 _Suddenly I feel movement against my back. Hiccup stands just behind me, one hand on my shoulder while his other arm reaches around me. 'May I?' he asks and I can feel his breath tickling my neck. My heart misses a beat and I close my eyes while he takes the Dragon Eye out of my shaky hands. What is this? My heart is racing as if it tries to make up for the missed beat and I'm shaking all over._

 _There's another scream and Fishlegs lands with a_ THUMP _on the ground. He's probably complaining but I'm not listening. I try to steady myself by leaning against the wall, arms crossed to hide them shaking. My eyes are on Hiccup while he positions the Dragon Eye on a stool and places Toothless in front of it._

 _'Okay, bud. Go ahead!' he commands and a feint glow shines out of Toothless' mouth. The light goes through the Dragon Eye and projects pictures on the opposite wall._

 _'Woah!' is all I manage to say._

 **Dear Diary**

This is amazing! There are maps inside the Dragon Eye, can you believe it? They show ways to unknown islands beyond the boundaries of the archipelago. There's no way anyone of us would stay on Berk now with this proof in hand. Hiccup still has to talk to his father and the council but I already know that they won't be able to keep us on Berk. My travel pack is ready and we'll start any minute know. I won't bring you… I don't think I'll have a quiet minute to write and chances are too high for Snotlout or the Twins to discover you. So, I won't be able to write to you for a long time.

This changes everything! It's so exciting! New islands, new dragons, so much for us to discover! After these three boring years, a whole lot of adventures lay before us.

PS: I promise I'll stick to my former plan. I will tell Hiccup how I feel about him. But I still need the right moment. Right now there's so much to deal with... I'm used to keeping these feelings inside so I can do it a little longer.

There was this odd sensation of last night however… Although it did not happen often this was not the first time Hiccup came that close to me. But never before has my body reacted to his so strongly. Even now I remember how strange it was. Sweet and painful at the same time…

Ah, Hiccup's leaving the great hall. I have to go now. Wish me luck!

* * *

 _This is amazing! We really made it! We found this new island and it's beautiful! Cliffs and woods, a white beach and this lagoon… I sit on a rock at the water's edge, legs dangling, and still try to take it all in. I haven't felt this free in a long time. We're scattered in and around the water, everyone giddy and hyped up, dragons and riders alike. I lean back trying to take in as much sunlight as possible and inhale deeply. The air smells like brine and wind and sunshine, just like home, and still it's different. It smells like freedom._

 _A shadow falls on my face and I open my eyes. At first, I can't identify what's blocking the sun but then I recognize Hiccup leaning over me._

 _'You like it here?' he asks casually with his always ready smile. I sit up and blink a few times while he seats himself beside me._

 _'Yeah!' I say truthfully 'You know I never thought…' I shake my head. 'I'm glad we found this place after all.' I smile at him. Our old comradeship resurfaces just as easily as it always was. And jet…_

 _'Yeah, I'm glad, too.' He replies looking around. I watch him do so and realize how much he's changed. Hiccup always was formally our leader but now he really is. We all followed him into the unknown. He's confident and responsible and determined, just like a chief should be. I know he does not think so himself but I truly believe he'll be one of the greatest._

 _I smile to myself. Seeing him like this now, happy and sanguine on this newfound island … Only a few days ago I accepted the fact that I wouldn't be around to witness this. So much has changed in such a short time. Now we're here together and a whole lot of new possibilities arise. I only have to choose…_

 _'Is there something on my nose or why are you starring at me like that?' I blink. Hiccup is looking at me curiously. I hastily turn away already feeling the blush rising._

 _'No, I… I was just... thinking…' I reply, sternly not looking at him. 'About what to do next, you know?' It's not a lie…_

 _'Well, we have to rest. I guess we don't have to vote on where we're making camp.' He replies._

* * *

 _In the end we technically didn't make camp in the lagoon but on the beach instead. We're all tired from the long flight. I'm glad we didn't have to put much work into the camp. Snotlout's Monstrous Nightmare gel really is useful though I'll never tell him that. We ate our provisions and now it's finally time to sleep. I get ready to curl up beside Stormfly when I spot Hiccup sitting near the waterline. I hesitate. Maybe this is the right time for me to talk to him. The others are all fast asleep; it's as if we were alone. I gather my courage and walk over._

 _Hiccup turns when he hears me approach and smiles. 'Hey. Can't sleep either?' He asks when I sit down next to him. I shake my head, not really answering his question. 'There's so much on my mind right now.' I say truthfully. 'But you were right, Hiccup. There's so much more out here and it's beautiful.' It really is. There are some misty clouds in the sky but the moon is shining brightly right through them making them glow, too. It's getting cool but there's almost no wind at all. Little waves hit the beach in front of us, making a soothing noise._

 _'And this is only the beginning, Astrid.' Hiccup replies. 'Who knows what we'll find out here?' Only the beginning… The Beginning of a new life for all of us. New chances and maybe we'll find a new future out here._

 _'I totally agree.' I say. I'm searching for the right words to say. Why must this be so hard?_

 _'See? There are probably hundreds of other islands out here and tons of new dragons, too. Tomorrow we can look for the source of this strange singing noise earlier. What do you think could it have been?' Hiccup keeps talking enthusiastically. I slump down inwardly. There's no use in trying to talk about anything but new discoveries right now._

 _'Who knows?' I reply. 'Our dragons liked it so it might be a singing fish?' I attempt to joke but fail miserably. Even so, Hiccup chuckles lightly._

 _I wrap my arms around my knees and stare out into the darkness. This was a stupid idea, I should have known. It's too early for anything but new land and dragons. I shudder slightly, horrified by my own stupidity._

 _'Are you cold?' Hiccup asks and lays an arm around my shoulder. I stiffen in surprise but this is Hiccup after all. Always a good friend. He often used to do things like this on our scouting missions. But then… I might as well use this to my advantage._

 _'Yes, a little' I reply. 'And tired, too. This was an exciting but long day.' I yarn to proof my point and rest my head on his shoulder._

 _'True' He agrees and shuffles slightly to make me more comfortable. We sit like this for a while and although I didn't intend to do so I soon fall asleep._

 _I barely awake when Hiccup beds me carefully on the sand. I feel a light touch on my forehead and drift off into deep dreamless sleep._

 **Big Man on Berk** (and what we've all been waiting for)

 **Dear Diary**

Finally, we're back on Berk! There's so much I want to tell you about. Well, not what you might hope for, though, but still interesting. The others are over at Gothi's right now to get a cure for Fishlegs' allergy so I have a few minutes to fill you in.

So, where to start? Oh right. We almost died! Hah, but obviously we made it all back alive. Sorry, I'm a little hyped up. It's good to be home again! So yeah, almost dying… Right… We called the dragon Death Song for his song lures in other dragons so he can capture and eat them.

We also found an island that's inhabited by a large flock of Night Terrors. These are cunning little dragons not unlike the Terrible Terrors. Luckily they aren't aggressive and share their island with us. It is a beautiful place. You'll like it! It took us the past weeks but we did it! We constructed an outpost, the Dragon's Edge. I have my own hut there no one dares to enter so you'll be save there.

There's one other place on this island I want to tell you about. I discovered it during our first days there and never told one of the others about it. It is a cave right on the cliff side not far from the Edge. It's practically invisible from the outside. One can see only a small ledge, too narrow for most dragons to land upon. It tried it out just to see whether Stormfly could do it and she did. Only then I saw the cave's entrance hidden inside the cliff's wall. The Cave's not big, only an oval of about 20 steps. What's special about this cave though is the walls. I guess Fishlegs would totally geek out if he ever discovers my cave… I have no idea what it is exactly, some kind of metal or mineral probably. It marbles the stone and reflects even the faintest light. Even at night the cave seems to glow inside when there's enough moonlight outside. My Glowing Cave… I hide there when I really want to be alone. Yeah, I have my hut but someone could knock at almost any time.

But that's not what you want to hear about, right? Right… I haven't told him, yet… I'm still waiting for the right moment. We're always busy at the Edge. Building and scouting, caring for our dragons… Ah, who am I kidding… I haven't had the guts to tell him. This new life at the Edge… I love it! It's so exciting! I'm afraid to ruin it. What if I tell him and he rejects me? I don't think I could stay at the Edge if that were to happen. Maybe if the hype wears off a bit. I know I can always return to Berk but I don't want to right now.

 **Dear Diary**

Today I _really_ almost died… of laughter! You should have seen Snotlout totally in love with Fishlegs, or rather _Thor Bonecrusher_. I'm still hardly able to not fall off my chair by laughter. It was ludicrous.

 **Dear Diary**

So we made it back to the Edge. This two-days-flight really gives a lot of time to think… Being on Berk again… it reminded me of the past years. Of all this days and weeks and months I spend waiting and hoping… Of how I agonized myself over Hiccup…

And if I'm honest with myself… nothing has changed! I may be distracted right now but that won't last forever. I don't want to return to this vicious circle! I should tell him and live with the outcome but I just realized I'm a coward.

It should be simple. It is night and everyone's asleep or at their huts at least. I could simply go over to Hiccup. His hut is right next to mine after all. I could knock until he opens. I'm sure he not yet asleep since he's practically not sleeping at all since we found the Dragon Eye… I could tell him right away that I love him. So simple and yet so impossible at the same time. I just can't make myself do it!

I'm sorry but I can't write right now. I'll make a little flight, hopefully, that'll help to clear my mind.

* * *

 _The night is clear and cold. A full moon lightens sea and shore and the wind is getting stronger. I have no goal and let Stormfly pick her path while I try to figure out what to do. I can't keep on living like the past four years... I value Hiccup's friendship I really do, but… Being his friend is simply not enough anymore. I've tried and failed…_

 _My heart aches and I feel tears running down my cheeks. I can't endure this any longer! I have to do something! And since I'm obviously not courageous enough to tell him my love, I'll return to Berk._

 _I already made this decision once when I agreed to join the Berk Guard. This is no different. I'll try to move on however hard it may be. This new life is exciting and great… but the price I'd have to pay is too high._

 _I don't pay attention as to where Stormfly flies and am surprised when she alights. Maybe I subconsciously direct Stormfly toward my Glowing Cave or maybe she flew here on her own. It doesn't matter... She lands on the narrow ledge. I dismount and flee into the Cave. Here I'm alone. Here I'm save. I fall to my knees and sob unrestrained._

 _Why did I fool myself like this? This new environment doesn't change anything! I can't go back to this life of hope and pain. I already feel this burning hole in my chest again. I wrap my arms around me. Leaving is the right thing to do. Why then does it feel so wrong?_

 _Stormfly followed me into the cave. She croaks sympathetically and nudges me with her nose. I reach out and scratch her neck. 'I'll be fine, Stormfly' I say huskily. 'Everything will be fine…' If I tell myself often enough maybe it'll come true. I barely notice Stormfly leaving the Cave, leaving me to my agony. A new wave of tears and shaking overwhelm me._

* * *

 _I have no idea for how long I lay on the stony ground. I'm cold and stiff and numb, inside and out. Looks like I fell asleep after all… But for how long? I slowly get on my feet and rub my eyes. They're still wet. I remember what brought me here and feel again this stabbing pain in my chest._

 _'Hey Stormfly, what is this? Why are you so upset? Where's Astrid?' I hear a voice from the outside. A far too familiar voice. Stormfly led Hiccup to my Cave. I freeze. I can't talk to him right now. Not in my bedraggled state and surely not now!_

 _I look around, searching for a hiding place. But there is none. No further corridor, no bigger rock, nothing. I hear metal clinging on stone as Hiccup enters the Cave and stop, my back towards the entrance. I don't want him so see my tears._

 _'Look at this! What is this stone? That's amazing. Fishlegs will totally geek out when he sees this!' He's close now, just around the corner and… 'Hey, Astrid there you are! What happened? Stormfly acted really strange and almost got me worried. You're alright?' He stops talking, waiting for me to answer. I don't trust my voice right now. I nod and wrap my arms tighter around me. Not convincing enough obviously for Hiccup steps closer and places his hand on my shoulder._

 _I_ can almost _feel my heart cracking due to this casual and kind gesture. It hurts… so much…_

 _'What is it, Astrid?' He asks, more serious now. I bite my lip. Why can't he just leave me alone? 'You can tell me everything. You know that, right?' Go away! Go away. Go... away… 'We're friends!' That's it…_

 _I spin around, furious now. 'But I don't want to be your friend!' I shout. 'I hate it!'_

 _Silence._

 _I see a hurt look crossing Hiccup's face and then nothing. His face is empty of emotions, a well-practiced mask. I've seen it before whenever he didn't want to show his emotions to his opponent. He never used that mask on_ me _before! The cracks in my heart widen. What have I done?_

 _Hiccup steps back once, twice. His eyes narrow. 'Then why did you keep up the act all this time? If you hate it so much…' He turns to leave the Cave and I stare at him bewildered._

 _'No...' I whisper. 'No Hiccup, wait! I didn't mean-' Hiccup turns toward me, a hurricane of emotions in his eyes now._

 _'You didn't mean what? Ever since I lost my leg all of a sudden everyone is friendly to me. They see a cripple and pity me, I know that. But I never needed, never wanted their pity. And I especially don't want yours!' He turns again and walks away. I stare after him, shocked._ Pity for the cripple _? My heart burst into uncountable shards. He can't really believe that! That I put up with him out of pity? I can't let him think that!_

 _I hurry after him. I have to get to him before he flies off! I have to! When I reach the corner I find him leaning against the wall, head bowed. He notices me and keeps on going. 'Hiccup, wait!' I shout. He doesn't wait. 'Hiccup I can't stand being_ just _your friend! It's killing me… because… Because I love you!'_

 _There, I said it… After I ruined everything and hope finally died I'm now able to say it. I close my eyes. I don't want to see whatever reaction might be on Hiccup's face. Or maybe there's none. Maybe he simply mounted Toothless and is already gone. I can hear the rustling of wings as he flies away. Or is it the blood rushing in my ears? I don't know. I don't care…_

 _Suddenly there's movement, something in my face. I stiffen as an electric shock jolts right through my entire body. I try to back away but I can't. Something's holding me, I can't move. I try to calm, to understand what's happening._

 _The electric shock wears off and I feel warmth instead. Warmth coming from whatever's restraining my movability, pressing against my entire body, my lips. Sudden realization dawns on me. It's Hiccup. Hiccup is kissing me!_

 _I can discern his lips on mine now, moving slightly. His arms are around my waist, restraining me, holding me. My hands start to shake and I make them clutch his collar, drawing him closer. This is a dream! Surely it must be. I move my lips with his, taking in as much as possible of this moment. It ends too soon._

 _When our lips part Hiccup keeps me in a tide embrace, his face buried in my hair. 'If this is a dream, please don't wake me.' I hear him whisper. I chuckle slightly. That's just what I thought, too. But I have to know…_

 _'Hiccup?' I try to retreat, just enough to look at him. He lets me do so reluctantly. 'What… Why…?' I have trouble finding words while looking in his brightly shining green eyes. He smiles warmly and leans his forehead against mine. 'You have no idea for how long I wished for you to say these words. To dream… To hope…' He whispers. I swallow. These are my words, my feelings. Could it be..? 'For how long?' I hear myself ask. He draws back to look at me again. His face, his eyes are serious. 'Astrid I'm in love with you for almost ten years now!'_

 **Dear Diary**

Hey there. It's me again. Haven't thought you'd hear from me again so soon, have you? Well' it's almost dawn and only a few hours have past. The flight didn't help to clear my mind… neither did the hours we spend in my Glowing Cave for that matter... Yes, I said we, because Hiccup was with me. It's a long story, maybe I'll tell you another time… But it seems we're together now… as a couple… Or maybe I'm still dreaming… I don't hope so! My mind certainly feels hazy though…

This night we spend in my Cave was… special. We talked for hours and… okay, we didn't _just_ talk… There was a lot of kissing, too… Anyways we talked about so many things… Things we both never dared to mention these past years. We certainly could have made things easier for us…

It begins with the fact that Hiccup seems to be in love with me for _ten years_! I'm only beginning to comprehend what that means… He said he started working in Gobber's forge because of me. I resented him for so long because of that and he did it _for me_! He knew I wanted to become a warrior and since he was not the fighting type he wanted to help me by making weapons for me. That so… sweet. And it made me feel guilty retrospectively. In addition it looks like Gobber knew all along. Apparently he always gave my weapons to Hiccup for mending. Because he knew what it meant to him. And he never said a word. Gobber always was like an uncle to me and he never said a word!

I also asked Hiccup why he didn't say anything. Like after he defeated the Red Death, that year on Snoggletog, the Thawfest-Incident… Okay, cross out the last one, I wasn't coherent myself that day… But there where so many occasions when I thought I showed enough of my feelings for him to know… He admitted to have noticed these things. At least… But apparently he had never allowed himself to _believe_ any of it. He said he had dreamed and hoped for so long that he wasn't even considering it could come true. He said that… that to him I'm the perfect divine beauty, as it is in my name, and that he never considered himself worthy enough…

It made me feel bad to hear him say this. I'm far from perfect… I'm mean and I'm callous sometimes and I'm a coward… All the things he's not. I rather think that I'm the one who doesn't deserve _him_ , that I'm the fortunate one of us.

Ah, I'll have to think more about all this… For now, we agreed to not tell the others about us. I really don't need any teasing or mocking comments from Snotlout or Tuffnut right now… And I think I'll be able to handle Snotlout's flirting comments far better now. We'll try to behave normally around the others. That shouldn't be too hard I guess. We've been close before and as long as they don't catch us kissing…

The Sun is rising… I'll try to catch some hours of sleep now. Luckily the journey back from Berk was hard for all of us and no one will be up before noon…

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Pls review and let me know what you think of this ^^"**


	5. Race to the Edge 1 (Part II)

**Race to the Edge 1 (Part II)**

Hah! My fantasy's running wild… Hiccup probably wouldn't act like this… but then, maybe we would! Maybe being with Astrid boosts his confidence. Who knows…? ;)

I changed the order of the events slightly at the end… 'The Next Big Sting' should be last but it's not a good ending for this chapter. It doesn't change anything, however…

* * *

 **Gone Gustav Gone**

Dear Diary

It's been two weeks now and they were trying indeed. We organized our life at the Edge and it works well so far. Hiccup came up with the plan. We rotate duties like cooking, fishing, dragon care and keeping watch so that everyone has the same amount of work to do. Well, the Twins asked me whether I would trade one duty for another. They would take my cooking duty in order for their watch duty. I don't like the idea of unbalancing Hiccup's system but then… I really _hate_ cooking duty and the Twins on watch duty are probably not very effective. I'm going to agree to the offer as long as Hiccup's alright with it.

Hiccup's quiet busy these days by the way… He and Fishlegs try to decipher the Dragon Eye and spend almost every free minute at Hiccup's hut trying every combination they can think of. Apparently what the Dragon Eye shows depends on numerous factors. I accompanied Hiccup during his researches. Of course it is interesting how much knowledge is hidden inside this little cylinder but I did it rather to spend some time with Hiccup. I gave up on that after a few tries though. I'm not sure he even noticed I was there. He's completely absorbed by his researches and it's kind of cute to watch him. But it's also annoying.

Keeping our relationship secret has worked so far by the way. Except for occasional glances we try to act no different around the others then before. It would be awkward anyway to kiss Hiccup with the others around… Keeping my distance during the day doesn't bother me much. It makes the nights so much sweeter. We rejected the idea of meeting in one of our huts out of hand. No one should come in there at night but you never know… Instead we agreed to meet in my Glowing Cave. It's nice to have this place all to ourselves. After our first night there Hiccup had the idea of bringing some spare furs and blankets to make it more comfortable. The Cave is shielded from the wind but we can't make a fire or else this secret place could easily be detected. And I know what you think right now! But it's not like that… we cuddle and kiss of course but also talk a lot.

We talk about the day, upcoming problems and how to solve them. Dagur is a pressing topic, too. He's still out there and surely has not forgotten about us.

We also talked about past adventures and compared our experiences. For example the arrival of the Flightmare. I never noticed Hiccup got keyed up, too, during the days before. But of course he had helped me through Uncle Finn's loss, long before anyone thought about love. He always knew what the return of the Flightmare meant to me and was worried or me. The more I think of this the more stupid I feel… Retrospectively there are so many things I misinterpreted.

There was one other issue that keeps popping up in my mind since we talked about it. Heather. I thought about her occasionally during the past years, too, but it happens much more frequently these days. We never heard from her again after she and her parents left Berk. I wonder how she's doing. I still think it would have been nice if I would have had a friend like her around all these years. I really hope she's alright

We also talked about Alvin a lot. During these past three years he had visited Stoick a few times, but fortunately he never crossed my path. I never liked him and trusted him even less but Hiccup tried to convince me of his trustworthiness. Apparently Alvin and Stoick were once not unlike Snotlout and Hiccup in their difficult friendship. Well, that doesn't make me trust him more though… I'll never forget or forgive all the tricks Alvin used. The days Hiccup and Toothless spend in Alvin's dungeon, Mildew's betrayal, the eggs of the Whispering Death and the Screaming Death of course. When I reminded Hiccup of this his mood darkened, too.

He, too, remembers. There were other events that were more crucial to him though. For example the days I had to spend in bed because of my broken rips. I haven't thought about these days in a long time but apparently Hiccup has. He told me the fact that I got hurt during this event is one of the things he'll never forgive Alvin no matter how good a friend he became to his father. After all that happened between us this is one of the things that comfort me the most. When Hiccup brought it up I remembered how bad I felt since I thought Hiccup took care of me because of guilt. After all these years I now know that was not the case. He took care of me back then because he already loved me. He wanted to spend time with me and wanted to lighten my suffering. I told Hiccup how close I was in telling him my feelings that one day. We both laughed about our own former stupidity. How different our contemporary lives would be? If we would have been a couple all these years we would probably be married by now. In that case we probably would not have looked for the _Reaper_ , would not have found the Dragon Eye hence the Dragon Edge.

Hiccup also suggested that we probably would be parents by now. That thought crept me out a little. Yes, sure, of course we will probably have children… someday… Hiccup would need an heir at least… But to me this whole topic is quiet far down the list! I just can't see myself as a caring mother or worse, as a housewife. I'm pretty glad this is not a pressing issue right now. But I'm aware of the fact that it could become one soon. Our relationship has not yet reached that crucial point but it will do so eventually. As much as I like being with Hiccup I'm also careful in how far we're going. We also talked about that topic a lot… for I really don't want to surprise the whole population of Berk by presenting the youngest Dragon Rider at Snoggletog…

Dear Diary

These last few days have been more than a little frustrating. Fishlegs discovered another function at the Dragon Eye and after that we saw near to nothing of him and Hiccup. I tried to reach them inside their geeky bubble when I brought them some food but they barely noticed me. Okay, Hiccup did notice me. He apologized for being so busy and promised to meet me later. He even hugged me, guilt induced probably, right there in front of Fishlegs. But there's no need to worry, really… Fishlegs had the Dragon Eye after all.

Later came and I waited in our Glowing Cave but Hiccup didn't show up! I fell asleep after waiting for one or two hours and when I awoke in the morning he hadn't been there. I was angry and hurt and when I flew over to his hut to confront him I found him and Fishlegs fast asleep. It was funny, really. Fishlegs lay on the ground, loose sheets of paper with cryptic notes all around him, and snored heavily. Hiccup sat on his stool, head resting on the desk and using the Dragon Eye as kind of a pillow. I was still disappointed then but not angry anymore.

I always knew how important these researches were to Hiccup. His enthusiasm is one of the things I love about him most after all. I can't begrudge it now. I did talk to him however, later that day. He obviously felt pretty guilty and apologized over and over. He promised something like that wouldn't happen again. I already know that's a promise he won't be able to keep but that's alright. He's Hiccup after all.

The following nights however he did show up in our Cave. He was late and I already asleep so he just snuggled up beside me but he was there. I can only hope this obsession with the Dragon Eye won't last too long…

 _This is bad! This is really bad!_

 _I'm on guard duty and just saw someone approaching the Edge through one of Hiccup's spyglasses. I have to warn Hiccup right away. I nudge Stormfly and she's airborne immediately. 'Towards Hiccup's' I order and only seconds later I dismount in front of his hut. I open his entrance and find him, of course, with the Dragon Eye in hand._

 _'Astrid Class!' He says with a slightly embarrassed laughter. Great… So I'm promoted to be a dragon now. As long as he's not trying to train me as well…_

 _'Hiccup, we have a problem. A huge problem!' I tell him in a grave voice._

 _He becomes serious immediately. 'Dagur?' He asks, but I shake my head. 'Worse!'_

* * *

 _Gustav is going to stay with us? He can't be serious, can he? He's just a kid! He can't stay at the Edge! Why hasn't Hiccup told him so right away? Fishlegs and the others disappeared into nowhere right after this revelation. Maybe they are smarter then I gave them credit for…_

 _'Astrid? Please?' Hiccup's pleading is endearing in a way. Like a puppy…_

 _'Wait a minute! Why do I have to watch him?' I ask nonetheless. It's bad enough to watch over the Twins and Snotlout on occasions. But Gustav? No way!_

 _'I would do it but I'm making some just… major breakthroughs with the Dragon Eye.' Of course. In Hiccup's world that's reason enough… But still… 'So?' I ask, not letting Hiccup off the hook that easily._

 _'I…I did promise him that when the time was right I would train him to be a Dragon Rider.' Hiccup admits uncomfortably. 'I just didn't think that said time would be today!' As if there was any time suitable for annoying Gustav to join us…_

 _'Well what am I supposed to do with him in the meantime?' I'll wrangle some time for Hiccup. But he owes me for this…_

 _'I… I don't know. Just keep him occupied!' He gets more uncomfortable by the minute. Good! There's one thing left…_

 _'Great! So I'm a babysitter!' I state._

 _'Babysitter…?' Hiccup knows just too well what I'm referring to and has the decency to be embarrassed. 'No! I mean, come on. He's sixteen! How much trouble could he possibly be?'_

 _You have no idea, I think to myself._

* * *

 _Urg… This was bad… Little Gustav is even worse than Snotlout ever was! I don't want to even_ imagine _what happened inside his dump head just now… I dropped him off at the Twins' hut. He can't do too much damage there, I guess. And now I'll have a talk with Hiccup!_

 _When I reach his hut I find its entrance closed again. I can hear Hiccup talking to himself inside. I open the hut and enter once more._

 _'So, the Monstrous Nightmare Gem plus Deadly Nadder equals… Astrid! Hey Astrid… what're you doing here? So soon, I mean… Is Gustav….' Hiccup stammers as I glare at him._

 _'Still alive?' Yes, he is. But it was close, I dare say. He tried to get shot by Stormfly's spikes.' I wander over towards Hiccup and take the Dragon Eye out of his hands. 'We have to talk!' I say and cramp the Dragon Eye into a nearby chest. He looks at it longingly and I roll my eyes._

 _'Do I have to take something off to get your attention or will you be able to listen without drastic measures?' Hah,_ that _got his attention. 'Erm…' Hiccup blushes as he tries to find an answer. I shake my head and smile a little. 'Let's get you out of here.' I suggest and he follows me out of the hut obediently._

 _I don't mount Stormfly. A dragon's back is not the best place for a conversation. Instead I wait for Hiccup and we take a walk over the bridges and to a high nearby cliff. Stormfly and Toothless follow us at a short distance. The walk does take some time and I don't say a word until we reach the cliff giving Hiccup time to think. He really needs this from time to time. He's far too occupied with this Dragon Eye…_

 _'So?' I ask when we sit side by side at the cliff. Hiccup sighs. 'I know what you want to say Astrid. But I promised I would train him… I can't just send him away again.'_

 _'Well, he can't stay either. He's just a kid!' I counter. 'And don't tell me we were at the same age. I did realize that. But we were on Berk! We had our families and the whole village as back-up. Here at the Edge we're on our own. We can't train a kid to become a Rider right now!'_

 _Hiccup looks miserable. 'I know that…' He claims. 'But I always wished for more Berkians to get their own dragons. It would be saver for them. We have to start somewhere.' He looks at me, pleading for understanding. 'I have to at least try' He adds almost whispering._

 _I try to think it trough. Hiccup does have a point. Maybe if we try to train him a few basics and send him back to Berk as guardian... One of us should probably stay on Berk, too, for one or two weeks at least. To make sure Gustav and Fanghook settle there and explain it all to Stoick… I'm deep in thoughts and almost miss out on Hiccup getting up._

 _'What's up?' I ask, but Hiccup doesn't answer. He has his spyglass up and looks at… his hut? I get on my feet, too, and try to spot what has him so occupied. At that moment a Monstrous Nightmare darts out of Hiccup's hut and flies off over the sea._

 _'By Thor's Hammer! What did he do in there?' Hiccup curses and waved toward Toothless. 'Come on, bud. We have to take a look at this!' He's on Toothless' back and in the air before I can even react. Sometimes being with Hiccup is a tiny bit frustrating…_

 _I mount Stormfly and follow Hiccup. When I reach his hut I find him rummaging through every chest and box he can find. 'No, no, no!' He shouts. 'He took it! Gustav took the Dragon Eye!'_

Dear Diary

What a day… I thought it couldn't get worse when Gustav showed up all of a sudden but apparently I was wrong. He stole the Dragon Eye and almost got himself killed and I still feel guilty about that. If it wasn't for me, Hiccup would not have left his hut or would have hidden the Dragon Eye more securely at least. Luckily we found Gustav in time but it was close. The Dragon Eye could be lost forever and Gustav could be dead…

Hiccup was angry... He yelled at Gustav for not being mature and responsible enough. I felt pretty bad, too, and it wasn't even me he was yelling at… I've rarely seen him like this and wanted to talk to him about it but he blocked me off. I guess he needs some time to calm down. Knowing Hiccup he probably blames himself for what happened. That would explain his anger, too. But honestly it's rather my fault than his. I'm the one who left the Dragon Eye unguarded in that chest and pushed Hiccup to come for a walk. And I'm the one who was responsible for Gustav in the first place, too. I should have known that dropping him at the Twins' would not be a good idea. No, Hiccup really should not blame himself…

* * *

 _I can't sleep. I sit at a window near my bedside table and watch the night sky, clouds passing the moon and stars. It's the first night I'm going to spend in my hut, my bed in a long time. I shiver and it's not just because of the chilly wind. Is this our first fight? It seems like it somehow although I always imagined a fight to be different. Maybe he, too, realized that I'm the one to blame for today's events. Maybe I should apologize, but then… I don't see how I would have acted any different in the given situation. And Hiccup didn't even want to talk to me…_

 _I see movement outside. A dragon flies by probably one of the wild ones that inhabit the island. But this close?_

 _I hear something at my entrance. Someone opens it slightly only to close it again immediately. I can't imagine anyone to be so bold as to break into my hut so it can only be Hiccup. Please, let it be Hiccup! I grab my axe nonetheless and wait for whoever entered my hut. It actually could also be Gustav, I guess._

 _But it's not Gustav. I see Hiccup's head poking out of the ladder's opening. I'm relieved to see him and lower my axe again. 'Oh, you're awake.' Hiccup remarks surprised as he sees me battle ready. His eyes cling on my axe and a groan escapes him. 'Not that one again!' He whines mockingly and scratches a faint scar at his neck after I helped him up the ladder._

 _'Well, a girl has to defend herself somehow!' I reply, also mockingly._

 _'As if anyone would dare to intrude your realm without your permission.' He rolls his eyes at me. I raise an eyebrow. 'I… I assumed… hoped you would allow me to…' He adds, stammering._

 _I chuckle and place a quick kiss at the scar on his neck. 'You're lucky. I won't behead you... this time' He gulps exaggerated and I wink at him._

 _I place my axe back on its shelf. When I turn back towards Hiccup our joking mood is gone. I remember how we parted earlier today and so does he, I assume. I should say something. Apologize probably. But I'm not used to feeling this unsecure and before I can think of what to say Hiccup begins._

 _'Astrid I wanted to apologize. I should not have left you like this earlier. I… I just needed some time to think things through and…actually your presence is not exactly helpful thereby.' He blushes slightly and I smile a little. I step closer and place my hands on his chest. 'So, now it's my turn to apologize?' I ask shyly, not looking into his eyes. That wouldn't be helpful for_ me _to think. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. 'What do you have to apologize for?' He asks, sounding honestly surprised. I bite my lip. Not helpful indeed._

 _'Well, Gustav would never have been able to get away with the Dragon Eye if I hadn't dropped him off on the Twins. Or if I hadn't kidnapped you for that mmmhh-' Hiccup interrupts me by kissing me on the lips. I meld against him and wrap my arms around his neck. If this was our first fight then this first make-up was defiantly worth it. But all too soon Hiccup releases me and looks me in the eyes instead, sternly._

 _'Don't you dare blame yourself Astrid.' He says and I can feel his sincerity. This is no joking around. He closes his eyes and pulls me even closer. I rest my head on his shoulder and wait. There's more he wants to say I can feel it somehow. He needs to get it off his chest. It takes a few moments but then he starts talking again._

 _'You were right… I needed to get out… This Dragon Eye… It has me far too occupied for my own good and for all our goods as well. And for ours…' He places a quick kiss on my hair. 'I should not have loaded it upon you to watch over Gustav in the first place. I should have done it myself. I…' He sighs and shakes his head. 'I realized a few things earlier today… The Dragon Eye required my entire time. Time I better should have spent on other things instead. First and foremost I should have had more time for you. I… I'm still not used to… this.' He gestures vaguely at the two of us. 'I promise I won't let this thing keep me mentally imprisoned like that again!' He vows. I smile to myself. I'm really relieved to hear him say this._

 _'So, no more sleepovers at your desk?' I ask, the joking mood returning._

 _'Hah!' He replies 'No, I thought a bed would be much more comfortable. Oh, see, there is one! What a coincident…' He keels over onto my bed, taking me with him. I yelp in surprise but he just laughs. 'Ah, that's better. Now, referring to your prior offer…' He grins at me cheekily. I narrow my eyes at him. 'You wanted to take something off' He reminds me, still grinning. I punch him in the shoulder and he grimaces but keeps grinning._

 _Then he moves, fast, and I find myself lying on my back pinned to the bed by Hiccup atop me. He holds on to my hands beside my head and supports most of his weight with his arms. I can barely move however and before I can protest his lips are on mine. This kiss is not gentle or sweet but rather fervid. It waves through my entire body wiping away every coherent thought in my head and induces a strange tingling sensation deep down in my belly. All I sense is Hiccup, his lips moving with mine, his muscled body just separated from mine by a few layers of cloth. I can feel the heat radiating from him. I arc my back to get closer and my head dips backward in unison. A low mourn escapes me as Hiccup continuous to kiss my throat. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I should stop this… But why I can't remember. I don't want him to stop! His hand is on my waist now, gliding under my shirt and up my spine. I groan again, louder this time._

 _All of a sudden Hiccup, his hands, his lips, his heat, is gone. It takes a moment for me to understand what happened. I'm breathing heavily and I feel like my whole body is on fire. I open my eyes and find Hiccup lying next to me, against the wall. He's breathing heavily, too, and has one arm over his face, covering his eyes._

 _'I'm sorry Astrid.' He gasps roughly. 'I shouldn't...' He doesn't continue but I know, what he's thinking. He should not have gone so far. Only I don't agree with him._

 _I roll to the side, closer toward him and place my lips on the corner of his mouth. 'Sorry for what?' I ask, smiling. Hiccup lifts his arm to study me. 'You're… not mad?' he asks carefully. 'Do I look mad?' I snuggle closer. He studies me for a moment longer then chuckles and lays his arm around me. 'I love you' he whispers in my ear. I sigh and simply enjoy the moment._

 _After a while Hiccup shuffles and I untangle myself from his embrace. I sit up and look at him only to find him looking at me in return. He sits up, too, his expression serious, and brushes some loose strands of hair out of my face. 'You're really okay? With what happened, I mean…' He trails off, blushing again, despite his former straightforward behavior. I tilt my head and try to think it trough in a hurry. Then I nod._

 _'I'm okay, more than okay really, with what just happened. Because you stopped.' Too early for my taste, but I don't say this. 'I don't know if I would have been able to do so...' I admit. 'I just really, really don't want to become pregnant right now…' I feel a blush rising in my cheeks too and look away. I'm unsure whether to tell him what's on my mind but decide to do so. I take a deep breath to steady my voice. It's no good. 'I liked it.' I whisper. I'm not sure whether Hiccup could hear it though._

 _But apparently he could for he takes me in a light embrace and replies 'Me too.' He clears his throat and adds 'And… you know… you wouldn't be alone… I mean… I wouldn't… ah… leave you with… erm…' I interrupt his stammering by nodding against his chest._

 _'I know' I reply._

Dear Diary

So, Gustav is gone again and with him a whole lot of problems, too. The Edge is a calmer place once again. And despite our lapses the others still don't suspect anything about Hiccup and me. We spend the last night in my hut together, both too tired to go anywhere else. I like sleeping in Hiccup's arm. It's the only place I can really relax. But I fear Hiccup wasn't as comfortable though for he still looked pretty tired this morning. In a way it was good that everyone was agitated this morning because of Gustav's departure. That way no one noticed Hiccup coming out of my hut instead of his.

I made another mistake though. During our search for Gustav I checked Hiccup's hut, too. It was empty the whole night so he could have been there theoretically and since I checked the clubhouse and stables his hut wasn't far off. Hiccup flew around the island instead as Toothless is much faster… Snotlout at least must have heard me when I told Hiccup that I didn't find Gustav. Luckily he's not smart enough to put two and two together or he surely would have commented it in any way. If we really want to keep this secret we probably have to be more careful…

There is something else that worries me though… Despite everything Gustav _did_ discover a new lens for the Dragon Eye… I can only hope this won't interfere with Hiccups promise. This lens surely holds a lot of new information and I couldn't even hold it against him if he wants to examine it further… But I really want some more alone time with Hiccup…

What happened last night… I don't know how to describe it. This feeling was intoxicating, addictive… I want more of it! More of Hiccup's touches and kisses and more of this tingling sensation deep inside me… Even when I recall last night's event now all I can think is _more!_ But I'm also afraid… I really don't see how I would have stopped Hiccup. If he hadn't done so himself… Maybe I should be more on guard… Or maybe it will get easier…

What Hiccup said later though… I think he intended to assure me. That he wouldn't leave me alone with a child… That's quiet close to a proposal, really, especially for him as future chief. An illegitimate child would always threaten his reign… Could it really be that it was _that_ he tried to tell me? I probably should have let him finish speaking…

 **Reign Of Fireworms**

Dear Diary

Outpost Island belongs to the Twins… Gobber just declared their Namey Rock to be authentic and Stoick made it official. Hiccup thinks this problem will solve itself once Ruff and Tuff realize what it means to be in charge… I really hope he's right and that they realize it soon. These Fireworms are going to burn down the entire island and our new rulers don't -

* * *

 _Two arms embrace me from behind and I hastily shut my Diary. A moment later Hiccup kisses my neck and I close my eyes, enjoying the sensation. 'Will you ever let me read any of what you're writing there all the time?' He asks, his lips still on my skin. I try to form a coherent though but it's no good. I turn around to glare at him, freeing myself from his embrace in the process._

 _'No!' I simply state and get up from my chair. 'When did you get so sneaky?' I ask in return. 'I didn't even hear the creaky rundle.' – 'Well, I know that one by now and simply skipped it' He answers and studies me. 'And you look tired enough to overhear a Thunderdrum. Why aren't you asleep? I though that's why you came here in the first place.' He leans against my desk and watches me as I stretch._

 _'I know. I tried to, really. But I can't sleep as long as there's so much work to do…' I yarn and rub my forehead. We spend a major part of yesterday and last night clearing the brush in and around the Edge. My back still aches from the unusual work._

 _Hiccup nods in appreciation. 'That's my girl. Working non-stop until she breaks down… Maybe you should sit back down again. Sleeping at your desk is a fine way to reward yourself for a long day's work, I assure you…' I glare at him but he just chuckles and waves me over. 'Anyway, I came to get you. The Twins are going to give out job assignments and we're not allowed to be late…'_

 _'Great!' I groan and rub my eyes. I heard the sarcasm in his voice though and it comforts me to know that he, too, is not happy with this situation._

 **Crushing It**

Dear Diary

It's weird to have Gobber and Stoick here at the Edge for this long… After that Rumblehorn warned us of that wave and Stoick befriended the beast they are now staying until Gobber gets back to normal after his hit to the head. Admittedly they help a lot in repairing the damaged parts of the Edge and of course Stoick spends much time with his son since they don't see each other often anymore. And I know that Hiccup enjoys this time with his father, too, but Hiccup and I have practically no chance to be on our own at all anymore…

They are staying at Hiccup's hut of course and Stoick would probably notice if he were to sneak away at night… Hiccup tried the same excuse we give the others every now and then though, that we would occasionally go on night time patrols just to be on the save side. None of the others ever seemed to think twice about it and surely no one offered to join these additional _patrols_ that actually end pretty soon in our Glowing Cave. When Hiccup told his father though Stoick apparently just glanced out of the window to where I was waiting, nodded with a grin and told him to have fun. I don't think we'll try that one again on Stoick… He really sees much more than most others, especially when it comes to Hiccup.

I just hope they'll leave soon…

 **Quake, Rattle And Roll**

Dear Diary

I like Fishlegs… Really, I do. But whenever he calls out for Hiccup in this panicky-excited voice of his I want to strangle him! Just this morning he apparently made this _stunning_ discovery of some sort of hidden island and away they flew.

I mean… I'm glad, it's Fishlegs who investigates the Dragon Eye now and I know this only works for Hiccup as long as he gets informed about every major discovery immediately… But it's annoying nonetheless! Especially since this means I'm the one who has to keep the Twins in check…

So the two of them flew off to this Dark Deep, or whatever they call it… I hope this journey only takes a few days. I hate being left behind with only Snotlout and the Twins as company…

 **The Next Big Sting**

Dear Diary

If Hiccup ever intends to do something like this again remind me to tie him up in time! He jumped off a cliff today. THREE TIMES! Just to prove to us that his latest invention would work… He built himself wings, can you believe it? He called it 'Dragonfly I'. If he intends to build more of these I'll lock him up. For his own good! For once I agree with Tuffnut and his stupid chicken. I'm not amused! Not! At! All! Is he actually this weary of everything that he tries to get himself killed?

Ah, no… Of course that's not the case… It's Hiccup! He probably really thinks this flight suit is a great idea and of great use. It's just as crackbrained an idea as keeping this Speed Stinger around and trying to train it…

 **Have Dragon Will Travel** (for my personal 'Heather'…)

Dear Diary

So, we're back on Berk again. Two weeks at home, time to resupply and see our families. It's harder than I thought it would be! I'm so used to have my own hut, my own home by now. It's great to be with my parents again but I have a hard time readjusting. Especially since Hiccup and I don't want anyone on Berk to know about us as well. I don't think my parents would let my fly away with him again if they knew… They would probably insist upon our immediate marriage. And I don't even want to think about Stoick's scrutinizing look. I fear he suspects something.

Anyway there are still good part in being on Berk. Hiccup has been euphoric for days to use Gobber's forge. Sure, he has his own little forge at the Edge but it is nothing of course to Gobber's. Apparently someone found another lump of Gronckle Iron and Hiccup promised to forge something for me, a surprise, and I'm pretty curious as to what it might be.

We also went on a few scouting patrols around the island. Old habits die hard, I guess. Although I know this place quiet well by now Hiccup and I flew over to Toothless' Cove as he calls it. He told me in detail how he and Toothless became friends all those years ago. This has always been a rather personal matter to him. We all know theoretically how he managed it but he never told us more then necessary. This time was different though. He told me everything. I feel honored to have this amount of his trust now.

When I think about these weeks back then… how I loathed him for being so strangely good in our dragon training. It must have been a hard time for him, really. Apparently he cared for this then unfamiliar dragon whenever he could. How he learned about his feeding habits, how he actually stole whole baskets of fish and carried them all the way to this cove. But that's what it is with most dragons… Feeding them is the way to get to them.

Okay and yes, we used this chance of being alone in other ways, too, of course. And Hiccup actually left a love bite at my neck! I'm always so careful to not let anyone suspect anything and then he does something like this! Luckily I can hide it beneath my braid but still…

Tomorrow we'll fly back to the Edge. I'm really looking forward to some normalcy.

* * *

' _You're so sweet! Thank you, Hiccup! You've always been a good friend to me.' I hear Heather say. I lean against the outer wall of the stables and wait. Hiccup and I came here to talk to Heather but when we arrived Hiccup told me to wait out of sight. When it comes to dealing with people, to comfort them and talk seriously, I trust Hiccup's judgment. He's way better with things like this then I am._

 _There is this tiny gab in the wall however and I watched them talk until a few moments ago. I trust Hiccup, I really do, but his embracing another girl is not something I want to see. Even if said girl calls him a friend simultaneously. Even if it's Heather… I bite my lip and wait, arms crossed, for them to part. Heather stays with Windshear fortunately and Hiccup beckons me to follow him. We say nothing until we reach his hut. There he stops me by holding on to my still crossed arm._

 _'You saw that, huh?' He asks and I simply nod. 'Astrid it was-' I silence him by holding up a hand._

 _'I know! I know it was nothing…serious.' I shake my head in an attempt to get the image out of my head. 'It's just… I'm hardly used to_ being _with you let alone… jealousy.' The last word comes out only as a mumble. With a low chuckle Hiccup steps closer, arms lifted to take me in but I retreat, looking around carefully. No one to be seen but you never know… Hiccup sighs and lowers his arms again. 'Astrid…' he begins but I interrupt him again. 'It's alright, Hiccup, really! I trust you! I just have to get used to this…'_

 _Hiccup scratches his neck. 'Well, then this might not get me killed after all…' he mumbles. 'I won't be coming over to your hut tonight.'_

 _I nod. I expected that after all. 'I know. I already prepared a place for Heather to sleep. We can hardly leave her with Snotlout' I chuckle but soon stop when I notice Hiccup's apprehensive face. 'What is it? Spit it out!' I order._

 _'Ah, please let me finish speaking, okay?' Hiccup holds up his hands in defense and I narrow my eyes at him. 'I don't think Heather will spend the night at your hut either' He declares. I try again to interrupt him but this time he puts a finger on my lips to silence me. 'Let me finish, remember? I suspect she won't stay at the Edge at all. I have a feeling…' His look wanders to the stables. 'I think she's going to leave as soon as we're all asleep. She hides something and I want to know what it is!'_

 _I let out a breath I didn't even notice I was keeping. For a moment I thought… I shudder slightly. My heart races and I cross my arms again to keep them from shaking. 'So, you're going to follow her?' I ask and Hiccup nods. I nod, too. I think about suggesting to accompany him but I don't. A secret pursuit through the night? In opposition to Toothless Stormfly is not suited for something like that._

 _I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself. I'm acting stupid and I know that! He never gave me a reason to doubt him. I refuse to feel this insecure now! 'How are you going to go about it?' I ask. Talking tactics may help me focus._

 _Hiccup shrugs. 'I thought I'd simply wait near the stables for her to leave and follow her. In this case the simple solution might be the best.' I nod in agreement. 'In that case, you still have a few minutes, right?' I ask impishly. He watches me warily. 'Yes?' he answers but it sounds unsure._

 _'Great!' I state and push him through the open entrance into his hut. In the safety of the shadowed room I kiss him in a way that hopefully makes him regret not having more time._

Dear Diary

Just as expected Heather was gone in the morning and so was Hiccup. The others made some rude comments about it, teasing and mocking me. Sometimes I really wish they would have stayed on Berk… Fishlegs is alright and even useful sometimes, but the rest…

Hiccup and I agreed that I would tell them about his plan to pursuit Heather in the morning but I changed my mind. I don't think it hurt them to wonder and worry. Even later when we found our dragons locked up I let them fear the worst as punishment. It took us some time to open the boxes and only then, when they prepared to fly off into nowhere I told them. Their stunned expressions were priceless!

This is so strange… When Heather was on Berk all this years ago I hated her most of the time… Only at the end I was sorry to see her go. I often wondered how she was doing, wished to hear from her. We only had a few hours on Berk after we saved her and her parents from Outcast Island but they were enough to form a strange kind of friendship. Well, strange for me at least.

I always accepted to be on my own. Even now with Hiccup there are still many things, many interests we don't share. I have my weapons training and he has his inventions. We often work together in these interests but they are still separated. I don't understand how his inventions work and I suspect it's no different for him when it comes to the subtleties of fighting. With Heather I met a person that understood me. I remember how euphoric I was when I could actually talk about things and recognized the comprehension in Heather's eyes. I guess that's why Hiccup is able to talk to Fishlegs for hours…

When I saw that chicken leg yesterday I dared to hope for a moment. It reminded me so much of Heather… Actually seeing her then was… surreal in a way. But after we returned to the Edge it took only minutes and we were on the same wavelength again as Snotlout experienced firsthand. We talked a lot for the rest of the day but only later, after Hiccup was already gone, I realized that she didn't _tell_ us anything. What happened to her and her parents? What did she do all these years? Why was she out there, sinking ships?

Right now I'm closer to hating her again… Hiccup was right, she is hiding something. It hurts that she wouldn't trust me with this. And she's out there with Hiccup right now… It's not that I mistrust him! But I envy her… Whatever Hiccup's facing… Since he hasn't returned by now he probably met some trouble. Arg, it's Hiccup! Of course he met some trouble! I should have gone with him after all…

 _I can hear commotion from the outside and put aside my diary. Are Ruff and the boys doing nonsense again? I widen the span of my shutters to take a look… and catch a glimpse of a metallic dragon tail disappearing behind the club house. So, they are back! Finally!_

 _I jump up from my chair and down the ladder in a hurry only to find Hiccup waiting downstairs. 'Hey there' he greats me before I throw my arms around his neck. 'You're back!' I'm more relieved to see him back safely then I should be. He wasn't gone that long. I probably should get used to the actual danger out here…_

 _He closes his arms around me and I can feel him relaxing. 'I missed you, too.' He adds with a low chuckle. We stay like this for a few moments before I remember why he left in the first place. 'What about Heather? Did you find out what's up with her?' I ask after retreating slightly. Hiccup nods. 'She's in the club house with the others. I came to get you, she wants to talk to all of you.'_

Dear Diary

Spending Time with Heather is fun! I never had a friend like her before who's just as competitive and skilled as I am. She's also far more observant then everyone else around here… I fear she knows about Hiccup and me. Hopefully she'll keep it to herself…

Well she won't have a chance to tell anyone in the near future. She wants to show me something and we'll be on the way for at least one day. I wonder what it might be… Anyways, I came to get my things. Hiccup already knows about our trip and told us to have fun. But he also asked me to keep an eye on Heather. She's still not telling us the whole truth, I guess.

* * *

 _'You too? Just forget it. All that stuff about trust and having my back, I guess that was just talk.' Heather turns her back on me and leaves. I feel awful! She does have a point… But what can we possibly do? Without Hiccup and Toothless we have little chance against Dagur and his improved ships. If only I knew where he flew or when he's going to come back…_

 _Apparently he flew off yesterday shortly after Heather and I left. He only told Fishlegs that he had something important to check and would be gone for a few days… To think that I started to worry after only 12 hours… I really need to become calmer…_

 _I still don't know what to do about Heather though. She's right in that this is probably our last chance to get rid of these ships. But as long as Hiccup's gone I'm the one in charge and I can't send everyone on a dangerous mission just like that without the back-up of our strongest weapon. I wonder how Hiccup handles things like this… But then he would never be in a situation like this since he would be_ there _!_

 _I reach my hut and enter it. It feels empty and cold somehow. Heather already got her things apparently. I climb the ladder to drop my bag and rest a little after today's long flight. I lie down on my bed and close my eyes. The cushions still smell like Hiccup… What would he do? He asked me to keep an eye on Heather… But she's determined to hunt Dagur down. And I agree! I want this maniac safely locked-up just like everyone else. But the danger…_

 _I roll to the side, restlessly. This is not getting me anywhere… Suddenly I notice a folded piece of paper on top of the other cushion. I sit up and reach for it when I see it has my name written on it. I unfold it and read._

 _Dear Astrid,_

 _I found something in Heather's belongings and have to talk about this to my father immediately._

 _I'll explain everything when I have my answers and am back at the Edge. Until then I have to ask you a favor. Please keep Heather from any drastic measures and keep her save. She might be more closely involved in all this then we thought…_

 _I'm sorry for not telling you in person but you and Heather are already too far gone and I don't want her to know where I'm going anyway._

 _And since I know you… I'm also sorry for not taking you with me! But I'll be faster on my own. I hope I can make it back in one and a half days._

 _Hiccup_

 _I lower the letter and stare at the opposite wall for a few moments. Here is my answer! We can't let Heather face Dagur on her own. Hiccup would not hesitate to help any of us no matter the danger. I grab my axe and hurry out of my hut. Hopefully Heather is not jet gone!_

* * *

 _Heather flies off into the sunset._ It was nice having a friend again _she said. That's so true! I'm going to really miss her. And now that I know she's always out there somewhere all on her own… I still think it would be better for any of us if she were to stay here. But it's her decision after all…_

 _I feel Hiccup stepping closer to me. 'Hey, I know you guys got pretty close. I'm sorry you're losing a friend.' He says in a gloomy voice. I now he's not happy to let her leave, either. I lay an arm around his shoulder to both our comfort. 'But I still have you.' I reply with a smile. He smiles back at me before we watch Heather disappear._

 _'So, now I'm just a friend again?' He asks in a teasing voice. 'I guess that happens when one leaves his girlfriend alone for too long…Ouch!' I tug at a strand of his hair._

 _'Serves you right!' I add with a grin. Then I notice something else. 'And what exactly is your hand doing there?'_

 _Hiccup attempts to keep a serious expression. 'I have no idea what you're talking about. It is just where it should be' – 'On my butt?' – 'Jep!'_

 _Before I can react to this he uses his hold of me to turn me toward him. I try to retreat but he doesn't let me. 'The others…' I start but he interrupts me by kissing me, again. For a moment I forget everything else. The whole world could be on fire right now, I wouldn't notice. I place my hands on his face and his arms around me tighten._

 _Then he releases my lips and leans his forehead against mine. 'Guess what?' he asks in a rough voice. 'I don't care…'_

 _I close my eyes and smile. Right now I don't care either._


	6. Race to the Edge 2 (Part I-Team Astrid)

This chapter took me like… forever… And it is really just about one episode! But it had so much potential!

So let's get started according to the motto 'Be careful what you wish for…'

* * *

 **Team Astrid**

 **Dear Diary**

Today Hiccup and I had a fight… Our first real one, I guess… It's… I feel horrible… We talked about how to continue in our relationship. You see… This is a mess, really… Being with him is wonderful. It feels good and right and I don't want to imagine a life without him. But I do… It keeps popping up in my mind that, maybe, I'm not the right one for him.

It's not like there's someone else around if it's that what you think… It's just… I can't give him what he wants, what he needs. I just don't know how…

I carried these thoughts with me for weeks now. I haven't told you before because… because I can't even put it in words. It's so awkward… I just… don't know _how_ to be with him. No one ever told me…

You know me. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to become a warrior, even before Uncle Finn died. Female warriors are not unheard of but they are rare, indeed. My mother was one in her youth but aside from her I don't know any. Heather was forced into this life and Ruff's just following her brother, really…

There was a time, years ago… These days it appears in an altogether different light. I remember times I spend in the great hall, during meals or feast. There were these groups of older girls and young women that talked in hushed voices. Giggling they would tell each other about the times they spend with their boyfriend, betrothed or husband. Every so often younger girls accompanied them, listening and learning. I was never one of them. None ever thought of inviting me, me the strange warrior girl.

My mother told me the basics … But there's still so much I have absolutely no idea of. And I can't ask Hiccup… It's far too embarrassing. I'm supposed to know these things! And then I don't think that _he_ would know…

You know… being close to him is… overwhelming! I can't keep a straight thought whenever he's touching me, even slightly. I feel like I'm dreaming whenever he kisses me, floating weightlessly through endless clouds. And that's the point! I have absolutely no control anymore. I just know where it might lead us without knowing how to prevent it.

I mean, there are ways, right? It's not like every married woman, and the occasional unmarried, too, is pregnant all the time… there must be ways to prevent it… If only anyone ever told me… Maybe I wouldn't be so frightened these days whenever Hiccup and I are alone… Because I want to be with him! I want to be close to him and even want to… but…

We wanted to talk tonight. Really talk! That was Hiccup's idea, of course. I didn't see the point in the first place. I want him and he wants me. That's not going to change by mere talking… And the rest is not debatable. Neither he nor I want to return to Berk permanently right now in order to care for a child.

Even breaking up wouldn't be a solution. I actually thought about it, which probably shows how desperate I am. But it wouldn't change anything. We would still see each other every day, would have to talk and work together. And since we now know about each other's feelings… No, that wouldn't help. And then it's not what I want anyway.

So, we talked… And Hiccup came up with another 'solution' as he called it. I'd rather call it absurd. Or insane. And totally unfair to everyone involved.

He suggested we should just 'risk it'. Well, actually he stammered about for what must have been several minutes until I finally understood what he meant… The bottom line was that we should 'give in to the tension between us for the greater good'. Can you believe that? And in case we would get a child he suggested that our families could take care of it for a while. Which is where the unfair part begins...

I mean… Sure, it's not uncommon. In fact it would be rather strange if we would do it all on our own. It wouldn't even start much gossip if my family were to take care of my baby especially when Hiccup acknowledges paternity. Stoick would probably want his share, too… But I don't want to burden my family with something like that! They have enough to stem since a few family members from other islands decided to settle on Berk. Additionally I wouldn't want to abandon my child just like that. It would be unwanted right now and I fear that's not something one forgets.

And then… I might not be ready to be a mother now… But If I were to get a child… I want to be there for it. I wouldn't give it away. That's not how I would want it!

But… This tension between us becomes close to unbearable. Sometimes just being in the same room is enough for us to become unable to think straight. It starts to affect our daily life and that might become dangerous. We have to do _something_!

…

Writing all this down really helped me a lot. In a way Hiccup's idea is actually not unlike what I already thought myself. Not every night a couple spends together, well like that, ends in her becoming pregnant. But where Hiccup would simply _risk it_ I have to learn more about it first. Maybe…this might be the only valid solution to this mess. But I have to get back to Berk first. I have to talk to my mother, ask her… Uh, this is going to be awkward… But I don't see any other way. This is, after all, not just about me andHiccup. It's about our entire life at the Edge and about my family…

I… probably have to apologize to Hiccup… I yelled at him pretty badly earlier and… that wasn't fair to him. After all, his plan probably _is_ the only solution… Actually… I'll do it right now!

* * *

 _I stand in front of Hiccup's hut and try to gather my courage. I walked here instead of flying in order to give me more time but apparently it wasn't enough. But I have to talk to him. I won't be able to sleep anyway. I take a deep breath and knock._

 _And wait._

 _Nothing._

 _I knock again, louder this time. Could it be that he's actually sleeping? Again, no reaction. I take a look around but can't see anyone. I can hear laughter from the training ring though. I open the entrance to his hut and hastily step inside before I close it again. It is dark in here. I wait for my eyes to adjust then walk over to the stairs. There's no light above as well and it's quiet, too. Too quiet actually for a sleeping dragon. And sure enough Hiccup's bedchamber is empty. I slump down inwardly. I should have known Hiccup would go for a flight after our fight._

 _So, it's going to be the hard way… I sneak back out and over towards the stables. The others are still joking around in the ring. I can even hear the stupid chicken clucking. When I reach Stormfly's box she's already awake. 'Hey there' I whisper and scratch her neck. 'Are you up to a flight through the dark?' She croaks enthusiastically. I get her saddle and lead her out of the stables before any of the other dragons awake as well._

 _After Stormfly is airborne I start to think about where to look for Hiccup. He could be anywhere, really, and if he doesn't want to be found… A spark of hope flares up inside me and I steer towards our Glowing Cave but find it empty. Just like his favorite cliff or any other place I can think of. I let Stormfly fly on her own now, disappointed. Apparently I have to wait until tomorrow. There's one last thing to try though._

 _'Stormfly? Where's Toothless?' I ask and sure enough Stormfly croaks and changes direction. I don't know what it is… But Stormfly is really good at finding Toothless. It doesn't take long until she caws a greeting into the night. I don't see them but I'm sure they saw us. Now it is up to Hiccup… I let Stormfly land on a nearby cliff, dismount and wait. Either Hiccup would talk to me again then he'll find me here soon enough. Or he won't then I have no chance to reach him at all. Stormfly might be good in finding Toothless but catching him is another thing altogether._

 _While I stand at the cliff's edge, arms crossed, I watch the sea ahead of me. It's fairly calm since there is no wind to speak of and it's a warm night, too, summer is reaching even this far island. And jet I'm shaking all over. I'm shaking with fear and anticipation. I'm not sure how to fix this mess…_

 _I rather feel then hear Toothless soaring to the cliff for there's suddenly a breeze caressing my skin. I can practically feel the tension building, too. The clinking of metal on stone sends little shivering waves through my body. Hiccup stops a step or two behind me and I can feel his gaze resting on me, waiting. I tighten my arms around my chest and turn towards him. He looks just as worn out as I feel. I know it's for me to start but it's hard…_

 _'I'm so sorry!' I whisper and feel a lump rising in my throat. I have to say more, explain what made me so angry, but I can't. Instead I feel a tear running down my cheek. Dammit, I hate crying. I wipe it away hastily._

 _Hiccup makes the last step toward me and takes me in his arms. 'Me too.' He whispers in a rough voice. 'I had no idea you would react that strongly…' he trails off. I understand the unspoken question. Why did I do it… With his arms around me I feel more courageous. Not having to look him in the eyes helps, too. But it's still hard to describe. I have to try it nonetheless._

 _'It… just doesn't feel right to simply…risk it.' I shake my head against his chest. 'It would be utterly unfair to us, our child and our families as well. I just can't be that irresponsible. Can you?'_

 _I can feel him swallow. 'I guess not' he admits reluctantly. 'But what else is there?'_

 _I take a deep breath and retreat enough for me to look him in the eyes after all. 'There are a few things I have to sort out. Maybe… hopefully the risk can be minimized…' I don't know how to say this. But apparently there's no need to. Hiccup nods with a small smile. 'Okay' he says simply._

 _And just like that our fight is over. This understanding between us still works and I'm grateful for it. I lean against him again, not hiding now but rather savoring._

 _After what seems to me like just a few moments Hiccup releases me though and gestures back to our dragons. 'Let's get back to the Edge. It's getting late and actually I really wanted to do a small night patrol. I told the others I would be right back. They're probably wondering what takes me so long.'_

 _'Hardly' I snort. 'It's more likely that they're doing some stupid nonsense as long as they know you're not there…'_

 _And I'm right of course. While flying back to the Edge I notice none of the Night Terrors are at their positions._

 **Dear Diary**

A Terror just arrived from Berk. They got attacked but apparently no one got seriously hurt. Yet Stoick ordered us back nonetheless. We'll fly there as soon as possible. The others need a few minutes to gather their things and wake their dragons. That gives me a little time…

As horrible as it is Berk got attacked… It gives me the chance to talk to my mother only an hour after I decided to do so. Because of this I'll bring you. In case I have to take notes… or something…

* * *

 _When we arrive on Berk I'm relieved to see most houses are still standing. Apparently Dagur just fired a few catapults and fled, like the coward he is, before anyone could react. We're probably going to lend a helping hand in rebuilding the damaged houses and be off after Dagur in no time. I have to find a chance to talk to my mother in private. Sneaking away during our work maybe…_

 _'Astrid?' Stoick suddenly addresses me and pulls me out of my thoughts. What can he want from me? 'One of them was your parent's house.' He continues._

 _One of them? One of what? - Shocked I search the village again for the familiar roof, but it's gone. I nudge Stormfly and leave the others behind, not listening to what Stoick shouts after me._

 _I already know what I will find. And jet when I dismount Stormfly and stand before the ruins of our house I refuse to believe what I see._

 _The house is gone. A few burned beams, that's all what's left of the house I grew up in. Everything else is destroyed. Furniture, belongings… my family! What happened –_

 _'Relax lass, your parents are fine.' A heavily singed Gobber approaches me, tries to calm me, 'They were out at the yak races' He informs me. My whole body starts to shake and I cross my arms to hide it. I barely realize Gobber keeps on talking. It doesn't matter anyway. How easily they could have been hurt. Could have been killed even, just like that. 'If they had been home, Gobber…' I start, but he interrupts me soothingly. His words don't register in my mind however._

 _I knew Berk got attacked! Why didn't it even occur to me that my family could be affected as well? All I thought about during our daylong flight was Hiccup and how to proceed… Am I really this self-absorbed? I look once more at our destroyed home then turn back to Stormfly only to bump into something solid after one step. Hiccup stood right behind me and now takes me in his arms comfortingly._

 _I can't bear it right now! Because of him I practically forgot my family. It fells almost like a betrayal. I push him aside, not looking at him. 'My family' I mumble and hurry past him toward Stormfly._

 _I find my parents in the Great Hall where everyone stays for a time who lost his house. Seeing so many people here is strange though up until four years ago it was nothing unusual to have several people here at any time. That changed after Hiccup…_

 _I shake my head. I don't want to think about him right now._

 _I approach my father who stands nearest to the entrance and tap him on the bag. He turns and his eyes widen before he take me into a bear hug. 'Astrid! Oh, it's good to see you, lass.' He shouts and before I can answer I'm surrounded by my family. My mother is the next to hug me and I return it wholeheartedly. 'For how long have you been here?' she asks. 'We would have greeted you earlier, if…' she trails off, sorrow in her eyes._

 _'It's alright, mom.' I reassure her. 'We just arrived. I came here immediately, after… ' I swallow. My Mother pats my cheek. 'So you already know…' She says wistfully. I nod._

 _'Ah, it's just a house. We will rebuild it in no time. Make it better even.' My father interjects with a grin. 'There have been things in that house I wanted to change for ages. Now I finally get my chance!' I smile at my father's cheerfulness. He never lost his good mood not even in the direst of circumstances. And it's true he really wanted to rebuild the house anyway. He almost got angry that our house was one of the few that never got burned down by dragons during their raids all these years ago._

 _Still smiling I look around into the familiar faces. My aunt Helka is there and I can see her husband playing with their three sons in the back of the hall. There are others, too. Faces I've seen before occasionally but have no names for. So many members of House Hofferson gathered on the peaceful island of Berk. They all could be dead now…_

 _But I have no time to follow this line of thoughts for long for I hear a squeal and a moment later two delicate arms are around my neck, hugging me. 'Astrid! You're here! Oh, it's so good to finally see you! I missed you only by days the last time you were here, I was so disappointed. You missed the.. oh, never mind. You're here!'_

 _For a moment I'm stunned as to this amount of affection and words alike. But then I recognize the voice and chuckle. 'Hey, Thyra. Didn't know, you're on Berk now, too.' I state, pushing my cousin back a little in order to look at her. She's a year older than me but also a head shorter. Her slim figure and brown eyes reveal nothing of her energetic character. I always liked her although we only met occasionally and she never understood my obsession with sharp edges as she called it._

 _'Yeah, Berk is easily the best place to raise a family these days, so we decided to settle here, too.' She blushes slightly at these words but still grins at me. I stare at her dumbfounded. 'You-' Is all I get out before my father interferes. 'Right, our little Thyra got married a few weeks ago. As far as we were informed you guys were quite busy at your Dragon's Edge and Chief Grumpy wouldn't let us send for you…' He scratches his neck. 'But then, weddings are for the newly married couple, for the old ones to remember and for the lovers to get ideas.' He winks at me. 'Where's Hiccup, by the way?'_

 _I blush deep scarlet. 'Dad!' I shout. 'How many times do I have to tell you? We're just friends!' The lie gets easily off my lips. We used to have this conversation for so many times back when it was still true. It's almost a reflex.._

 _Thyra studies me with a scrutinizing look. 'Hiccup?' She asks. 'Isn't that the scrawny wimp that worked in the forge? The one you disliked so much?' My father guffaws and slaps me on the back. 'That's who I was talking about. Only he's the reason even you are here, lassie.' He winks at Thyra and leaves us to talk on our own._

 _'Hiccup?' Thyra asks again, an eyebrow raised._

 _I sigh. 'It's a long story. You heard about Berks Mighty Dragon Master, I guess?'_

* * *

 _'Thanks guys, this is kind of nice.' I say before everyone else falls asleep soon. I sit next to Stormfly and already know I won't be able to sleep tonight. This day was a horribly long one but I have too much on my mind. I think about taking out my Diary but decide against it. The others are all fast asleep but it still doesn't feel right to reveal it. I have to sort through my thoughts on my own._

 _I don't know where to start… I feel horrible for not thinking about my family earlier. I know that it would not have changed anything but to me it makes a difference. The Terrors mail told us no one was seriously hurt but still… Things could have been differently. What if the attack didn't happen on the day of the yak races? What if anyone would have stayed for some duty or other? My parents could be dead! Aunt Helka could be or even Thyra…_

 _Thyra and I went for a long walk after we met in the Great Hall. Apparently she along with most other new settlers on Berk didn't know exactly how our peace with the dragons came to pass. No one outside of Berk knows about Hiccup and all the great things he did. I know it's in part because he himself wants it this way. And it's in part because it's safer for him. But I was still hurt on his behalf._

 _So I told her starting with Hiccup, Toothless and the Red Death. After I finished with a description of the Edge Thyra smiled knowingly and simply stated 'So, you love him.' Thyra really is a kind of woman I'll never be, drawing this of all conclusions out of my lengthy description. I tried to deny it but she didn't believe me. It's probably my fault. Maybe I was a little too eager describing all the things he accomplished._

 _Hiccup is another matter…The way I treated him today, avoiding him as much as I could and being short with him when I couldn't… I know it is not his fault I didn't think of my family earlier. He might have been the reason but he's not to blame. By voiding him I punishing myself but it's not fair to him nonetheless._

 _And then there is Berk… Today I often thought about what Hiccup said to me a while ago. That he wished for more Berkians to have their own dragons so they would be saver. This attack proved how right he was, again._

 _I can't keep sitting still like this anymore so I get up and wander towards the village. If there had been more Dragon Riders on Berk this attack might have never happened. Stoick and Skullcrusher can't keep the island save on their own at any time. Stoick knew that, too. In the end that's why he offered me the position in the Berk Guard, right? I should have been here to protect Berk! It was my duty to the people of Berk and what did I do instead? Flying off following Hiccup into adventures and fun. And yet I know I would do it again! I would follow him anywhere…_

 _I know that it would not have made a big difference if Stormfly and I had been here during the attack. And yet I can't help blaming myself…_

 _Suddenly there's movement behind me and someone speaks. 'Can't sleep, eh?'_

* * *

 _I sit again by Stormfly's side when the sun comes up. There's one thing Stoick said last night… D_ o everything you can to make sure you never feel it again! _I know I never liked it when Hiccup told me how similar his Father and I were but now I understand what he meant. I can't change what happened. But I have to prevent it from happening again!_

 _My first instinct is to follow Dagur immediately, to hunt him down and let him pay for what he did. But I realize that's not what I need to do. Even if I can find him today there will be others afterwards. A prosperous place like Berk will always have enemies. No, what I need to do is strengthen Berk's defenses._

 _My heart cramps painfully at this thought. I don't want to leave Hiccup! As difficult as the last weeks were I still want to be with him. I need him in my life. I just can't turn my back on this side of our life at the Edge. Life itself there is great and I don't want to abandon it either. But Hiccup…_

 _No, I have to find another solution. One that leaves Berk with a fairly acceptable defense and allows me to return to the Edge._

 _I look over to where Hiccup sleeps half draped over Toothless. It would probably be funny if I was in another mood. I wish I could snuggle up to him and forget everything else for an hour or two at least but I don't dare to do so. Instead I just watch him sleep. I have to apologize to him for yesterday's behavior._

 _A shadow glides through the old arena where we spend the night. I look up just in time to see a Monstrous Nightmare flying past. That's quiet close to the village for the wild dragons to fly by. Unless… These purple scales…Could it be Fanghook?_

 _An idea begins to form in my head. It would be difficult and annoying at best but it could work. It also would provide just the amount of safety Berk needs._

 _While the sun gets higher I plan it all out in my head. By the time the others awake it's all decided. I'm finally halfway in to dozing off when I hear Hiccup's voice by my side._

 _'Hey' he greets me carefully. 'You got any sleep last night?' he asks, barely concealing his worry. It comforts me to know he's not the unforgiving type._

 _'Ah, spent most of the night thinking…' I confess and reward him with a small smile. His eyes brighten slightly. 'So, you're not mad anymore?' he asks, watching me carefully._

 _I blink in surprise and then shake my head slightly. I gaze downward, not meeting his eyes. 'I… wasn't mad, at least not at you.' I look up again trying to convey more through looks then words. 'I'm sorry for how I treated you yesterday. I just had a lot on my mind. And…' I trail off, not knowing what else to say with the others around. Hiccup smiles knowingly 'It's alright. I'm just glad you're talking to me again.' I smile and give him a light punch on the shoulder._

 _'Well, we're wings up in an hour. Let me help you with your gear.' Hiccup says and I start to fell awful again. What I have to tell him now will hurt him and I can't explain it to him, not right now at least. I only hope I'll get the chance to talk to him later._

 _'Hiccup, I've made a decision. I'm not going back to Dragon's Edge. I'm staying here, on Berk.'_

 **Dear Diary**

Just as I thought the revelation of my plan caused some kind of uproar. I wish I could forget the look in Hiccup's face… Shock, hurt, betrayal and… I don't know… fear? I tried to put on a good show so no one would see how it hit me… But luckily all worked out pretty well, thanks to Hiccup of course…

He rescheduled the plans for the Dagur Hunt which gave me enough time to talk to him in private. I told him that I'm not planning to stay on Berk permanently, that I'll return once the new Dragon Riders are ready. I told him that I need to do this for my own peace of mind.

I'm glad he'll stay on Berk, too, for a few days at least. I boasted to do it all on my own… But actually I'm not quite as confident… By Odin, I don't even know if there are any Berkians who want to become Riders, except for Gustav of course. I guess I'll see… Hiccup and the others wanted to ask around while I caught up on some sleep just now.

Hiccup offered me his old sleeping chamber since the Haddock House would be deserted all day anyway. It's strange being in here… I've been here before occasionally and it always held some allurement for me. I hoped, dreamed, wished to spend more time here, to sleep in this very bed. Now this room is empty. It's empty of belongings since Hiccup took almost everything of personal value to the Edge. But it's more, somehow. Without Hiccup this room… just a room, I guess. I feel lonely…

It's probably not just this empty room but it brings forth all these feelings I suppressed during the past weeks. I miss Hiccup, almost painfully. But it's more than just that. I miss the simplicity and playfulness of our relationship, even our friendship before. I hate this wall between us, the one I built from fear and ignorance.

* * *

 _I stare at the last words I wrote. Fear and ignorance… That reminds me of why I was so eager to get to Berk in the first place. But I don't dare to think about this. I still feel too guilty for forgetting my family._

 _I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself. It's already past noon and it's time to gather my things and return to the arena. After stowing away my diary I put my pauldrons back on and lace my cuffs anew. I'm still trying to compose myself while putting on my boots when I hear some noise coming from downstairs or more accurately from the front door. I perk my head up anxiously and listen. Please don't let it be Hiccup. Please let it be Hiccup…_

 _'Hey sleepyhead! Time to start working.' I hear the intruder's call and slump down a bit. I'm not sure whether it's in relief or anguish though. A moment later the hilarious helmet and greasy blond hair of Ruffnut appears at the stairs. 'Whoa, you're awake already? So walking here really was a waste of time…' she grumbles and turns back down again. I follow her a little puzzled. 'You came to get me?' I ask. 'Why?'_

 _She turns and glares at me. 'What do you think? Because our Great Dragon Master ordered me to do so!' She snarls and sizes me up. 'Trouble in paradise, eh? Sort it out, will ya? I'm no errand girl…' I stare after her, bewildered, as she leaves the house. I shake my head and follow her after I'm sure she's gone far enough. I really don't want to deal with her and what she thinks…._

 **Dear Diary**

These first two days of my training with the new Dragon Riders are over and I'll try to be objective about it… No one died yet and after I scared away the first few the remaining six seem enthusiastic enough.

To be honest I was a little shocked at first when I realized how dump and clumsy and inapt they all are occasionally. Aside from Spitelout none of them are even warriors and he surely is insufferable in his own way. Imagining Gothi on a dragon is cute somehow but then I remember that she's supposed to defend Berk. That's hilarious! Gustav is by far the most accomplished of my pupils which says a lot…

Well, I simply have to go on, I guess. Hopefully they'll grow with their tasks. Tomorrow I'll allot their dragons. Let's hope no one gets eaten.

Ah, but this is not why I'm writing to you… It is, of course, because of Hiccup… I avoided him as much as possible during the past days. I just don't know how to deal with him right now! I love him so much, it hurts almost physically not to be with him, to touch or talk to him. And that's why I won't allow me being near him right now. I still feel guilty for not caring about my family at all and won't allow any distraction until I'm positive they will be safe.

Well, that was my plan at least… Hiccup spends almost all his time patrolling as he promised. He didn't interfere with my training and didn't even spend much time watching us as so many others did. That makes the training bearable. Only at the end of every day he shows up and that's when my concentration goes up and away.

I want to go to him. I want him to take me in his arms and kiss me. I want to snuggle up to him, feel his body heat and smell the wind in his hair. But I cannot. Not, until my task here on Berk is done.

But circumstances are not in my favor… My parents and Aunt Helka along with her family found shelter in the neighbors' spare rooms until their own house is ready. Thyra offered me their spare room as long as I'm staying on Berk. It's already furnished with a crib, in anticipation, I guess. I made myself comfortable with some furs and blankets on the flour and that's enough, really. I'm used to not sleep in beds after all. No, the accommodation is alright. What make it hard to concentrate are the nocturnal activities of my housemates… Thyra and her husband Carr are barely past their honeymoon and I can hear them, muffled through several walls, but still…

It's so embarrassing and I'm glad they like to sleep in so I'm long gone before they get up in the morning. And though the nights are horribly awkward they also make me curious.

Argh, I must not think of anything like this! First the training, everything else must wait!

* * *

 _I stretch and rub my forehead as I watch my pupils leave the arena. Their training goes alright so far. We worked with real dragons today and still, no one died…_

 _With a sigh I turn and start to clean up the arena. I can hear footsteps though and know it is Hiccup. The metallic clinking would have given him away but I already spotted him earlier, watching the training. I don't turn and keep working. I still don't know what to say or how to explain it to him. He stands there for a while only a few steps away. I can feel his gaze upon me like a burning touch._

 _Eventually he gives up though and steps closer. He places his hand on my back and I tense slightly, longingly. 'Astrid?' he asks and his voice sends tiny shivering waves through my entire body. This is insane! Why do I keep punishing me and him likewise for something that's actually not that big a thing? When I don't retreat Hiccup reaches out to caress my arm, leaving a burning trace where he touched me. I close my eyes, enjoying the sensation despite everything. A moment later I turn though, eventually retreating nonetheless._

 _'Hey!' I greet him lightly. 'Any signs of Dagur?' He scrutinizes me and I can see his hands balling into fists at his side. But when he answers his voice is calm. 'No, none' I nod and turn to pick up a broom. He follows me as I carry it to where the others are stashed but when I turn again to get another one he grabs my hand, stopping me. His hand is shaking slightly. I turn my face away from him and close my eyes. I never wanted him to suffer or feel bad because of me. There's an awkward moment of silence between us before he speaks._

 _'Will you come tonight?' he asks quietly. 'To the feast I mean. It's mainly for you after all…' Uhg, the feast… Stoick decided to have a feast tonight to celebrate the new Riders-to-be and to thank me for training them._

 _'Well, I have to go then, haven't I?' I admit in a small voice. I don't want to go. I want to curl up into a ball somewhere and be miserable._

 _'Let's go then. The clearance surely can wait until tomorrow, right?'' He offers me his arm chivalrously and I take it hesitantly. We walk like this in silence until we reach the first houses of the village. There I retreat my arm out of his and put a little more distance between us. He rolls his eyes at me but doesn't say anything._

 _'There you are!' a booming voice calls from behind us. Spitelout appears and puts his arm around my shoulder. 'I almost thought you wouldn't show up, lass. Let's celebrate your great training tonight!' I see Hiccup freeze and I, too, tense all over due to this inappropriate familiar gesture. I turn to free myself, hard pressed to not rip off his arm. It's obvious where Snotlout got his insufferable behavior from. But the big Jorgenson patriarch doesn't seem to notice. He keeps on walking toward the Great Hall, bawling._

 _Hiccup stares after him then shakes his head. 'That's enough!' he exclaims, grabs my hand and pulls me into a narrow alley between two houses. When we reach the house's shadow he stops, turns toward me and pushes my back against the wooden wall. 'You will talk to me. Now!' he says, his voice calm and serious but I recognize a barely concealed fire burning beneath. I look up into his intense green eyes and swallow. I move my lips but can't bring forth a word._

 _When I don't speak Hiccup keeps on talking and there's undeniable hurt in his voice now. 'See, if I did anything to upset you then I'm sorry! I… actually have no idea what it might have been which is probably why you're mad but whatever is was I never meant to hurt you in any way, I assure you!' He's completely keyed up I realize, just like me._

 _I lift my hand and place it on his cheek, comforting him and he immediately leans into the touch. 'Hiccup, I told you I'm not mad at you.' His eyes harden at these words so I have to confess more, probably everything. It's always everything with Hiccup…_

 _I sigh and bow my head, resting it against his chest, my hand dropping on his shoulder. 'I'm mad at myself!' I admit and already feel the self-loathing rise again inside me. 'It's because of my family. You know, I almost… for you, I mean...I must not…' I'm stammering. I shut up and try anew after taking a deep breath. 'I have to keep them save, Hiccup! I couldn't life with myself if anything where to happen to them, when it was my responsibility…' I trail off, still hiding my face against his tunic. For a few moments there's an almost awkward silence between us. When Hiccup finally talks again, his voice still is full of sadness._

 _'Your family… They won't approve of me. I mean, of us… will they?' he says and I finally look up at him again, bewildered. 'What? No! I mean, yes, of course they will! But that's not – ' My assurance is interrupted by yet another group of bawling Vikings passing the entrance to this narrow alley._

 _Hiccup jerks his head around reflexively and, probably in an attempt to further melt with the shadows, steps closer to the wall. Closer to me. My heart starts racing as his body presses against mine. He's so close that when I inhale his scent of wind and sunshine begins to cloud my mind. Even in the dimming light I can see every stubble on his chin right before me. Without consciously deciding to do so I stretch and place my lips on his skin. Hiccup freezes. 'Wha-?' he starts and turns toward me again where his lips meet mine. Sweet relief washes through me as he actually starts to kiss me back, leaning even closer toward me. His tough glides over my lower lip and I open my mouth. I tremble slightly when Hiccup first cups my cheek, then lets his hand wander down, caressing my neck and finally entangles his finger in the hair at the nape of my neck. My hands are on his hips, trying to pull him even closer. It's all I can think. More. Closer._ More! _I missed him so much. With quick fingers I loosen the belt around his tunic and let my hands glide beneath it. He makes a beautiful gasping noise against my lips and I can't help but smile a little. My hands caress the skin over his flat stomach, his chest, down his spine and along the line above his pants. He stops kissing me and has a strange look on his face, eyes closed and lips slightly open. I trail a line of soft kisses along his chin and down his neck._

 _'Astrid… What—ggnnnhh' he tries but interrupts himself with a low groan when my hands find an especially sensitive spot. I can feel him tremble beneath my fingers and smile again._ I want him _is all I can think. I keep teasing him when he huffs out a question between strained breaths 'So, did you… sort out... your… things?' Hiccup asks._

 _I try to understand his question while nuzzling his neck. My mind is too confused, my thoughts too clouded… There is a meaning behind this, I'm sure…_

 _I freeze._

 _Dammit!_

 **Dear Diary**

What a mess! I'm so stupid!

Thank Odin I finally escaped this horrible, horrible feast! And everything attached to it…

It was humiliating. Everything! Stoick's speech, all these people and Hiccup watching me from the background. There was no accusation in his eyes although I really would've deserved it. Just his kindness and understanding and a little sadness overshadowed by a glassy shimmer. He stayed there at this table the whole time. Sometimes someone approached him but his answers were probably too monosyllabic for a conversation or even courtesy. His eyes almost never left me. I know this, because I looked at him, too, even so I tried to do it in a more covert way.

All these people surrounding me… Maybe I could have enjoyed it under different circumstances but tonight it was horrible. I wasn't able to concentrate, to listen to what they were telling me. Their faces and voiced blurred into a noisy ocean and I was about to drown in it. Or so it seemed to me at least.

Eventually my mother pulled me out of it, shooing away anyone who approached me. I know she probably had some questions, too, but kept them to herself leaving me in peace. I'm really grateful to her. And Thyra, too, who sat across me, examining me with a thoughtful gaze.

And I'm not sure I even want to think about what happened before… I never thought one could get withdrawal symptoms from staying away from someone but apparently _I_ can. That's the only explanation I can come up with at least for what happened. I mean… We were practically making out right there in the open for everyone to see. I was so desperate for every single one of Hiccups touches and kisses that nothing else mattered anymore. Not even the caution about how far we go and certainly not the surroundings. Maybe the strain of the past days added to it, too, but still… Nothing excuses my behavior…

* * *

 _Hiccup is wrong!_

 _I'm not overly tough on my Dragon Rider pupils! Am I…?_

 _I look up just in time to see black wings disappear behind a cliff. My heart clenches at the thought of Hiccup leaving. But then, he'll be back in a few days. Maybe these days without him around bring back some perspective…_

 _'I'm… done…' Spitelout huffs as he gets up from his twenty push-ups. 'May I… erm… leave then?' he asks almost submissively and I nod. I watch him leave the arena hurriedly and sigh. Maybe I really was a bit tough on them today. Yesterday's bad mood wasn't entirely gone this morning and the memories of the alley and the feast kept popping up in my mind the whole day._

 _Am I really stalling as Hiccup implied? If so, then not for the reasons he mentioned… It's not that I want to stay on Berk as long as possible to protect my family. I already know that I won't be able to do so, knew it from the beginning. But I have to make sure they get the best protection possible._

 _But maybe… That was probably not all Hiccup implied._ We both know what's going on here _he said… I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about my family in that moment… I shiver slightly and cross my arms while watching the clouds above me. Am I stalling to keep my distance from Hiccup? Maybe. I'm still no smarter than I was back at the Edge when it comes to our relationship. What happened in the alley yesterday and Hiccups question brought it all back up again. I wanted to talk to my mother but there was way too much chaos for that during the past days. Maybe I'll get the chance to do so until Hiccup returns. I have to or I fear I might lose him to my fears._

 _I clean up the arena and then mount Stormfly for a little flight. We had way too few of these lately. I let her pick her path and she croaks happily as we soar up into the sky and I squeak in delight, too. Feeling the wind in my hair again is great. We fly higher and higher until Stormfly changes direction and we plummet in a nosedive towards the ocean. I scream and laugh as she stretches her wings and we glide horizontal again, almost skimming the ocean's surface. Then she get's higher again and we glide calmly toward the setting sun. I have an almost painful déjà vu as clouds in pink and orange surround us and feel a tear running down my cheek. I stir Stormfly back to the ground and lead her to one of the dragon's feeding grounds near the village. I make a decision while I watch her eat._

 _I walk over to where my parents are staying these days and already can hear my mother's voice as she scolds someone. I feel sorry for whoever made her this mad. I knock as a warning then open the door and enter the house. My mother looks up and a warm smile covers her former upset expression. 'Astrid, dear, it's good to see you! Are you alright? You seemed so strained yesterday. Did you get some rest? This training must be exhausting! I don't understand why none of the other Riders offered you any help with this. I thought Hiccup at least would help you since he stayed on Berk anyway. But he –' I interrupt my mother's tirade by holding up a hand and putting on a hopefully convincing smile. 'I'm alright, mom' I try to appease her. 'Just a little tired and worn out. With all that happened lately…' I trail off as my gaze falls on my father sitting on a stool behind my mother. He waves at me with a sheepish grin and I realize it was him my mother yelled at earlier. A true smile spreads over my face and I cross my arms challenging. 'What has he done this time?' I ask with the first real humor in weeks._

 _'Ah, it's nothing…' My father tries but my mother cuts him of. 'He injured his hand!' she states angrily. 'And not even while rebuilding our house, no!' My father shrinks beneath her glare and I feel really sorry for him._

 _'So?' I ask when neither tells me what happened. My mother just keeps glaring and my father fidgets before talking again. 'I…fell.' He admits. 'Ahm… from the table… yesterday. Had to drink when it was in honor of my little girl, right?' I stare at him for a moment before I burst out laughing. This is so typical for my dad._

 _I watch my mother as she patches his hand up. Apparently he landed in the broken shards of a dish and cut open half his arm. I get a bit melancholic as I watch them fool around with each other. And I realize that I really can't keep them from all harm. I smile wistfully to myself. I really am stupid… I get up from the bench I sat on, bid them farewell and leave the house. I don't see how I can talk in private to my mother right now. So I'll try anew tomorrow._

 _I walk through the dark village. It's quite early and many people are still up and about but fortunately no one takes notice of me. While walking over to Thyra's house I keep thinking. I really should build in more progress in my training. They probably won't have to actually fight in the near future so I'll show them the basics and let them train further on their own. I'll have to ask Stoick to keep an eye on them though…_

 _When I reach the house it is quiet inside. Are Thyra and Carr already sleeping? That would be quite unusually. I carefully open the door, making an effort to be as silent as possible but when I look inside I realize that was unnecessary. Thyra sits at the hearth wrapped in a thick blanket. She looks up as she hears me and a relieved smile spreads over her face._

 _'There you are!' She exclaims and struggles to get up. I walk over to her and sit down next to her before she's done. 'Is everything alright?' I ask. 'Where's Carr?' Did he got hurt, too, without me knowing? But Thyra waves a hand dismissively. 'Yeah, everything's fine. I send him on an errand. I wanted to talk to you.' She shoots me a meaningful look and suddenly I feel uncomfortable. What would she want to talk to me about? Knowing Thyra I'll know it all too soon._

 _'Astrid…' She starts, rather hesitant. I fidget nervously. This will probably be awful… 'I… watched you these days.' She continues. 'and I'm a little worried, really… It was obvious to me when you filled me in the other day that you totally fell for Hiccup. And I'm pretty sure it's the same for him, judging by the way he looks at you. I didn't thought about it much since both of you insist upon being friends but thenI watched the two of you at yesterday's feast. I thought you would tear each other's cloths off then and there by the looks you threw each other... But you also looked so miserable, and... Are you alright?'_

 _I buried my face in my hands while she kept talking and let out a groan when it became unbearable._

 _'Do we really have to talk about this?' I ask, my words muffled by my own hands. There is a moment of silence before she states 'Yes!' in a determined voice. I look up at her and find her staring resolutely at me. I sigh. 'Why?' I ask in an almost whiny voice._

 _'Because I like you!' she exclaims. 'You're strong and courageous and everything I sometimes wished I could be, too. But you've never been good at being a girl.' She looks indicatively at my pauldrons and my axe, that's leaning against the wall by the door. I follow her gaze with narrowed eyes. 'So?' I ask, not without reluctance in my voice._

 _'So I figured you need some help. At being a girl for once, I mean.' She beams at me as I stare at her incredulously. 'I AM a girl!' I point out after a moment, but she just shakes her head. 'You know, what I mean! You never behaved like a girl. Even when we were playing as kids you would always take the warrior parts, the male parts.' She pauses, watching me intently and I have to look away.. 'See, if you really think you and your Dragon Master are alright then look at me and say so. I won't bother you ever again.' Thyra waits._

 _I have to say it. She'll drop it and leave me in peace. I mentally prepare myself for the lie I'm going to tell her… and hesitate. Because I realize that, maybe, she really can help me._

 _I look up at her and she must see something in the way I gaze at her wondering because a kind smile spreads over her face._

 _'So, tell me what it is that has you keyed up like that.' She orders and I obey._

 **Dear Diary**

There's not all that much time left until dawn but I have to write to you before I'll be able to get any sleep tonight. You know… I wanted to talk to my mother today. I dreaded the thought of talking to her about… this stuff. Even mentioning it to her would have been awfully awkward let alone having a full conversation. I'm glad that in the end this wasn't necessary.

I talked to Thyra instead which was painfully awkward, too, but bearable nonetheless. And there really is a lot she could teach me… There is one thing in particular that settled my worries. She called it fertility cycle and it's probably the answer I sought after. So there really are ways to prevent becoming pregnant, or make it less likely at least. And then she also told me of other ways to… be together. That's the part that was really awkward but also… interesting. I never thought there would be so many possibilities…

Anyway, I'll make some notes to summarize what Thyra told me on the next page and then try to get some sleep after all.

 **Dear Diary**

Today really was the best day I had in a very long time! For once the training of my Dragon Riders went fairly well. I let them try some more advanced exercises and they weren't doing all that bad. Maybe I really was too tough on them during the last days and maybe it really was because I was stalling. Or maybe it is just that now I _want_ them to succeed. I want them to be ready when Hiccup returns from Dragon's Edge which will be tomorrow hopefully.

There are so many things… Thyra really is quite imaginative and a few of her… ehm… methods made me pretty curious. Tonight she kept teaching me only more detailed then the night before. When Carr came home and found us still talking I was unable to look at him for all the embarrassing details Thyra just told me. But then it was also pretty funny to watch him going to sleep on his own grumbling while Thyra still stayed with me for some time.

I really hope, Hiccup will be back tomorrow. I know Toothless can make it to the Edge and back again in less than two days.

 **Dear Diary**

Hiccup did not arrive yet. He really could do so at any moment now and I'm reluctant to go to bed because of it. I spend many hours patrolling the island today, always keeping an eye out for the desired black wings but they were nowhere to be seen.

Ah, well… the others probably got up to something back at the Edge. They had several days to themselves there after all… I just hope my hut is still intact. I really could do without rebuilding it _again_.

I'm really looking forward to returning to the Edge. My pupils are ready to proceed on their own and since I now know more of the things Thyra told me I don't want to pull through another night of their audible activity…

* * *

 _I search the sky for what feels like the billionth time but still Toothless is nowhere to be seen. I sigh and turn back to my pupils. Actually they don't deserve this term anymore but I'm determined to not let them know until I finally leave them to their own devices. If the others really got into mischief back at the Edge, and I'm almost sure by now that that's the case, then Hiccup probably needs some time to fix it. That leaves me with way too much time right now… I already thought about flying back on my own but chances are too high that I might miss Hiccup on his way back._

 _So today I had to come up with some new exercises. I watch Gustav as he draws a circle to the ground with red paint as I ordered him to. He returns the paintbrush back to me and after he got back to his fellow pupil I start to speak to them._

 _'Not all combat is in the air' I state and let the brush audibly fall into the paint to get their undivided attention. 'Today we're going to practice precision landings… – Like that!' I add, as Skullcrusher makes a perfect landing inside the circle._

 _'Astrid!' Stoick calls out and I look up to him sitting on his massive dragon. I talked to him just yesterday about the progress the new Riders were making and that he would have to keep an eye on them after Hiccup returned. Does he want to give it a try now while I'm still here to rectify? But now, a man like our Chief would probably not be rectified willingly by a younger warrior. I do believe he respects me but that doesn't make me his equal._

 _'We just got a Terrible Terror from Hiccup!' He continuous and I can feel my heart leap. Finally! He did not return himself but that's just as well. He probably lets me know that he'll stay at the Edge, maybe asking me to return as well. If so he probably did it reluctantly remembering the way we parted. I feel a giddy joy bubbling up inside me._

 _'Dragon's Edge is under siege by Dagur's fleet.' Stoick finished and the joy I felt a heart beat ago vanishes just like that. What? How can this be possible? How did Dagur find the Edge? But that's not important right now…_

 _'How many ships?' I ask in return letting my warrior instincts kick in. I hurry towards Stormfly after hearing his answer. Too many! But before I can think straight again Spitelout approaches me, followed by Gustav and Gothi. They want to help, too, but I won't let them. They are far too inexperienced as Dragon Riders to take part in a real fighting._

 _'Let's go' I nod towards Stoick and a moment later we're airborne and on our way to the Edge. I finally have time to let what this means sink in. Hiccup and the others are under siege, violently so probably considering Dagur's lack of patience. So that's what got him delayed… I shiver at the thought that Stoick and I could be too late. Hiccup might be fighting for his life at this very moment and I'm not by his side where I should be. I squint in anguish as tears of rage threaten to break through._

 _'Don't blame yourself, lass' Stoick's deep voice cuts into my thoughts like a knife. 'You couldn't possibly have known this would happen.' He tries to sooth me but it has the opposite effect._

 _'Couldn't I?' I yell angrily. 'So I can't even outthink a simpleton like Dagur?' My eyes start stinging but I can't help it right now. 'I thought I was doing the right thing this time! I wanted to make sure I'll never feel it again, this helplessness and guilt. But I just made the same mistake again!' A first tear is running down my cheek and I wipe it away angrily but it's no good. 'I should have been there with him!' I sob and bow my head to hide my face from Stoick._

 _For a moment he simply lets me be miserable but when he talks again his voice is tinted with a concern I never before associated with our Chief. 'And then what? You would be under siege as well. Now we have a chance to break though their ranks, you and I.' This… actually makes sense. I look up surprised only to find a comforting smile on the bearded man's face._

 _He nods at me and we speed up our dragons. Hopefully we won't be too late._

* * *

 _I can feel Hiccup approaching and turn to smile at him briefly before we watch the A-Team disappear in the distance. There hasn't been time to talk even for a moment until now with the siege, the fight and my little speech to my former pupils just now. But now I feel the anticipation rise inside me. I still have to work through the fact that Stoick and I actually made it in time after this Loki-driven race to the Edge._

 _Now it slowly starts to sink in. We warded Dagur off and secured the Edge once more. And Hiccup, along with the others, is safe. I can feel his presence behind me like warm waves rolling over me, washing away all the accumulated anxiety in the process. 'So, you'll really stay at the Edge?' Hiccup asks and I finally turn toward him. 'I… never intended to stay away' I admit hesitantly. 'Not for good, at least.' He rewards me with a warm smile full of love which makes me wish we were already alone. I hastily look around. Aside from Snotlout who's slowly starting to pick himself up nobody's around._

 _I give Hiccup a peck on the lips and whisper 'I love you!' before turning and leaving him standing there, startled._

* * *

Thanks for reading! Please leave a review to let me know what you think of this.

I would really appreciate it. : )


	7. Race to the Edge 2 (Part II)

**Race to the Edge 2 (Part II)**

 **A/N: I had my issues with this… Looking up the maps there is simply NO WAY they could make their trips in the mentioned time span. From Ship's Graveyard to Changewing Island in a few hours? From 'near Breakneck Bog' to Island of Friga in an hour or two or make the whole trip there and back again in one day in the first place? Normally I would have altered the time up to a realistic amount but since they explicitly mention that one day in the episode… Well I have to live with this, I guess. And it's not like this is 'important' for this episode. It simply bothered me very much… xD**

 **And then I wanted to thank the person who asked my friend after this next chapter on fb. That got me really motivated! :)**

 **PS: Listening to 'Stoick's Ship' for hours while letting Astrid (almost) drown was a horrible idea…  
**

* * *

 **Dear Diary**

Life at the Edge is great! On Berk we would be equal adults now with all the rights and duties this status brings about. But here? Here we are free! We're free to do as we chose and I think it's good to be here. It's not about lazily living for the moment but about responsibility and what's important. Everyone has his share of work and if it's not done properly we all have to pay for it. It's not that we can live a life without rules but rather setting our own, understanding them.

It's also a simple life. Hunting and fishing and preparing food, caring for our dragons and maintaining the Edge. Simple needs and simple solutions but it works. I know it this easy because we are so few and hardly in need of greater services like that of a healer, but still… I prefer this life to living on Berk at any time.

Of course I would gladly do without Snotlout and the Twins and even Fishlegs sometimes… Not because I want to be alone with Hiccup but because they apparently don't recognize our needs as such. They live the lazy life at our expense. Oh, it's not like they do _nothing_. Even they understand that they have to do their share to be a part of the gang. But their nets aren't as full, their buildings aren't as solid and their watches aren't as save. Sometimes I wonder how Hiccup can bear this sloppiness. I would give them a good scolding now and then but since he's the one in charge I won't interfere… Which is hard enough, believe me!

This brings me to my favorite reason to write to you… Hiccup! I can't even put it into word how our relationship improved after my nights of talking to Thyra. We returned to spending the nights in our Glowing Cave for the simple reason that no one can hear us there. A few weeks ago I would have been to embarrassed by that fact to admit it but I… we get accustomed to it. I also get used to 'counting the days' as Thyra called it. It was difficult in the beginning. Sometimes I wasn't sure whether I already counted a day or not but I think I got the hang of it. And there really are so many possibilities…

 **Night of the Hunters**

 _When I wake up the Cave it lit with the faint light of early dawn. I can hear Hiccup's low breathing behind me and feel a smile creep on my lips. For a moment I simply enjoy lying here in his arms, skin on skin. I don't dare to turn to watch him sleep since I don't want to wake him but it is tempting. Last night was wonderful again but maybe also a bit… exhausting I guess. Hiccup probably needs his sleep. I suppress a chuckle._

 _I'm not tired anymore and decide to get up. Ever so carefully I escape his embrace inch by inch and hobble over the cold stone floor to where my cloth landed last night. When I'm dressed I walk over to our makeshift bed and eventually watch him for a moment. Hiccup looks so peaceful and relaxed. It is a rare sight since Dagur found the Edge. I place a soft kiss on his forehead before I leave the_ room _and tiptoe past Toothless who sleeps near the entrance, rolled up like the oversized cat he is. One of his earflaps flicks as I pass him and he opens one eye. As he recognizes me he closes it again, shuffles slightly and lies still again. I chuckle silently and hurry past him. When I leave the Cave cool fresh morning air greets me and I inhale deeply. After this night I feel just... happy. Light and relaxed yet also full of energy and ready for whatever awaits me._

 _I call out for Stormfly and it only takes her a few moments to reach me. She was probably hunting down her breakfast nearby. I scratch her neck as a greeting. 'Hey Stormfly' I murmur. 'You're up to a flight simply for fun for once?' She flaps her wings excited and I laugh as I hop onto her back._

 _This flight today is one of the best we did in a very long time! At first we simply soar through the air until we reach an uninhabited island. There Stormfly flies up into the sky and dives down to the ground again and navigates through the forest as if it were child's play. My carefree mood probably adds to it, too, since Stormfly adapts to it and cavorts in her own way. We even try the jumping move we picked from Hiccup years ago and it works perfectly._

 _After what must have been at least an hour of pure giddy fun we rest on a rock near the water's edge. I lean against Stormfly's side, legs outstretched and arms behind my head. 'Nothing like an early morning ride to start the day' I state and Stormfly caws approvingly. I turn towards her and pet her head. 'I know we should do it more often.' I take down my hand and look into her eyes to let her know how serious my next words will be. 'From now on I promise we'll-'_

 _I'm interrupted by a startled flock of birds that suddenly lifts off from a nearby tree. I get up and watch them disappear, wondering. What could have scared them like this? I have to take a look! Maybe it's a new kind of dragon. A discovery like that would really fit into this perfect day. I mount Stormfly and search the island._

* * *

 _'No! Stormfly!' I yell but it's useless. The ship starts to sail away, leaving me behind. 'I'll find you!' I promise. I hold on to one of the logs around me and struggle to follow the ship. I have to get to Stormfly! She wasn't even able to fly anymore so she won't be able to fight these men either. I have to reach her, to free her!_

 _I try my best to reach the ship. They are slow and my hope grows that I might make it. I can't leave her with this ugly man. Ryker his men called him. I have to remember this name! I'm almost there. I put in more effort to paddle faster towards the ship. I'll make it! I'll reach it and then I'll free Stormfly. These men will be sorry to have attacked us!_

 _But then it happens. I can almost touch the wooden wall of the ship when it suddenly becomes faster. I can hear the wind getting caught in the sails, the cordage creaks high above me. 'No!' I curse but there's nothing I can do. The ship reached the open water outside the island's bay and a strong breeze carries is away from me._

 _But I can't give up now! I can't swim all the way back to the Edge to get help and I can't just sit around and do nothing. Maybe the wind will decrease soon. Then I may reach the ship after all. I keep clinging to the log and paddle onward. Maybe I would be faster without it but I don't dare to let go of it. The island behind me gets smaller by the minute…_

 _I have to reach Stormfly! I have to! I just… have to…_

* * *

 _The ship is gone… It disappeared behind the horizon some time ago and I can't even see its trail on the water's surface anymore. By Odin, I'm not even sure I'm swimming in the right direction anymore!_

 _This time I messed it up for good, I guess… Wherever I look there's only water around me. It's really just me and this slippery log. I'm beginning to weaken. My legs burn from all the paddling. And I'm cold. So cold…_

 _How could this days that started so perfect turn into this disaster? When I awoke I was in Hiccups arms, warm and safe and happy. And now? Now I'm going to drown or freeze to death, Stormfly is captured by these Dragon Hunters and Hiccup doesn't even know._

 _It really only has been a few hours since I left our Glowing Cave, hasn't it? He won't be worried by now. He knows me too well to worry after just a few hours. I start to sob unrestrained. I'm so tired…_

 _If only I would have asked Hiccup to accompany me. Or would have stayed near Outpost Island. But no, it had to be just me and Stormfly and the wind, carrying us toward unknown places. Even if Hiccup were to look for me… how should he find me? He doesn't even know in which direction we went, let alone that I'm floating here in open water._

 _But then… He's Hiccup, right? Up until now he simply managed everything. If there is one person who could find me here then it would be him. I have to believe in him…_

 _Everything hurts…_

* * *

 _There's a different rumbling aside from the churning sea around me. The waves got higher during the last… Hours? Minutes? I don't know anymore… I look up and see dark clouds covering the former deep blue sky. I see lightning illuminating the chaos around me and thunder roars angrily almost simultaneously._

 _'Great…' I huff. The Gods probably hate me… Or maybe that's just it. I had a few great years as a Dragon Rider, a few month of Hiccup's love and a few nights of paradise. Maybe that's all I'll get. To think how much time I wasted…_

 _I'm going to die today… I'm almost certain. I just hope Hiccup will be able to find and free Stormfly in my place. These Dragon Hunters will cross his path sooner or later, I guess._

 _Hiccup… I'm so sorry! I wish we would have had more time. I wish we could have had a whole life together! I hope you'll be alright. And be happy…_

 _I cling to the log hopelessly._

* * *

 _Everything around me is dark. And there's water everywhere._

 _Is there still a sky above me? Is it rain that splashes on my head or yet another wave? Or am I already submerged in the ocean's deep? It's all the same to me. It seems like I'm still clinging to that log though but my hands are so numb. My whole body is numb. Shadows surround me from all sides, glide above and beneath me._

 _My mind starts playing tricks on me. The clouds look almost like black wings. But as I try to reach for them they are gone. I huff hopelessly and try to get a better hold on the log. Then another wave hits me and some current draws me down beneath the surface. I try to get back to that log but I'm too weak. I look back to where I spend my last hours as I sink down into nothing._

 _It's over now. I'm almost relieved that this torture is going to end. I fought as best I could but the ocean was stronger. Maybe this counts for something…_

 _I see a hand reaching out for me and wonder. Are there male Valkyries as well? Because these arms that hold me and lead me upward surely are that of a male. This Valkyr easily lifts my heavy body out of the cold water and carries me through the air to wherever I may go now._

 _So, it' over… My only regret left is for Hiccup. I hope he won't hurt too much about my death. I hope he'll be alright… It's strange… I can almost hear his voice. A last gift? I'm glad they let me hear his voice one last time. He's calling my name…_

 _The clouds around my thoughts lift slightly and I can hear Hiccup more clearly. He really is calling my name and is shaking me, too. So, there are no male Valkyries after all…_ He made it! _I realize. He really did manage to find me just in time. Well, he's Hiccup, after all… But to wait until the last possible moment…_

 _'What took you so long?' I manage to ask and I try to sound reproachful. I don't hear his answer though as I drift off into unconsciousness. My fight is over and I'm safe in his arms._

 _All that's left to worry now is Stormfly…_

* * *

 _My arms are around Hiccup's waist while Toothless carries us over what seems to me like endless water,_ again _! I try not to think too much but rather follow Hiccup's advice and rest but it's no good. I need to rest I know that. I still feel so drained by what happened. Yesterday. It really was only yesterday that I was clinging to that forlorn log and my life as well. My whole body still aches and what little happened back on the_ Reaper _just now already was enough to weaken me noticeably._

 _We spend this whole day flying and searching but it doesn't seem to me like we're any closer to finding Stormfly than we were this morning. Oh, we found a trail. Or some clues at least. Or rather… faint hints for hidden clues that might lead to a trail eventually… My muscles tense up all over in rage. We have to find Stormfly! If this horrible Ryker did something to her…_

 _'Can't… breath…' Hiccup gasps and I realize I clutched him a little too hard just now. I loosen my arms around him. 'Sorry…' I mumble as an apology and lean my head against his back. 'I just feel so helpless. How shall we ever find these Dragon Hunters? They know what they're doing. They must have been around for some time and we never even heard about them let alone met them…' I really don't see how Hiccup is going to manage this…_

 _'Hey Astrid. Listen to me. We will find her! We won't stop until we get her back. And even if it wasn't about Stormfly… If these people hunt dragons we have to stop them one way or the other. This is our first priority from now on.'_

 _I take a moment to let his words sink in. They are harsh and almost sound like Stormfly isn't all that important. But I know Hiccup and he knows me, too. His words comfort me even more so then the promise he gave me on the_ Reaper _. He's right, we have to find these Dragon Hunters and stop them. It's not like we're wasting precious time on my dragon. She just gives us additional motivation._

 _And then… again, he's Hiccup. He can accomplish everything. He even found me in the middle of the ocean, didn't he? If he says we will find her then we will find her._

* * *

 _I'm so tired… I lost count on how many days past since the last time I had a good night's sleep. I didn't even had the chance to completely recover from almost drowning with all that happened afterwards. I try to rest on Stormfly's back but the others keep chatting, distracting me. Luckily having a long-term conversation while flying in a group is tough, so I don't have to pay attention to what the others are talking about. There is so much we have to tell Hiccup and Snotlout but we decided to wait until we reach the Edge. And I'm so tired…_

 _…_

 _It is good to see how happy our dragons are when we land in front of their stables. Stormfly especially croaked in delight as soon as we got near Outpost Island. We lead them into their boxes and provide each with a basket full of fish. Or that's what the others do, I suppose… After dismounting Stormfly just now I was hardly able to stand on my feet without holding on to her, let alone walk or carry anything. Somehow I managed to get to her box but not without her help. Now I lean against her side and try to gather enough strength to stand on my own. Stormfly has bent her neck to look and me and I swear there's a worried expression in her eyes. But then she turns away after there's a low_ THUMP _in front of her._

 _'Here, that one's for you. Enjoy your meal.' I hear Hiccup say before he walks past her toward me. 'You okay?' He asks worried as he finds me feebly trying to stay upright._

 _'Yeah…' I murmur. 'Just tired…' All I want to do now is lie down and sleep… But I can't do that. We have to report on what happened and about Ryker, Dagur and Heather… I push myself off of Stormfly's side and walk past Hiccup toward the entrance. Or that's what I wanted to do at least… I stumble after two steps and probably would have landed on my backside if Hiccup hadn't caught me._

 _'Yeah, sure.' He snorts while holding me. 'Utterly exhausted is more likely. You should be in bed, young lady.' He adds but not without humor in his voice now. I smile, too, as I remember him saying something similar once before. But then I shake my head._

 _'We have to tell you what happened. This is too important! I'll go to sleep right after that, I promise.' Hiccup watches me for a moment and nods. Then he looks around the stables and toward the open entrance skeptically. 'Huh!' he huffs and beckons to Toothless. 'The others already went to the Club House. Let's fly after them, Toothless can carry us both.' He suggests. I know it's just a pretense so I don't have to walk the whole way up there but I accept it gladly._

 _But sure enough, everyone is already gathered and waiting as Toothless lands in front of the Club House. Hiccup dismounts quickly and helps me down afterward. I pull myself together and walk inside on my own. I don't want the others to see how week I am right now… I sit down on my usual seat and immediately rest my head and arms on the table in front of me. Snotlout fetches some bread and dried meat for everyone as Fishlegs begins to give account on what we experienced. Ruff and Tuff toss in their share, too, but I just listen. I could add many other details but they seem not important to me right now. What Fishlegs is telling is about all that matters now._

 _As expected Hiccup and Snotlout react shocked and disbelieving when they hear about Heather's betrayal. I'm especially glad I don't have to participate in this particular part of the conversation. Disbelieve doesn't even describe how I feel about Heather right now. I squint and swallow whatever comment I might add about Heather. Seeing her on Ryker's ship and all the things she did there… I'm still having a hard time working through this. How this could have happened, what it means to us now and how to react appropriately…_

 _Not now! I mentally distance myself from this topic. I'm not in the condition for this right now._

 _I jolt upright as something touches my back lightly and see Hiccup sitting next to me. Except for us the Club House is empty and the clouds outside are painted in varied colors by the setting sun. I must have dozed off. My head is foggy and my back hurts. I groan as I try to get up but fail and drowsily slump down on my seat again._

 _'Hey now' Hiccup says soothingly and lays an arm around my shoulders. 'Let's get you to bed, alright? Here, let me help you.' He offers me his arm to lean upon and I take it gladly. But when I try to walk I stumble after a step or two again and this time indeed fall to the ground as the room starts spinning around me._

 _'Wait a moment' I hear Hiccup say and nod weakly. As if I could do anything else right now…_

 _'Okay' he says then. 'Can you get up once more? I'm not sure I can lift you…' He pulls me to my feet again and lays my arm around his neck. Then he gets his arms beneath me and lifts up my legs to carry me like a child. 'Don't…' I protest weakly but Hiccup just snorts. 'Would you rather sleep on the floor?' He asks as he sets me down on Toothless' back. 'Mmh…no…' I admit already half asleep again._

 _The next thing I realize is Hiccup lying me down carefully. I don't even recall flying here or him carrying me inside and upstairs. But that's what must have happened for I find myself lying in my bed as Hiccup covers me with several blankets._

 _'Now sleep.' Hiccup whispers and I can feel him kissing my hair. He tries to get up but I reach for his hand weakly. 'Stay... please…' I mumble. Hiccup hesitates briefly but then climbs into the bed and lies down next to me. I snuggle up against his warm body as he takes me in his arms and I momentarily drift off into sleep._

* * *

 _I wake up slowly as a rough hand caresses my cheek. I stir slightly then turn around and try to hide against my pillow. I hear a low chuckle and the hand that was on my cheek just now caresses my back instead. I groan unnerved and turn back again to look at Hiccup. He's grinning impishly while also looking concerned at the same time._

 _'Time to get up, sleepyhead.' He says in a kind voice. 'It's past noon already. You should get up, walk a bit. And you should eat!' He reaches out his arm to help me up._

 _I look at him, blinking drowsily. It is past noon? It rather feels like I slept for an hour or two only. I crane my neck to get a look out of the window. Looks like Hiccup's right… And yes, I should get up, he's right there, too. But I don't want to, not right now at least._

 _And then it finally sinks in. We made it! We escaped these Hunters. We are safe again and so are our dragons. As I look up into these green eyes an overwhelming feeling grows inside me. The relief is almost painful as it threatens to burst me from the inside. There were moments on that ship when I didn't thought we could get out of there. I lost hope for a time. Seeing Ryker's superiority over us and our dragons made me doubt our chances to flee. And there were moments of fear, too, when I noticed the leering expressions on our guard's faces. I don't think we would have made it through another night unharmed. Or survive much longer afterwards… Being here now with Hiccup…I hadn't let myself hope for this to happen again._

 _I reach for Hiccup's outstretched arm but instead of letting him help me up I pull him down on top of me. I place my lips on his before he can complain and bury one hand in his hair to keep him there. I kiss him with all the passion that accumulated inside me during the past days. I thought I would die out there in the ocean, never to see him again. And later on Ryker's ship… These fears of losing Hiccup were just as strong as the relief that is overwhelming me now. I cling to him desperately, my free arm around his back holding him tight. And Hiccup returns the kiss just as passionately. He barely supports his own weight as his hands cup my face and neck. I arc my back trying to adapt my body closer to his but there are too many blankets between us. I try to kick them aside as my hand glides beneath his tunic. Feeling his bare skin beneath my fingers makes me yearn for more._

 _Hiccup moans against my lips and then sits up to get rid of the blankets. He looks at me hungrily for a moment before he pushes my shirt upward slightly and lowers himself to kiss my bellybutton. I gasp and clutch the bed frame desperately as Hiccup's lips start to wander south ever so slowly._

 _'I'm telling you, we should start lunch without them!' Fishlegs' high-pitched voice is almost frantic as is carries in from the outside. I jerk upright and collide with Hiccup who dropped his head with an annoyed grunt. 'No, he said they'd be right back!' Ruffnut interjects and Tuffnut adds in his perfectly serious tone 'He told us to wait. And since I'm far too hungry to wait any longer, I'll go and get them myself!' – 'Yeah, let's get them!' Snotlout adds almost gleefully._

 _I look at Hiccup horrified as he gets up and pinches his nose. 'I_ did _tell them to wait…' He admits sheepishly and I chuckle. I get up, too, and place another quick kiss on his cheek. 'Then let's be grateful we're still decently dressed.' I reply, grinning. But as I walk past him he suddenly grabs my arm, pulls me against him once more and keeps me in a tight embrace. 'I thought I'd lost you...' he whispers into my hair. I sigh and lean my head against his shoulder. 'Me too.' I reply._

 **Dear Diary**

This time I really thought we weren't going to make it. After Hiccup's plan to smuggle Fishlegs on board of the Hunter's ship failed and they captures the majority of us… I have to admit I was really worried. I still don't remember one of Hiccup's plans to fail and even backfire like this, ever. I mean, in the end he did come up with a solution and he and Snotlout were able to free us, but still…

I fear that Hiccup might overly blame himself for this. Ever since we returned to the Edge a few days ago he is very quiet and I see the look on his face when he is too deep in thoughts to notice me watching him. There is pain and guilt and worry in his eyes which makes me regret telling him about the guard's looks… I just hope he's not planning something drastic right away. Hunting down these Dragon Hunters became a personal matter but not only to Hiccup but to us all.

So Dagur joined the Dragon Hunters… I don't understand what he tries to accomplish by this move but it means this Ryker probably already knows where to find us. It's a good thing Fishlegs found out about the Gronckle Iron. We'll probably need it to make stronger weapons and strengthen our defense.

And then there's the thing about Heather… It looks like she decided to team up with Dagur since he's her brother and all. It's just so… Oh, never mind…

 **Bad Moon Rising**

 **Dear Diary**

You won't believe what I'm going to tell you now. The whole gang went crazy, Hiccup included! I mean, it is no surprise that Tuffnut would believe in a stupid myth like that of the Lycanwing. It's also not surprising that Snotlout mocks him about it and Fishlegs geeks out when someone mentions a new dragon. But right now they're all sitting around a campfire and listen to Gobber telling his stupid tale.

If only they would see how ridiculous this all is… After all that happened lately with Dagur, Heather and this Ryker now they are going to chase after this myth?

 **Dear Diary**

Today this whole insanity kept going… Tuff honestly seems to believe he'll turn into a Lycanwing. Last night he even gave his beloved mace to Snotlout. It was almost creepy…

Ruffnut tries to convince her brother that none of this is real. So this is surprisingly the proof that there actually _is_ more in her head then stupidity and nonsense. I don't dare to hope for some intelligence but at least she cares enough for her brother to see through this myth. Her determination actually impressed me. And the effort she put into it, dragging Snotlout from one dragon to another to get him bitten…

That was today's only ray of hope really, seeing Snotlout like this.

Because then Fishlegs rediscovered a lens for the Dragon Eye and as you might imagine this was the last I saw of him and Hiccup. Well, almost. They spend the whole day in Hiccup's hut, examining this new lens for any information about the Lycanwing and just now I saw the two of them fly off excitedly.

I'm not sure what bothers me more though, that they truly and earnestly chase after this fairytale or that they didn't ask me to join them on this mission. For even a mission that's doomed to fail like this one would be better than staying here with all these madmen.

 **Dear Diary**

Hiccup and Fishlegs have been gone the whole night… I stayed up hoping Hiccup would come over after they returned but up until now they didn't. They really should have told anyone where exactly they were going, preferably me. I just hope they are alright and didn't encounter these Dragon Hunters again. For if they did I really have no idea about how we could possibly help them.

Tuff insists upon his own imprisonment, Ruff is not thinking about anything but convincing her brother and Snotlout was out all evening by some poison and can't think straight anymore. Well, even less than usual. None of them would be fit for a rescue mission right now. And then I wouldn't even know where to look for them either… Whatever clue they found in the Dragon Eye I won't be able to find it myself or decipher it for that matter.

No, I simply have to trust that they didn't encounter any problems… Fishlegs told me that Hiccup was keyed up all day when I didn't return after Ryker caught Stormfly. He said it was almost like Hiccup knew something was off. I hope this connection works the other way around, too…

* * *

 _I walk over to the stables to check on Stormfly. I can't bear to be alone right now and maybe her company will calm me. And then Gobber should be there. Talking to him might distract me, too. I know Hiccup and Fishlegs are gone for only a few hours but this ignorance makes me restless. I just can't understand how everyone manages to be so calm with Dagur and Ryker still out there, actively hunting us as well as wild dragons. Heather and Ryker made it clear we and the Dragon Eye are on high priority, too._

 _I bite my lower lip. I must not think of this! I reach the stables and find Gobber inside, still cleaning his tools. 'Hey' I greet him. 'Still not done?' Getting all the poison out of Snotlout kept Gobber busy for some time. Cleaning up afterwards probably wasn't any better._

 _'Ah, it's long since done.' He waves dismissively. 'Just kept working so I don't start to remember any of it' He shudders but also grins at the same time. Making fun of Snotlout is a hobby we always shared. 'So, he'll survive after all?' Jokes are good. Jokes are distracting._

 _'Snotlout? I'm afraid so.' Gobber answers, still grinning. But then he gets more serious. 'Tuffnut? Not so sure…' He gestures toward the box Tuff locked himself up in. It's empty._

 _I narrow my eyes. 'What did he do now?' I ask actually concerned now. Despite everything I would not wish for Tuffnut to die and especially not to kill himself over this nonsense._

 _'He broke out. Or went away, however you wanna put it since he locked himself up and all… He took the chicken, too. Ruff's out looking. Pulled poor Snotlout right along as soon as he could stand again.' Gobber shakes his head. 'Never thought the lad would take it to heart like this…' He adds mumbling._

 _I look at the empty box for a few moments and then make a decision. There is nothing I can do when it comes to Hiccup and Fishlegs but hoping that they're alright. But with Tuffnut I can help. He must be somewhere on Outpost Island. That's still a lot to search but it's manageable. I take Stormfly's saddle and start to get her ready. Gobber watches me for a moment then leaves the stables with a mumbled 'Good luck!'_

 _Where would Tuff go? He wouldn't stay near the Edge, I guess. He made it clear that he wouldn't want to harm any of us after his transformation. I snort to myself. Did I really just though this? Looks like this insanity is infectious… I try to determine where Tuffnut could have gone while I saddle Stormfly. Would he hide in a cave or rather wait outside, on a clearing or a cliff maybe?_

 _Just before Gobber closes the door behind him I can hear some commotion from the landing place right in front of the stables. 'Gobber?–' is all I can hear before the doors fall shut but I know Hiccup's voice well enough. I bite my lip. So he's back… I should be relieved. I am! But I also feel a little foolish. Obviously this mission of theirs was rather short and probably not that dangerous. Again I worried too much over nothing…_

 _I sigh and keep working on Stormfly's saddle. I'm almost done when the stable doors open again. 'Thanks for that hint, Gobber.' I hear Hiccup saying in a low voice before he calls out over his shoulder. 'Could you go hide the lenses, Fishlegs? I'll be there in a moment.'_

 _I turn as Hiccup closes the door behind him. There's a slightly amused expression around his mouth as he walks toward me, takes me in his arms and kisses me lightly in greeting. 'So, Gobber just told me you were worried?' He asks with a wide grin. I can't help myself but punch him on the arm while glaring darkly. Is this just a joke to him?_

 _'Yes, I was!' I state angrily. 'You flew off and didn't tell anyone where you were going or when you would return. What if you happened to encounter Ryker and his men again? We would not have had the slightest chance in finding you.'_

 _Hiccup actually looks a bit guilty after my tirade and scratches his neck uncomfortably. 'Well, the clues led us to one of the islands nearby. We didn't thought there would be much danger and therefore no need to alert everybody. And at least Tuffnut probably overheard we were planning to go to Lycanwing island.'_

 _I raise an eyebrow. 'Great!' I compliment him sarcastically. 'Since Tuff's such a reliably source right now. And let me guess. The two of you named that island about 2 minutes prior?' Hiccup cringes. 'You're right.' He admits. 'But it's not like I went all on my own.'_

 _'And that's supposed to make me feel better? Fishlegs and Meatlug aren't exactly the best back up when it comes to a fight.'_

 _Hiccup sighs and turns to lean against one of the wooden beams that build the boxes. 'Okay, okay. I got it. But we really just flew over to that nearby island to check out this information we found. We make trips like that all the time. No need to worry.'_

 _I watch him for a moment. He really seems to believe what he just said. I shake my head and follow him. 'You don't see it, do you?' I ask and lean against the beam next to him, facing him. 'Ryker is out there! He wants the Dragon Eye and he wants us, too. And thanks to Dagur he knows exactly where to find us. The only reason he didn't attack already is that he probably doesn't want to face us as a group. If I were him I'd hide nearby and wait until we separate so he can capture us one by one.' I wait and give him time for this to sink in. It's like I can see his brain working through my word. After a few moments his expression grows darker and he nods._

 _'You're right.' He whispers. 'Of course you are! Why didn't I think of this?' He starts to walk up and down, thinking. I simply wait, watching him. Normally it's better not to interrupt him when he's like this…_

 _After a minute or two the stable doors open again though and Fishlegs enters. 'Hiccup, we should go find Tuff. Oh, hey Astrid. There was this scream right now and Meatlug is getting a bit nervous. We really should tell him what we found.'_

 **Dear Diary**

Thanks to Odin, this insanity is over. Hiccup and Fishlegs found proofs for the Lycanwing to be only a myth so we can finally keep going.

But then they also found two new lenses for the Dragon Eye. That might shake things up again, I guess. I just hope Hiccup sees the problem about Ryker lurking around.

 **Interlude I**

 **Dear Diary**

I have a secret… I have a secret and I must not tell it to anyone, not even Hiccup. Especially not Hiccup…

It drives me crazy keeping this from him though. This is important and big and… and he should know this. Things might get dangerous because of this!

But I promised…

 **Snotlout Gets The Axe**

 **Dear Diary**

Hiccup heeded my warning and these days we spend more time on practicing fight skills then we did in a very long time. In a way it is good to have this new threat ahead of us. It brings us closer together and even the Twins barely complain. This time we spend as Ryker's captives actually has a few beneficial side effects. Everyone is more alert and focused. But then we'll need this I guess if we really want to confront these Dragon Hunters.

* * *

 _'No!' I shout. I am not going to get myself killed over this stupid Jorgenson heirloom. Flying all the way just to witness this dreadful wedding would have been terrible enough but hunting after this strange dragon? No way!_

 _'Astrid' Hiccup starts and I kind of already know what he's going to say. 'We have to.' Sure enough…_

 _'This is his mess. Let him clean it up!' None of this would have happened if Snotlout would have been able to properly take care of this axe. But he had to show off of course. I wonder whether he'll ever stop his pointless flirting attempts. This at least would probably change for the better if Hiccup and I were to announce our relationship openly…_

 _Hiccup gives me that look, reproachful and disappointed. I know that one quite well. It's the same I gave him often enough when he refused to work as a team all this years ago._

 _'Fine' I give in reluctantly and walk over to Stormfly to examine her eyes. They seem to be alright again so at least that dragon's blast didn't do any permanent damage. I can hear Hiccup following me. I sigh and turn toward him again, arms crossed. 'What?' I ask not without annoyance._

 _'Astrid, we have to help him. It is important-' Is he really saying this with a perfectly serious face?_

 _'Important?' I snort, interrupting him. 'How is this important? It's just a stupid old axe. And it was_ his fault _!'_

 _Hiccup looks at me intently before he speaks again. His eyes and his voice are sincere and I realize that I'm the only one here who's annoyed. 'It is important' Hiccup starts again. 'to Snotlout. This axe is pretty old and valuable but that's not the point. This is about Snotlout who wants to prove himself to his father. I know just too well what that feels like and Snotlout is my friend. So I don't care how many mistakes he made this time. I'll simply help him as best I could. Are you in?'_

 _I blink and it takes a few moments before I can react. Hiccup's words hit me stronger that I want to admit, even to myself. Of course this is important to Snotlout… I guess I never would have hesitated if it were Hiccup's or even Fishlegs' problem. But then… Do I consider Snotlout to be a friend?_

 _'I'm in.' I confess hesitantly and Hiccup gives me a warm smile._

* * *

 _Phew! Snotlout's plan to get the Smothering Smokebreath' to deal with this Armorwing actually worked! I can hardly believe it. I lean back on Stormfly's back to relax for a moment. The setting sun dazzles me though. The setting sun?_

 _'Sundown!' I exclaim. 'Snotlout, you need to get out of here!' I try to catch Hiccup's gaze while saying this though. There's something I have to tell him… Hiccup noticed and nods slightly._

 _'She's right.' He adds toward Snotlout. 'Go! We'll be right behind you.' We watch Hookfang disappear behind the trees and only then I dismount. Hiccup follows suit and looks at me questioningly._

 _I bite my lip and feel the blood rising to my cheeks. I hate doing things like this._

 _'I'm… sorry.' I admit lamely. 'You were right. I should not have hesitated to help Snotlout with this.'_

 _Hiccup looks at me with crossed arms but here's a sly smile around his lips. 'Shouldn't you tell this to Snotlout?' He asks with barely suppressed humor in his voice. I snort._

 _'By Odin, no!' I shudder. 'Admitting this is bad enough, but to_ him _? No way!'_

 _Hiccup frowns slightly but walks over to me and takes me in his arms. I relax and lean against him. Neither of us says a word while we simply enjoy each other's presents._

 _Hiccup interrupts the comfortable silence after a minute though. 'May I ask you a question?' I look up at him. 'Of course!' I say, surprised._

 _'Why are you always deprecating like this toward Snotlout? He didn't… do anything to you, did he?' I blink and retreat slightly to look at him. Is he serious? He sounds serious…_

 _'N-No!' I step back and cross my arms. 'It's just… I hate him flirting with me! It's like he honestly expects me to return it, like he really believes he and I could…ever…' I trail off and shudder. To imagine… Urg, and admitting it to Hiccup…_

 _Hiccup stares at me in confusion for a moment and then bursts out laughing. Is he actually laughing at me? I glare at him. Hiccup raises a hand to appease me as he tries to catch his breath. It actually takes him some time…_

 _'You honestly believe Snotlout is seriously flirting with you?' He asks laughing and I nod hesitantly. 'Well, he's not. That's just the way he is. Showing off yes, but…' Hiccup shakes his head, still chuckling. But then he gets serious again. 'Believe me, he knows you're not for him' He adds with a twinkle in his eyes before he places a kiss on my brow._

 **Interlude II**

 _Dear Astrid_

 _T **h** ings g **e** t notice **a** bly more in **t** eresting **her** e._

 _I'd like to see you again. There is so much I have to tell you!_

 _Meet me soon._

 _Thyra_

 _I crumple the letter that just arrived by Terror Air Mail and throw it into the fire. I watch it burn while not really seeing anything. So it begins. I bite my lip and try to ignore the gaping hole inside me. I still don't think this is the right way. I shouldn't go with it._

 _But then it is not my life that's at stake…_

 **The Zippleback Experience**

 _When we return to the Edge after this failed attempt to build our Watch Tower Gobber is already waiting for us. I have a hard time concentration on what he says though. My mind starts spinning around the letter_ _ _again_ I got the other day as is does so often since then. I have to find an excuse for a prolonged mission and I don't have much time left._

 _'Alright' Hiccup agrees to Gobber's request, whatever it might have been. 'Fishlegs, are you okay with this?' Fishlegs squeals and starts scratching Meatlug. 'Heard that, princess? You are very much needed on Berk. We'll race there as fast as you can, won't we?'_

 _I perk up my ears at this? Fishlegs is going to fly to Berk? As everyone scatters I step up to Hiccup. He looks up and frowns concerned as he recognizes me. 'Hey, are you alright?' He asks as we walk back to our dragons. 'You seemed troubled lately. Is there something bothering you? You can tell me, you know that right?'_

 _I blink alarmed and then hurry to compose myself again. I wave a hand dismissively. 'Oh, it's noth-'_

 _'Don't say it's nothing!' He interrupts me. 'I know you too well. The truth, please.'_

 _I bite my lip. He really knows me too well… That was never before a problem but then I never had to lie to him before. And I have to… I bow my head so I don't have to look in his eyes and try to come up with a believable story. An idea rises in my head that would solve both my problems right now._

 _'I… uhm… Fishlegs is going to fly to Berk, right? Maybe I should accompany him.' I suggest hesitantly. I can feel Hiccup's scrutinizing gaze upon me._

 _'Sure you can. But that's not an answer.' He presses and I can hear a hint of disappointment in his voice. Lying to him really is bad…_

 _I sigh, mainly to compose myself. 'It… is possible that I did a mistake… while counting days, you know… And I'd like to talk to Thyra about it.' I blush adequately although it is not for the reason Hiccup would think. Dammit, lying to Hiccup isn't bad. It's the worst I ever did. At least is feels that way…_

 _'Oh…' Hiccup responses flatly. Then he understands. 'Oh! Okay then. Of course you can accompany Fishlegs. It would be better anyway if he wouldn't have to fly alone. You can watch over him.' He winks at me._

 _I smirk. What I told him was a lie but I honestly would have expected another reaction then a simple 'Oh'. Hiccup seems to notice my unease and steps closer. He places a hand on my cheek and lifts my head so that I have to look at him again. Feeling his skin on mine makes me shiver longingly._

 _'Hey!' He says softly after a moment. 'Whatever happens, we'll get though it together. Okay?' I manage a small smile before I respond. 'Okay!'_

 _I stretch to kiss him, desperate to be close to him. I dearly hope this blasted plan won't backfire…_

* * *

 _'Astrid?' Fishlegs' whiny voice calls out for me and I sigh inwardly. 'It's not far now.' I assure him annoyed. We flew this route often enough as a group but I never noticed just how slow a Gronckle really is. A Deadly Nadder really is not the fastest dragon but compared to a Gronckle…_

 _'We should almost be there.' I call over my back toward Fishlegs. 'Let's go beneath the clouds so we don't miss it. We're far enough away from Outpost Island anyway.' We chose to rest at Heather's former hiding place for the night. We could make the trip to Berk at one go but it would be unnecessary demanding of our dragons and we're not in any hurry._

 _'There it is!' Fishlegs calls agitated as the island appears on the horizon. This must be hard for him. Heather was a good friend to him, too. Wistfully I remember how she told me she would like Fishlegs best of the boys in our gang. That's not something I'm going to tell him though. Not now at least. Maybe someday, after… I shake my head. I must not think of this! Everything will work out as planned. I have to believe in that or I'll go crazy._

 _After we landed and made camp for the night I leave Fishlegs to go for a walk. To stretch my legs after this long ride or so I tell Fishlegs at least. I wander aimlessly around the island until I'm absolutely sure Fishlegs isn't following me. I'm being paranoid and I know it but too much is at stake right now. After a few additional turns I head toward the cave Heather locked me up in when we first found her here. I rummage through the loose stones at the bottom of the cave wishing I had thought to bring a torch. It does take some time but eventually I find a folded piece of paper between the rocks. Since it is too dark to read anyway I stash the letter into the small pocket at the inside of my cuff and return to our camp._

* * *

 _A._

 _If you read this that means my message reached you._

 _We need to talk! I'll meet you as planned at the seventh full moon._

 _H._

 _I stash the paper back into my cuff and count. The seventh full moon is already in twelve days. Not much time to deal with whatever request Gobber had, go back to the Edge to get rid of Fishlegs and then find another reason to come here on my own…_

 _'So, what is it exactly that Gobber needs you to do?' I ask Fishlegs. Hopefully this won't take too long. Fishlegs looks at me puzzled before answering. 'Weren't you there, too, when we talked to Gobber? The chief wants to strengthen Berk's defenses and they need a lot of Gronckle Iron.' I frown. 'How long will it take you?' I ask and am relieved to hear his answer. We'll be on our way back tomorrow._

 _I nod to myself. It's about time they get started with the defenses. But then… 'Why now?' I ask. 'Was there another attack? And why do they need you and Meatlug for this? Aren't there enough wild Gronckle on Berk?'_

 _'You really weren't listening, were you?' He mumbles and adds something else I don't understand. I think he mentioned Hiccup tough… 'No, there was no attack.' He continues. 'They got started after the last one, when you trained you're A-Team. They tried to train the wild Gronckles to produce Gronckle Iron but apparently that's not that easy. It takes a lot of trust for them to eat that much and then regurgitate it by command. Or fear.'_

 _I nod again. This makes sense. 'And why did Gobber sail all the way to the Edge? Why didn't he send a Terror?' I ask and Fishlegs is startled for a moment. 'Huh!' He huffs in response. 'Good Question. Maybe they ran out of Terrors? Or they were all already on their way?' He's silent for a moment. 'Or Gobber just wanted to escape Berk for a few days. He always could have sent this request along with the Air Mail you got the other day.'_

 _I freeze. I only got one Mail recently. What does Fishlegs know about it? 'What do you mean?' I ask innocently. I'm glad it is Fishlegs I'm talking to. Hiccup would have seen right through my poor attempt._

 _'You got an Air Mail the other day. I saw the Terror flying straight to your hut. What was is about anyway? Is it because of that mail that you accompanied me?' Damn, Fishlegs is smarter then I gave him credit for…_

 _'Ah, yes, that mail.' I admit lamely. 'It came from my cousin Thyra. She lives on Berk now and wanted to see me again.' Stick to the story, stick to the story… I turn ahead again, not wanting to keep up this conversation._

 _We cover the rest of the distance in silence. When we reach Berk Fishlegs waves me good bye and 'gets down to work' as he called it. I watch after him worried and then hurry to find Thyra._

 _She's not at their house so I fly toward the Great Hall. Luckily I find her there but she's surrounded by other women including my mother. I sigh inwardly as she recognizes me and hurries toward me. I don't have time for my mother right now..._

 _'Astrid!' she pulls me down into a warm hug and refuses to let go. 'What are you doing here? We didn't expect to see you again so soon.' She lets go of me eventually and looks me up critically. 'You need new cloth' she states matter-of-factly._

 _'Mom, please!' I beg. 'Not now, okay? I need to talk to Thyra.' Thyra, who approached us along with a group of other women, blinks in surprise but dissembles and just nods accordingly._

 _'Sure!' She agrees. 'Let's go for a walk.' She suggests and I smile at her gratefully._

 _We leave the Hall and walk over the bridges into the forest. Thyra leads the way and I'm grateful for her choice. No one will accidentally overhear us here. When we reach a clearing Thyra sits down on a tree trunk and looks up at me expectantly. 'So?' she asks, eyebrows raised. 'What is it you want to talk about? If you're going to tell me that you're pregnant already I thing I might punch you…' She's smiling but there is also a mischievous glint in her eyes._

 _'What?' I stare at her incredulously. Then I shake my head. 'No! No, that's not what I want to talk about.' I close my eyes to compose myself and when I open them again Thyra caught up to my mood, her humor gone._

 _'Thyra, I have to ask you a favor. It's no big thing, but… If anyone should ask you tell them you asked me to come here by Terror Air Mail, alright?' I look at her pleadingly and bite my lips. When I thought about using Thyra as an excuse it seemed like a good idea. But this detail may also ruin everything._

 _Thyra watches me expressionless. 'Why?' she asks with a calm voice but I think I can her suspicion and worry in it. I cross my arms in front of me and look to the side, not meeting her eyes._

 _'It's… I can't tell you.' I look at her again, trying to convince her. 'Please trust me, it is important.'_

 _Thyra get's up again and scrutinizes me. Then she nods. 'I do trust you. And I will lie for you if you think it's so important. On one condition!' She watches me carefully and I know that I won't be able to lie to her in this moment. I hold my breath as I wait for her to continue._

 _'Promise me here and now that you're not using me as your alibi to cheat on your boyfriend.' She says sternly and I relax. 'I promise I'm not cheating on Hiccup!' I vow and smile faintly. This is the truth in the way that troubles Thyra at least._

* * *

 _I roll up by Stormfly's side and pull my blanket tighter. I'm shivering but it is not because of the cool night air and my blanket won't help. I decided to spend this night with my dragon in the arena instead of Thyra's spare room again. I need Stormfly's comfort right now!_

I'm not cheating on Hiccup! _I try to convince myself. Of course I'm not. Not in the way Thyra implied at least. But I'm still going behind his back. He must not discover this secret, not before I had the chance to explain it to him._

 _I doze off and strange dreams hunt me. Or are these memories?_

 _I see Heather on Ryker's ship as she enters Stormfly's cage. She raises her double axe and taunts me loudly. But then she whispers urgently._ 'Astrid, listen to me. Pretend to fight me and listen!'

 _I see her pushing away the Hunters with their bows, pretending to want to fight me herself and then losing on purpose._

 _I see her following me into Stormfly's cage again to plan hurriedly how to contact me if needed. All while pretending to fight each other. I remember promising her not to tell anyone about this plan. Not even Hiccup… There was no time to argue and I promised…_

 _I whimper and thereby wake myself. My heart races and I can feel tears running down my cheeks. I bury my head against my arms and knees and sob._

 _Twelve days to go! Then I'll talk to Heather again and convince her to let Hiccup in on the plan._

* * *

 **I'm sorry for this mild cliffhanger... But the chapter grew too long again.**  
 **I'm already working on the next part :o) _  
_**


	8. Race to the Edge 2 (Part III)

**Race To The Edge 2 (Part III)**

A/N: Finally I finished this chapter… It took some time but it's also by far the longest chapter until now. And just in time before the new episodes are released. I'm soooo excited for those! But also afraid of them… I worked very hard to keep this story headcanon, to keep it possible within the HTTYD-storyline. And as much as I want to see a whole lot more of Hiccstrid in season 4 that could also turn this into an AU after all. I just hope my motivation would survive this, for right now, there are at least two more chapters I want to write.

One reason why this took me so long however is that I discovered another hobby. Videoediting. So, if you're interested check out my YouTube Channel for Hiccstrid-vids. I'm Ship Mistress there, too. ;)

 **Edit: So, now it's prooven that Hiccup and Astrid indeed were not secretly together through all this time... I thought learning this would knock my motivation out for good. But they are just coo cute! (^.^) So, I'm going to finish this story with the two mentioned chapters but probably won't continie after that since this storyline doesn't work with season 4 anymore.**

* * *

 **Dear Diary**

How am I supposed to deal with this? I finally stopped worrying over Hiccup on every occasion and then he lets himself get kidnapped by Dagur the moment I leave for a few days? Honestly… I mean he was able to free himself, or rather with Barf and Belch's help, but still…

The Twins told us what happened while we ate dinner just now. They had a lot of fun telling this story, though Snotlout and especially Hiccup didn't seem to be likewise amused. I'm sorry Hiccup had to endure this on his own. I know being with Snotlout and the Twins without any other company can be horrible, but he really got the worst of it.

But then again… more severe thing might happen in the near future than an overly grateful Zippleback…

You know… I shouldn't talk about this, not even to you. But I have to… When I told…her… to sign her letters with Thyra's name I thought that would be save. Even if anyone else would have found it first it would not have raised any suspicion. I'm glad I was able to talk to Thyra about this though for Fishlegs actually asked her casually about what was so important for us girls to talk. Her answer 'Girls stuff!' and her glare were priceless, but still… He might have been just curious but that's not how I would describe Fishlegs. Not when it comes to people's personal matters anyway. I think he suspects me hiding something. Maybe I'm not as good an actress as I though…

This brings me back to what the Twins just said … From their point of view all these problems with Barf and Belch could have been easily solved if Hiccup simply happened to be a better actor. And it's true. He's such an honest person he couldn't even deliver a convincing lie if his life depended on it.

So what about her life? This plan of hers depends on us fighting her convincingly. There's so much that can go wrong…

* * *

 _I stand on the ledge outside our Glowing Cave and watch the stormy sea. The wind tears at me but it's not strong enough to become dangerous. It is early morning and last night's tempest is calming down though the waves beneath me are still much higher than normal._

 _I can't sleep anymore. The howling wind woke me up and after restlessly turning from side to side a few times I decided to leave the cave and let Hiccup sleep. I briefly thought about waking him, too. I could use a distraction right now… Only it wouldn't be fair to him. However, I doubt he would have minded being used as a distraction like that…_

 _I bit my lip. I'm lying to him far too much lately. Only five more days… I hope that whatever Heather is going to tell me will include us getting her out of there soon. When we talked briefly on Ryker's ship she told me of this other guy though, the head of the Dragon Hunter's. Her goal is to lure him out of the shadows he's hiding in. Is it possible that she already reached that goal?_

 _I wince slightly as two arms circle around my waist from behind. So much for not waking up Hiccup… Feeling his warm body line up against my back is pleasant though. I didn't even notice how cold I was…_

 _'Morning' he mumbles into my hair before kissing my neck lightly. I shiver slightly though not because of the cold. 'Good morning' I reply. I lean back against him and place my hands on his over my stomach._

 _'You couldn't sleep anymore? This is quiet early, even for you. So, what's up?' His voice sounds casually enough but I doubt his question is honestly meant that way. I have not been good at hiding my anxiety during the past days. He won't buy it when I try to tell him it's nothing… I sigh._

 _'It's just… I'm a little… worried, that's all…' I say vaguely, trying to stick to the truth as much as possible._

 _His arms around me tighten slightly though just for a moment before he loosens his grip around me again and caresses my stomach instead. 'It'll all work out just fine, you'll see.' He says soothingly. 'Nothing to worry about. We'll manage it, together.' I frown in confusion. Is he talking about what I think he's talking about?_

 _I turn around in his arms to look at him. He has a guarded expression on his face but his lips twitch into a small smile every now and then. I glare at him._

 _'That is not what I meant!' I state indignantly. Hiccup's reaction was not what I would have expected, though…_

 _He looks at me confused. 'Not? I… I thought after you wanted to talk to your cousin… And you've been so upset since you returned from Berk…' He trails off as I shake my head. Dammit, I never should have come up with this story…_

 _'No, that's… It's not like that, nothing to worry there.' I assure him although apparently, he wouldn't mind being a father already… Honestly?_

 _I wait for a moment, looking at him intently. 'I am worried' I continue, emphasizing every word. 'about the Dragon Hunters!' This at least is the truth. '_

 _Hiccup looks away uncomfortably. 'Oh... that...'_

 _'Yeah, that!' I pause for a moment. What exactly do I want to tell him? 'We have to stop them!' This, too, is the truth… 'They won't leave us in peace, we already suspected that. And after what happened…' I trail off, swallowing hard. I forbid myself to think too much about Hiccup's abduction. Everything went well, I have to keep telling me this. And once again, I have to make sure it never happens again… 'We can't wait for them to make the next move.' I continue. 'We have to look for them and stop them. We can't let them hunting down all these dragons.' I probably don't have to mention our own safety as a reason as well. I presume Hiccup would risk everything to protect the dragons…_

 _Hiccup nods slowly. 'I know that.' He says. 'I already sent several Terrors to ask if anyone of our allies heard anything about them. My father, Trader Johann, the Outcasts... I'm waiting for their answers any day now. But…' He hesitates and when I look at him I see concern in his eyes. 'Are you sure you can do this?' I scowl at him but before I can protest he continues. 'I don't mean whether you are physically capable. We both know you're more than that.' He blushes slightly. 'I mean… are you sure you can fight her? She was your friend and I know how close you were… This won't be easy, I guess.'_

 _I bite my lip, looking down. I wish I could let him in on the secret! But it is not my secret to share... 'This… this won't be a problem.' I say simply. True. Hiccup draws me closer again and I lean my head against his shoulder, letting him comfort me. It feel more like torture though…_

 _Every single word I said was true. Why then do I feel this miserable?_

 **Snow Way Out**

 **Dear Diary**

I did it! I endured these last days without major incidents. Tomorrow I'll fly off to meet Heather again and hopefully after that this torture will be over. I told Hiccup I would return to Berk once more as a request by my mother. I know he wouldn't dare to deny her wishes… And then it is not entirely a lie. When Fishlegs and I were on Berk she took measurements of me and asked me to return soon for my new clothing. Apparently my old one's were too tide around the bust and too short around the waist… Or that's what she said at least. Whatever…

It gives me the perfect reason for a quick trip as none of the others would willingly strain themselves over clothes! Okay, Hiccup offered reluctantly to accompany me but I convinced him to stay at the Edge. It really wouldn't do for the both of us to leave and let the rest of our gang do as they please. I told Hiccup however that if he were to let himself get kidnapped again I'd make him regret it. I told Toothless the same…

I won't be gone for too long, about one day at the most. I can only hope Ryker won't choose this of all days to finally attack. But then, I doubt he would attack without Heather's _assistance_. Hiccup and the others should be safe enough for one day…

I'm relieved this is going to be over soon. The next time I write to you I'll have talked to her and hopefully Hiccup as well.

* * *

 _When I approach Heather's former hide out I start to look for a campfire but there is none. I'm getting nervous as I search the entire island and still can't find one. She's supposed to wait for me. After I'm absolutely convinced I didn't overlook anything I return to the place where Fishlegs and I rested a few days back. I start a fire myself, eat some dried meat and wait._

 _Minutes stretch into hours while I search the night sky ceaselessly. But there is nothing. No blinking out of a few stars for a moment, no reflection on Windshear's metallic scales and no rustling of wings either. I start to walk up and down the camp side getting closer to panicking by the minute._

 _This is not good! What could have happened for Heather not to attend this carefully arranged meeting? I don't believe for a moment that she arranged it to trap me so there has to be another reason. I can think of two, actually. Maybe she wasn't able to come here due to some other plans Ryker made for her. She said that would be unlikely but possible nonetheless. Or maybe she has been exposed as a traitor… I feel sick even thinking about this._

 _No! No, I have to assume it's the former. So what am I supposed to do if Heather doesn't show up? Wait for another secretive mail of hers? She sounded pretty serious in her messages, though. Something big is happening._

 _I sit down by the fire again as I try to think it through. She said it would be unlikely… So there needs to be a good reason for her to be prevented from coming here. Something big… What if whatever she wanted to warn me about is already in action?_

 _I get on my feet hastily and gather my things. What if there's another attack on the Edge? I look around once more to make sure I haven't forgotten anything… and hesitate. Heather might not have been able to meet me here… But maybe she came earlier to leave another message. I have to make sure not to miss anything! I take a barely burned log from the extinct fire and stir Stormfly toward the small cave again. She lightens my torch and I enter the cave with it. I rummage quickly through the loose rocks again and suppress a cry of joy as I find a folded and sealed paper in the back of the cave. I unfold is hastily and begin to read._

 _A._

 _The plans have changed and I won't be able to meet you. I pray to all the Gods in Asgard that you will find this letter for I don't think I'll be able to send many more hidden messages in the near future without raising suspicion._

 _R. bought a whole lot of equipment for icy weather on the northern markets and he needed it right away. That made me suspicious but he wouldn't tell me the purpose of it. It seemed to be very important to him, though._

 _So I tried to do my own investigations on this matter and overheard a few guards. Apparently, we're going to go on a trip to find some rare beast and get something from it. A bone or a claw or so they assumed. This didn't tell me much at first but then I remembered something you guys told me. About this … Eye and some sort of key?_

 _Whatever is was, R. is trying to get one himself. I'm sure it would be best if we managed to prevent him from succeeding._

 _H._

 _I let the letter sink down in disbelieve. So Ryker wants to get a Snow Wrath Tooth for himself? Hah, I wish him good luck with this! This is hardly as urgent as I thought it would be. Even if he managed to beat this beast he would still need the Dragon Eye. And if he managed to get it from us he would probably be able to get our Tooth as well._

 _No, this is really nothing to worry about. I leave the cave and mount Stormfly, dissatisfied with how this day turned out. This information was hardly worth Heather's effort let alone her endangering herself. But it seems like she's safe for now at least. This knowledge calms down my former fears for her and makes room for another emotion._

 _Despair rises inside me as another fact sinks in. I wasn't able to talk to her about Hiccup. I have to keep lying to him until I convinced her._

 _I look up into the night sky to keep my stinging eyes in check as I ponder my options. There is nothing left here for me to do so I actually could fly to Berk as I pretended to do. When Ryker and his Hunters are chasing the Snow Wrath the Edge is probably safe for now and it would raise suspicion if I were to return early without the mentioned clothes. I'm so tired of lying and don't want to come up with another tale just to cover up my reason for coming here in the first place._

 _Dammit! I have to find a way to talk to Heather. I can't keep on living like this. I know where she is, or at least where she's going to be. I could fly to Glacier Island and try to catch her alone. Uhh, I hate Glacier Island… It's too cold and I didn't pack any equipment for this kind of undertaking. No, I can't fly there on my own without resupplying. And then there are the Hunters as well. It would be way too dangerous to run across them on my own again._

 _And there is one other fact… I know where Ryker and his men will be. That's the information Hiccup was looking for! Keeping this from him, too… That would be a betrayal without excuse, assuming there is one for the other… I have to tell him about this. I'm pretty sure he's going to chase after them immediately though. But then it would have been his decision to fly there and not mine. To fly after Heather and confront her… I droop my head in anguish. I'm such a coward…_

 _But the Hunters surely won't expect us. Maybe we're even able to take them down. This would also clean up this mess about Heather's secret._

 _That leaves only one problem… How can I deliver this information to the others without revealing my source? I can't tell them about Heather's letter… But maybe I don't have to… An idea begins to form in my head as I give Stormfly a sign to return to Dragon's Edge._

 **Dear Diary**

So, there goes another hope, crushed into nothing… She wasn't there and therefore I wasn't able to talk to Hiccup as well. Oh, we did talk! I told him and the others what I learned from the letter. And I told them Trader Johan was the one I got this information from. Another lie, jet a small one in comparison. And a quiet believable one, too, since it contains knowledge of trading.

As expected and feared and hoped Hiccup decided to leave for Glacier Island in the morning. I'm nervous… I need to meet her but it will be hard to get her alone with the others around, especially Hiccup. He won't approve of unescorted scouting trips around the island so I'm going to lie to him again… And I fear he already suspects I'm up to something… I told him just now that I won't meet him tonight, that I'm tired from the long ride and need to recover for tomorrow's journey. The way he looked at me, with sadness and disappointment. I mean, what I told him were no lies but they were not the whole truth either. I just can't stand to be near him right now, not with this lie still hanging between us.

* * *

 _I direct Stormfly downward and make her fly slower so that we're below and behind Toothless in the blink of an eye. In this storm he won't find us with this strange hearing of his, or so I hope. I also hope Hiccup will fly straight back to our camp and not run into Heather himself._

 _I turn around and fly in another direction from where Hiccup and Toothless are heading. I need to locate the Dragon Hunters' camp and Heather as well. Maybe I'm even lucky for once and find her on her own._

 _This whole enterprise is insane… The storm is so strong, I can barely see anything and I'm freezing already. I should ask my mother for some cold weather clothes as well… And I should return to our camp, maybe confess everything, honor bound or not. Hiccup deserves to know the truth, whether Heather thinks so or not._

 _I'm about to steer Stormfly back to where we came from as she alerts me by croaking and indicating toward a place on the ground below us. The light of a camp fire shines through the storm although it's hidden by a pair of silvery wings. Windshear!_

 _'Easy, girl, I see them.' I calm Stormfly down and prevent her from diving down directly. First I have to make sure Heather is alone. 'Let's go in another way!'_

 _I direct Stormfly toward a landing place a little distance away and then sneak up to the fireplace. If Heather happens to be with some other Hunters she has to keep up appearances. Stormfly picks up my antagonistic behavior as we get closer and when I confront Heather she does the same to Windshear. It only takes a quick exchange though before we realize we're really alone and drop the charade._

 _'What took you so long?' she asks and relief washes through me as she hugs me in greeting. I realize how anxious I was although I never doubted Heather's loyalty, or did I?_

 _'Hiccup isn't the easiest person to sneak away from.' I explain as an apology but it's more than that, to me anyway. Sneaking away from him was hard, but more in an emotional way. Heather doesn't seem to notice my unease though._

 _'Yeah! Ryker thinks I'm out scouting.' She explains. As if those two things were the same… 'How did you get him to come here, anyway?' She asks and I hear the hidden meaning beneath. What did I tell him, how much does he know about her secret. I appease her by telling her about my ruse with Trader Johan while enjoying the heat of the fire. Dammit, I really hate this cold!_

 _'…Any problems on you end?' I ask, worried. In the end it is her, who's in real danger if her secret was revealed._

 _'Well, Ryker doesn't trust anyone and Dagur is paranoid.' She looks distressed while saying this but rebuilds up her façade quickly. She's just as unlikely to show emotions as I am… 'But so far I think I'm okay.' She adds more cheerful. I wonder what she's been through during the last weeks… But her words remind me of something else._

 _'You took care of Dagur?' I ask, wondering what he's up to since apparently he didn't came here with the rest of them. Heather smiles. 'I send him on a fool's errand… Looking for a second Dragon Eye.' She looks delighted._

 _Huh… If there actually was a second one it would make this mission to keep Ryker away from the Snow Wrath so much more important. I never thought about that possibility. I just hope there really is none… 'That should keep him busy' I admit. Even if there was one, it wouldn't be easy to find. But that's not important right now…'So, fill me in.' I order and Heather abides. She tells me their theory about the Snow Wrath hibernating and how she plans to keep Ryker away from the dragon. As she mentions Hiccup though I feel the guilt rise inside me again. It must be on my face, too, for Heather looks at me questioningly and asks 'What?'_

 _That's it! The reason why I needed to come here, to talk to her. 'We should tell Hiccup what we're doing! This… doesn't feel right.' I blurt out before I can think about it and blush. I have to be more careful of what I say…_

 _'No! We agreed!' She insists and I start to feel awful. I know we did, but that doesn't change how wrong this is. 'I've never lied to him before!' I try to explain, but Heather doesn't even listen. She doesn't understand how important this is to me._

 _'I know.' She appeases me, halfheartedly. 'But this is the best way to take the Dragon Hunters down. From the inside!' Heather gets excited and cuts off every objection I come up with. Maybe it's true that Hiccup sometimes cares too much and would want to pull Heather out of there but that doesn't mean he can't be reasoned with, does it? Keeping him out of this is just so… wrong!_

 _Eventually I give up on that topic. Heather is simply not listening. All she thinks about is how to take the Hunters down and get rid of Ryker and especially Viggo. And I know those are important points… It doesn't change how I feel though. Heather is so sure of her plan. I wish I could be as confident as she is._

 _I make a decision while sitting next to Heather at her camp fire however. When all this is over I will tell Hiccup about Heather's plan. His reaction might endanger Heather if I were to tell him now but when we're back at the Edge I will tell him! I tried to reason with Heather but I realize it is no good. I kept her secret for as long as I could bear it but I won't burden myself further with this when she's not even listening to me._

* * *

 _I let Stormfly drop the heavy cage into the snow up on the mountainside. The Hunters won't reach the Snow Wraths here until we had time to get them somewhere safe. I look back to where there ships lie at anchor. I saw Heather picking up Ryker and Hiccup following them… 'This is not good.' I murmur more to myself but Fishlegs looks at me questioningly. I consider for a moment before I give Stormfly a sign to take off again. 'Take care of the dragons.' I call out to Fishlegs as Snotlout and the Twins arrive with their carried Snow Wraths. They shout after me, but I don't have time._

 _Hiccup is going to confront Ryker and Heather, no matter what. Toothless is faster than Windshear, especially with Ryker's additional weight. Hiccup will fight them if needed and he won't hold back. Treachery is not something he forgives easily… I have to stop him before he hurts Heather or Windshear!_

 _But how? Toothless and Windshear are so much faster than Stormfly. I'll never reach them if I try to follow them. So where can they be heading? It is Heather who leads the way and she knows this island pretty well by now. But so do I. They were flying around the mountain and there is one place to where I can cut a corner and reach them. Hopefully I won't be too late…_

* * *

 _I told them everything I know… Hiccup questioned me right after I prevented him from shooting at Heather of course but the rest of the gang only learned about her plan when I talked to them in the Club House just now._

 _Hiccup left a while ago… Shortly after I told him about this Viggo Grimborn he walked off into the night, followed by Toothless of course. He left me to the gang's questions and there were a lot of those. I know they watched us all the way back to the Edge. Even the Twins noticed how angry Hiccup was and that this anger was directed at me. He didn't say one word until we reached the Edge and not even while I talked to the others._

We're supposed to be a team! _Those were his first words then… They felt like a knife in my hearts, they still do! And I can't forget the look on his face. So full of disappointment and betrayal, his hands balled into angry fists… It is so rare for him to show this amount of his emotions… My heart aches at these memories and with the knowledge that I'm the one who did this to him. What have I done?_

 _With all that happened during these last month I often thought about how loosing Hiccup might be the worst that could happen to me. We fought so much, against wild dragons, Dagur and now these Hunters, the danger was always present. It never occurred to me that I might lose him for an altogether other reason…_

 _I'm still sitting at the table in the Club House. The others retreated some time ago, leaving me alone in my agony. I remember Fishlegs placing his massive hand on my shoulder to comfort me before he left. It was a kind gesture but worthless nonetheless. I messed it up!_

 _I rub my face, wiping away any lone tears in the process. I'm not in the mood for crying, not jet at least. I gather my strength and motivation to get up and leave for my own hut. There's no point in sitting in this dark room, really…_

 _As I pass Snotlout's hut I can hear him snoring heavily even through the walls. Huh, usually he's the last to sleep. I look up into the starlit night sky and sigh. It really got late… I keep walking toward my hut reluctantly. I should go to bed, too, I know that. But I don't think I'll be able to sleep._

 _When I reach the platform of Hiccup's hut I stop by the ladder that leads to the upper platform. Without consciously deciding to do so I climb upward and tentatively lay my hand on the wooden wall next to the entrance. I can hear Toothless snoring, too, so Hiccup is probably in there as well since he can't be out on a ride. I wish I could simply go to him, talk to him, apologize and explain and… And tell him one excuse after the other._

 _I rest my head against the wall and can't hold back the tears any longer. I knew it was wrong to keep this secret from him, knew it from the beginning. My knees buckle and I sink down toward the ground as my tears flow unrestrained. If only I would have told him earlier. Promise or no promise, Hiccup never deserved to be lied to and especially not by me. I wrap my arms around my knees and sob silently._

 _I don't know for how long I sat there, leaning against the wall of Hiccup's hut. The closest I might get to him from now on… A slightly more audible sob escapes me at this thought and I cover my mouth hastily. I wouldn't want Hiccup to hear me, or worth, find me here sobbing in front of his hut. What have I done? How could I let it come to this? Hiccup may very well hate me now and there is nothing I can do about it but give sorry excuses…_

 _Somehow I find the strength to get up and climb down the ladder to the lower platform again from where the last bridge leads to my own hut. As far away from the other huts as possible, only reachable by passing Hiccup's first… It looks lonely to me right now, separate from the others, not a part of them. I pause. Just like me…_

 _I'm not a part of their gang. I never join their fooling around or other fun activities. I'm the one who makes sure everyone follows the rules which makes me a hypocrite… Without my bond to Hiccup I don't belong here anymore…_

 _'Why?' a low voice calls out of the darkness between the wooden beams. Startled I turn around and see Hiccup partly emerging out of the shadows. He keeps his distance though and I can't make out his face in the dark. I stare at him nonetheless, shocked. For how long did he wait here? Wait for me obviously, for no one else would come this way._

 _My heart leaps in reaction to seeing him. Stupid heart! It hasn't realized yet… My lips start to tremble and I cover them with my hand. I briefly close my eyes in an attempt to settle down and it works. When I open them again no tears cloud my vision and my hands tremble just slightly as I lower them to my side, trying to look composed. I don't want him to know how much I am in pieces right now although he probably noticed me crying upstairs…_

 _He just stands there and it dawns on me that he asked me a question. 'W…what?' I manage to get out, stammering._

 _There is an uncomfortable moment of silence before he replies. 'I want to know why.' He says, his voice not unkind but I can practically feel his relentless gaze upon me._

 _'Why?' I ask uncomprehending. 'I told you why she's doing this. This Viggo, she wants to-' Hiccup interrupts me by stepping completely out of the shadows so I can see him shaking his head. He looks tired and worn out._

 _'I understood that. And I see the value in her action although it's way too dangerous...' He states somehow emotionless. 'What I don't understand is why you didn't tell me. You said you wanted to so why didn't you?' At these words now there are emotions in his voice. Sorrow. Betrayal. And Pain. So much pain… My heart clenches excruciatingly and I have to look away. I never wanted to hurt him, never wanted to… I bite the inside of my cheek hard until I can taste blood._

 _'I thought we could trust each other. I trusted you at least but apparently that feeling is not mutual. I just don't understand…' He trails off as his voice turns into a weak whisper. Instead of a heart there is just a gaping hole in my chest now. Of course Hiccup would find a way to blame himself…_

 _'I promised!' I blurt out. I realize there's no reason left to hide anything and I can finally be honest with him. For whatever it may be worth… 'Heather made me vow not to tell anyone and she mentioned you specifically. Ryker is suspicious of her already and her life depends on us fighting her convincingly. She shouldn't have told me either but… The situation onboard of that ship got out of hand. She figured me earnestly fighting her was too dangerous so she let me in on her secret. She made me vow to keep it though.' I spill out everything. 'I'm so sorry…' I add, although I didn't really meant to do that. There is no excuse for what I did. An explanation, maybe, but no excuse…_

 _It takes some time before Hiccup replies and when he does his voice is surprisingly calm. 'You knew since that time on Ryker's ship?' he asks and all I can do as a response is nod in defeat. 'I see' He whispers after a moment, then turns and walks away from me._

 **Dear Diary**

Three days have passed since the events on Glacier Island… Three days in which Hiccup hasn't spoken to me once except that brief conversation we had that first night.

I'm unsure about what to do now. I lost him… Thinking about this hurts and I want to fight for him, whatever it takes. But what is there left for me to do? I told him everything there was to tell. I apologized and explained… But trust is not something one can easily repair by simple deeds and it's his trust I broke and lost.

No, there's nothing for me to do right now but wait. I already thought about leaving, returning to Berk, but I don't think this would be a wise decision. I would never stop wondering… I need to hear him saying it's over. I'm scared of these words but I need to hear them… And I wish he would get it over with, waiting and hoping has never worked out very well for me… But there is no point in trying to push Hiccup for any reaction; I know that all too well.

And so I wait… What make it easier is that Hiccup practically didn't participate in our daily life at all during the last days. So it's not that it's just me he isn't talking to. I can pretend he's gone for a few days although I spot him or Toothless at his hut every now and then. While we ate lunch today the others were talking about his strange behavior. Or rather they were wondering what it was this time that inspired this behavior of his. It surely is not the first time that Hiccup locked himself up in his hut for days. Normally he would surprise us with one of his neck breaking inventions or yet another idea of improvement for the Edge but I honestly doubt that's what he's doing all day. Not after what just happened…

Tuffnut recommended I should go and find out what it is that occupies Hiccup's attention so we could get adequately prepared for whatever it may be. I can't believe he actually suggested that and said so, too. I got a lot of pitiful glances and left. Sometimes I hate dealing with them…

* * *

 _I sit on a stool near the window and watch the night sky and the starlit sea. I learned to love this sight. It's peaceful and calm. Aside from the crushing waves, the wind and the occasional dragon call there is nothing to be heard._

 _On Berk things will be different. There one can't see the ocean like this, without anything else to block the view. And there are noises, too. So many people and animals living cramped together on so little space are bound to be noisy. I'm going to miss the solitude of my hut…_

 _A nock at the door below startles me out of my gloomy thoughts but I have no intentions on answering it. It's probably Tuff again, not courageous enough to bother Hiccup himself. I perk up and look toward the ladder's hole though as I hear him opening the door. I never thought he would be so brash as to get in here uninvited. I grab my axe from its shelf. Tuff is so in for some trouble!_

 _I turn back toward the ladder as I hear Tuff climbing it, ready to give him the shock of his life. But instead of him it's me who's shocked for it's not Tuff's head that appears but Hiccup's._

 _A smile creeps over his face as he sees me standing over him, axe ready. 'I think I'm having a déjà vu.' He says, winking._

 _I stare at him in disbelieve. How can he smile carefree like this and even make a joke? How can he come here like nothing happened after—_

 _THUMP!_

 _I flinch and so does Hiccup, a worried expression on his face now as his eyes follow my axe to the ground. Suddenly there's pain but it is physical pain and it hardly registers in my mind at all. All I register is Hiccup. Hiccup, as he finishes climbing up the ladder. Hiccup, as he hurries toward me and picks up my axe only to cast is aside immediately. Hiccup, as he leads me back toward the stool and kneels in front of me to take a look my foot._

 _It hurts… I wince as Hiccup peels off my boot carefully. It is ruined by a long cut on its side. And by the blood that soaked right through it, of course. He examines my leg and the long cut carefully but all I can concentrate on are his fingers on my skin. I'm positive my leg is not seriously injured. I can still move it and the cut is a shallow one, long but not deep enough to do any real damage. Maybe it'll need a small bandage but that's all. I let Hiccup finish his examination though and savor the moment. His taking care of me like this is more than I expected to occur ever again..._

 _'Wait a moment!' he orders and hurries downstairs. It takes him rather a few minutes but when he returns he carries a bowl of water, a wash cloth and a bandage. I watch him in silence as he carefully cleans the wound and dresses it tightly._

 _'That should do.' He eyes his work pleased but when he looks up at me there's concern in his eyes. 'Are you alright? You look pale. Does it hurt much?' He shakes his head, frowning slightly. 'Why did you let go of you axe anyway? You of all people should know how dangerous that thing is.'_

 _I still can't do anything else but stare at him. He acts so casual, just like he always did. Like I didn't lie to him at all and like he was never angry. Like he didn't just ignore me and refused to talk to me for three whole days, for Odin's sake!_

 _'Astrid?' He asks, anxious now. He raises his hand and places it on my cheek. His fingers are cold from the water and they send an electric jolt through my body. My heart starts to race and my brain begins to work again._

 _'Why are you here?' I manage to ask in a whisper. If he finally made up his mind and wants to break up then why is he so damn friendly?_

 _Hiccup frowns slightly and lowers his hand again. 'Right…' he mumbles. 'I need to talk to you.' Finally… I nod and turn my head to look away._

 _'You see, I thought about it for a while. What you told me…' he continues. 'And I don't think I'm okay with this. I thought about ways to fix this and now I need your help to decide which plan would work out best.' I blink uncomprehending but nod nonetheless. Whatever plans he thought about… What choice is there, really?_

 _'I thought about maybe kidnapping her. That way we could try to talk her out of her insane plan. Without alerting Ryker right away in case we can't convince her...' Hiccup finishes and looks at me questioningly._

 _I meet him with disbelieve. 'What?'_

 _'What what?' he looks puzzled now._

 _'What in Odin's name are you talking about?' I ask upset. Is this really what bothers him? Heather? I get up to walk up and down the room. My leg really hurts by now though and I stop pacing after a few steps and lean against the opposite wall instead._

 _Hiccup gets up, too, and looks after me. 'I'm talking about Heather and how to pull her out of there. Whatever this Viggo is planning, we will find another way to get to him. There's no need for her to risk her life over this._

 _But what are you talking about?' He frowns and adds 'Or rather… not talking about. Are you going to tell me what's bothering you this time or will you keep me in the dark again?' To my surprise he smirks at this. He actually smirks! Did he really just make a joke about me lying to him? I gaze at him disbelievingly. Hiccup, apparently getting uncomfortable, scratches his neck. 'Astrid?' he asks carefully._

 _My eyes sting and I lean back against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. 'I thought…' I whisper, then clear my throat and try anew. 'Hiccup, I thought you were angry at me... I thought that you would hate me and that…' I can't even bring myself to say it out loud. I swallow and close my eyes in anguish._

 _I can hear Hiccup walking toward me. He crosses the room but stops a step or tow away from me. And then there is silence. I try to count the seconds but I feel like my head is spinning around and around… And when Hiccup finally speaks I have a hard time believing my ears._

 _'Astrid, I was never angry at you. Not really…'he says in a low voice and I open my eyes again to look at him. 'I knew for week that you were keeping something from me. I was disappointed at first that you didn't confide in me but then figured it would be something personal. Something about your family perhaps or… I don't know… I thought that you would tell me eventually, when you were ready.' Now his eyes are closed and from his changing expression it looks like he's reliving some memory. 'When you told me that Heather was with us…Somehow nothing made sense anymore. I couldn't understand why you kept this information from me and I wondered whether you ever really trusted me at all.' He looks at me again but instead of accusation, which I would have expected, there is a warm smile on his face. 'And then you told me what happened on Ryker's ship.'_

 _It takes a moment for me to realize that he's finished speaking. I try to remember what exactly I told him that night but I can't see how that conversation made him change his mind. 'But…I lied to you for all this time… And then you wouldn't talk to me… How…' I trail off as he shakes his head._

 _'I know you lied to me. But I already knew that before, even without knowing the truth. I always know when you're lying.' He states matter-of-factly. 'What's important is the reason why you lied to me.'_

 _I bite my lip as I think about what he said. Why did I lie to him? Because he's a terrible actor and because he can hardly be reasoned with once his mind is set? He takes the last step toward me and puts his arms around my waist, drawing me closer._

 _'You lied' he continues. 'because you're a good and honorable person. You kept your promise for one thing. And before you were to put Heather in any greater danger you would rather burden yourself with lies and suffer for it. And I saw you suffering…' He bends over and places a soft kiss on my forehead. 'How could I hate you for this?'_

 _I lean against him and relax slightly. Sometimes Hiccup's analytic mind is a mystery to me but right now I'm grateful for it. Emotions rarely go with logic but for him they do occasionally._

 _We stay like this for some time before I retreat to look at him again. There a still things left to sort out. 'So… you really don't mind me lying to you? Not at all?' I ask with a hint of humor in my voice. I have a hard time believing this even if this is Hiccup I'm talking to… And sure enough Hiccup snorts and rolls his eyes at me._

 _'Hardly!' He admits. 'I actually do prefer you to tell me the truth in any situation. But in this case you had a good reason not to. And as I said, I saw how it tormented you. No need for me to do the same.' At this I smirk at him._

 _'Why then did you refuse to talk to me for three entire days? What was that if not some sort of punishment?' I grumble._

 _Hiccup stares at me in utter confusion. 'I… didn't…' He falls silent for a moment. 'What exactly do you mean by three entire days…?' He asks confused. I raise an eyebrow and he seems to understand. 'Three days?' He asks again then shakes his head in disbelieve._

* * *

 **A/N: There is an additional part of this scene that I won't upload here because of the T-rating. As requested I uploaded it as a seperate story that can be found in my stories or by the name 'Astrid's Diary - The Missing Scenes'.**

* * *

 **Dear Diary**

I honestly shouldn't be surprised. He's Hiccup after all… But can you believe he honestly didn't even realize how much time passed while he was in his personal bubble of thinking and pondering? It seems like when he's in this state he measures time by me looking after him. And since I never came he figured not that much time could have passed.

 _Sure, this darkness outside, that can't be nightfall. I had no dinner so it must be a really dark cloud._

In a way I can totally see him like this. It's adorable somehow but he really needs to learn to take a look out of his bubble. Someday he'll be chief… And he has to learn that things don't always work out as he wishes…

We won't be able to convince Heather of letting go of her plan to lure out this Viggo. She was so determined when I talked to her on Glacier Island, it even frightened me a little. I'm glad she's not seeking blind revenge on Dagur anymore but this might be even more dangerous. I agree with Hiccup on this point. She shouldn't risk her life about this. But unlike Hiccup I understand her, too. For whatever reason this is important to her and that means she won't back down. I'm glad I was able to convince Hiccup of this. But we agreed to keep an eye on her.

The others seemed to be alright with that, too. I don't know what to make of their reaction, really… They act like it's no big deal for Heather to be our spy. But then they never bothered themselves too much over her betrayal either. Or maybe they never believed it in the first place.

In fact their reaction a few days back to Heather and all that's related to her was much smaller than their reaction this morning when Hiccup accompanied me to our common breakfast for the first time in days again. Especially Snotlout and Tuffnut greeted him with broad smiles and punches on his shoulder. Sometimes I think I'll never understand what's in their heads…

 **Edge Of Disaster**

 **Dear Diary**

It's been a few weeks now since the events on Glacier Island and I'm sorry it took me so long to write to you again but not that much happened lately. Hiccup's on island patrol with the Twins right now which, according to experience, takes a little longer so I have some spare time to kill.

We haven't heard anything from Heather or the Dragon Hunters. Apparently they're lying low for a time. Or maybe they're up to something somewhere else. It's all the same to us since it means we have to wait until any news reach us here.

There is one thing I learned from the past events though. Or rather two, I guess. Not lying to Hiccup again would be the first thing. Not for any reason… It's so not worth it…

The second thing would be to stop isolating myself from the rest of the gang. For month now I lived somehow disconnected from them. I mean, yes, we interact in our daily life, talk and work together and share meals and stuff like that. But when it comes to free time activities I preferred to be on my own. This is of course partially due to the fact that none of the others enjoy a good extra training session and I on the other hand don't like to be lazy or do research all the time. But the same goes for them as well. They don't share the same hobbies and interests, not all of them at least. And it's not like they were the best friends before, while we all lived on Berk. The Twins played pranks on everyone, Snotlout made fun of everyone, Fishlegs has always lived isolated somehow and Hiccup was far too busy dealing with everything concerning the dragons. We all had some kind of bond because of our dragons of course but…

After we moved to Dragon's Edge things got different. There's real comradeship amongst the other and while they still remained the same in some points they also grew closer in other. Except for me. I'm the one who preached of teamwork all those years ago but now I'm the only one who's not really a part of the team. I reassured myself that it would be strange for me to join their messing around when I'm also somehow in charge of them as Hiccup's second in command. But that fact didn't prevent Hiccup from joining them on the occasional evening of laughter and lots of mead. I never did… Or rather I tried it once after Hiccup persuaded me to. It was strange and awkward, for everyone, and I never tried again. Well, not until a few weeks ago…

After I realized how separated I was and after it became clear that Hiccup wouldn't banish me from the Edge I decided to put some effort in becoming a part of the team for real. It was a strange experience for everyone I guess but it still works better than I would have thought.

Fishlegs is a friendly enough person and always has been. And talking to him for longer than five minutes is not as bad as I though. It's actually quiet helpful sometimes if one learns how to stop him when he's starting to babble again. He even pointed out a few flaws in my fighting techniques to improve my balance which surprisingly helped a lot. He said he had noticed those flaws years ago but never had the courage to tell me. He might not be a good fighter but knowledge and theories are important, too. And I remember his encounter with the Catastrophic Quaken all these months ago. That was brave indeed especially since Hiccup, who would do almost everything for a dragon's well-being, had already given up on Dark Deep.

And then there is Snotlout… Since Hiccup told me not to take his flirting too serious we get along much better. It's still unnerving but since I know now that he doesn't mean it it's easier for me to ignore it or make fun of it myself. And it is strange but I started to see him with different eyes all together. He's not the immature boy I despised so much for all these years or there's more to him at least. For once he's fiercely loyal to Hiccup, which in fact surprised me. I always assumed he'd hate Hiccup for being in charge while also being weak and clumsy. I mean, I know this is not an accurate description of Hiccup but it somehow was back then and I thought Snotlout would still think that way and despise him for that. But evidently I was wrong. Snotlout has long since accepted Hiccup as leader and puts in a lot of effort to prove himself. I doubt Hiccup himself noticed though… Nevertheless I can accept him as a friend and I have to admit its fun to fool around with him.

Well, that leaves the Twins… Actually they're lost on me somehow… They, too, are trying I guess but I'm still waiting to witness them putting any effort in their work. All they do is play tricks and duck their responsibility. There's not one single incident to put in their favor. I mean when has there ever been an occasion where the tow of them where of invaluable help or even good use? Under the best of circumstances they don't get in our way and that's the best I can say about them… I really don't get how Hiccup is able to stay calm around them.

* * *

 _I close my diary as I hear Hiccup entering my hut and place is quickly back into its hiding place. I don't want him to read this and I'm sure he would if he knew where to find it. There are no hidden secrets between us anymore but this is still personal…_

 _I get up to greet Hiccup as he reaches the top of the ladder but am surprised to find him tired and irritated. 'What happened?' I ask worried. Hiccup is not that easily angered, or well… not as easily as I am at least. But he just sighs and shakes his head._

 _'Just my daily dose of craziness, I guess…' he replies and slumps down on my bed. I smirk. So apparently he can't stay calm around the Twins either. He's just better at hiding his annoyance. I walk over to the bed and seat myself next to him on the bed frame. Hiccup relaxes visibly as I run my fingers through his hair. 'So, what did they do this time?' I ask casually and Hiccup opens one eye to look at me. 'Who said anyone did anything?' I raise an eyebrow at this. What a stupid question…_

 _'Okay, okay. Never mind.' Hiccup sits up again and rests his arms on his knees. 'Tuff came up with an idea to check Toothless' night-vision…hearing…whatever for weaknesses…' He rubs his forehead as if it hurts. 'So they tried to hide and sneak up on us...' I laugh without humor at this. 'So they played hide and seek instead of doing their patrol?' I ask and Hiccup shrugs unnerved. 'Basically, yeah.'_

 _I stand up again and pace up and down the small room, hands balled into fists. 'This is getting more ridiculous by the day!' I finally exclaim. 'How are we supposed to fight Ryker and this Viggo guy if we can't get ourselves to act in concert? Why do they always have to fool around?' I'm fuming. 'You… we have to make sure they get this. This is no game!'_

 _Hiccup watches me thoughtful then shakes his head. 'Astrid' he interrupts my tirade. 'They know how serious our situation is. And they are trying to help!' He sighs. 'Their methods are just… more creative and sometimes a little inappropriate. And nerve-racking…'_

 _'That's a nice way to put it…' I snort. 'When have they ever done anything useful?' I throw up my hands in exasperation. Hiccup looks at me for a moment longer then leans back again, a sly smile on his face. 'Oh, there was this one special occasion a while ago. If I remember correctly then you were genuinely fearing for your life and Ruff managed to procure the key, literally?' he raises an eyebrow at me, still smiling._

 _'I…' I don't know what to say. Hiccup is right of course. I honestly forgot about that part of our time on Ryker's ship. 'Yeah, but… that happened only that one time.' I interject, embarrassed. 'And they managed to thwart our attempt to escape only minutes after that!' Hiccup chuckles. 'Stop laughing at me! I'm trying to be serious here. They hardly contribute anything to our life and you overindulge them!'_

 _Hiccup gets serious and frowns at me for a moment. 'That's how you think about them?' He asks finally before he gets up again and walks over to where I stand. I'm not sure what to expect but I see his lips twitching. When he reaches me he puts his hands on my hips and draws me closer. I feel more than I hear him chuckle as he places a soft kiss on my forehead._

 _'My dear Astrid, always the perfectionist…' he murmurs against my skin and I tremble slightly. Then he adds 'You compare their work to yours… Of course they can only lose that way. If you put it that way no one is worthy of living here with you.' I try to object but he shakes his head at me. 'The Twins are a part of this team just like you and the rest of us. I won't deny that their contribution is less… appreciable then yours but that doesn't mean it's worthless. Their ideas may seem crazy most of the time but you shouldn't reject them right away either._

 _See, what they did today… Looking for weaknesses in our defense, that's not such a bad idea. And what better way is there then to try and overcome our defenses ourselves?' He smirks. 'It's not their fault I had no patience for something like this today, but yours, really. Since I was in a bit of a hurry to get here…' He kisses me lightly but his hold on me tightens, indicating some eagerness on his part._

 _I lean back to look at him again. 'So you let them off the hook that easily just to get laid?' I raise my eyebrows at him and he frowns. 'If you say it like that it doesn't sound so good…' He murmurs. 'But no,' he adds. 'I didn't let them off the hook, as you called it. They got an extra night shift of guard duty up in the northern watch tower.' He says smugly before trying to kiss me again and this time I let him do so._

 **Dear Diary**

What Ruff said earlier… I don't like to admit it but it hit me. I can't deny that there is some truth in what she said and therefore can't ignore the rest either. She was right that I had practically no respect for Fishlegs and especially Snotlout. You know that changed only recently and I'm still not done getting over my former prejudices. When it comes to the Twins… Well after Ruffnut's tirade I thought about what Hiccup said last night. They are trying to help… That's what Ruff said, too.

So Hiccup was right again. I've always been proud of being the most disciplined and diligent one in any situation. Looking at it like that… It's pretty self-righteous to expect the same of the other. Just like Hiccup said, I'm a perfectionist and they most certainly are not. But they are trying, right? That does count for something… I'll try to keep that in mind…

 **Dear Diary**

I have a bad feeling about this! This morning I thought spending 24 hours alone with the Twins would be the worst day in history but honestly since then the day only became more horrible. First Ruff's scolding which I probably deserved. And now she got kidnapped and the Edge is under siege by the Dragon Hunters. And I have no way to contact Hiccup for help. I send for the A-Team but even at the best of circumstances they'll reach us in three days at the earliest. There really are only Tuff and me to defend the Edge and let's be honest our chances aren't good. We spend many hours preparing tonight for whatever good that'll be...

I prepared traps at strategic points to slow down any attackers but I know they can't hold them back for long. I just hope it'll be enough…Tuff spend this time by preparing his tricks… As I said I try to give him a chance but I really don't see how this is going to do us any good…

 **Dear Diary**

I write to you now because it might very well be my last entrance. We spend the whole day fending of smaller attacks by the Hunters and the traps I laid are already used up. We are still going to defend the Edge as long as we can but I'm preparing myself for the possibility that it might not be enough.

Hiccup and the others are gone for more than a day now. He said they'd be back today at the latest but it's already nightfall. I guess they, too, encountered more problems than they thought they would which means this is a well laid trap by Ryker and Dagur.

I'm so done worrying! I'm done thinking about what might happen. I'm done railing against our fate. There's not much left to do anyway. Stormfly might be very well able to carry us both but not over any longer distance and certainly not while breaking through the Hunters' ranks. And there's still Ruffnut. We can't just fly away and leave her with them.

So, we'll fight…

 **Shock And Awe**

 **Dear Diary**

My plan to become a part of the team has been successful so far. I have to say my life has changed for the better during the past weeks. It's embarrassing to admit, but… having friends is great!

always thought I couldn't be friends with such childish and… I don't know… such _people_. Working with them has always been bad enough. But maybe that's the point. Being friends is not about working together. It's about spending time together and having fun together and, yes, also working for the same goal together. I can accept that there are different ways to reach said goal now.

The most important change in my life is actually… having fun. I mean… I had fun before… It's fun to fly and it's fun to be with Hiccup, in more than one way, but aside from that? Training is satisfying, but is it fun as well? I'm not so sure…

These day I laugh much more than I did during the month and even years before. However bad the recent events might have been… The whole matter about Heather and the Edge being under siege again… I'm actually grateful for them because they removed the scales from my eyes.

I probably should have realized that years ago. And maybe I did but somehow smothered it again. My life happens now. There is no fighting now to life later for us. There were many occasions in my past when I thought I had missed my chances. It was about time I learn that lesson.

* * *

 _When I return to my hut, a smug smile on my face, Hiccup is already waiting for me. He grins, too, as I seat myself on the bed next to him._

 _'For how long are you intending to let them stay there?' he asks curiously. 'Mmmhh…' I muse. 'I'm not so sure actually. They can always fly back on their own on Barf and Belch, right? And maybe Snotlout will help them carry their hut back if they give back his axe.'_

 _I can feel Hiccup shaking with silent laughter beside me. 'I seriously doubt that!' He snickers. 'Snotlout would never dare to interfere with your plans. Besides he had far too much fun playing these tricks on them in the first place. No, this is completely up to you' He reclines, arms crossed behind his head. 'I bet they regret ever having explained the concept of trickery to you.'_

 _'Hmm...' I cuddle up to him and he places a soft kiss on my hair. 'I'll think about it in the morning…' I decide._

 **Time To Skrill**

 _'This is not good' I murmur to myself as I watch Hiccup and Toothless fly away, the Skrill hard on their heels. Imprisoning it anew had failed and if there was a backup plan I don't know about it. I look around and see five apprehensive faces looking at me for guidance. But what is left for us to do?_

 _There's no use in staying here. The Skrill detected this trap immediately so why try a second time?_

 _And we can't follow them. Toothless and the Skrill are way too fast for any one of us to keep pace and they're already out of sight anyway._

 _I look to the west where Berk lies beyond the horizon. We could return there and wait for Hiccup or at least a message. But I doubt he's going to return to Berk. He wouldn't want to lead the Skrill back there and he flew in the wrong direction anyway. He flew north…_

 _'We'll return to the Edge.' I decide and earn hesitant nods by Fishlegs and Tuffnut. Spitelout babble unintelligibly but that's no news, really… I would prefer to drop him off on Berk but I decide not to. I don't dare hoping to find Hiccup if we fly after him to the north but I just can't waste this chance either. And the sooner we get to the Edge the better._

* * *

 _When we reach the Edge it's already past dawn. We flew the whole night without rest and I know everyone is dead on his feet, especially our dragons. 'Everyone, to the stables! Let the dragons rest. We'll follow in a minute.' I pat Stormfly's neck as an apology. 'I'm sorry, girl.' I steer her toward Hiccup's hut and let her return to the stables after I dismounted. Heart pounding, I enter the hut hoping to find him there but it's empty. Stupid! I think to myself. Surely he would have noticed our arrival. Sighing I leave the hut again and walk back to the stables. I check the Club House on the way as well but it, too, is empty._

 _When I reach the stables Fishlegs and the Twins are already waiting for me. 'Spitelout took care of Stormfly.' Fishlegs informs me and I nod. Spitelout knows how to treat a Nadder, I've got to hand it to him. 'So, what's next?' Fishlegs asks. Nothing about whether I found Hiccup but the answer is probably obvious._

 _'I don't know…' I sigh. 'We ought to look for them but I've no idea where to start.' I admit defeated. Tuffnut squints past me. 'Well, I have.' He states matter-of-factly. 'An idea where to look for Hiccup, I mean. That is, I guess he's on Toothless' back.' I glare at him. 'Oh, really?' I ask sarcastically but he just nods. 'Really.' He adds and lifts his arm to point into the sky behind me. 'See?'_

* * *

 _All our dragons are exhausted by the long rides we made the past days so we decided to let them rest for a few hours at least. And we Vikings need rest, too. Right now we're all sitting around the table in our Club House and share a simple meal. Well, all except Hiccup that is…_

 _When we agreed to eat he refused, mumbling something about some work he had to do. He was really struck down… I hate to admit it, but… As much as Ruff's and Tuff's reactions to Hiccup's confessions were exaggerated they portrayed pretty well how I felt myself. I've never seen Hiccup distraught like that before. He always knows how to fix things... And it looks like the rest of the gang feels the same way._

 _When Fishlegs came up with his idea earlier about how to find the Skrill Hiccup seemed alright enough again but now… Having Hiccup as our always venturous leader at a loss of ideas… Well, it wears down everyone. I'm not the only one to pick at my food gloomily. Spitelout, who took Hiccup's empty seat beside me, is the only one talking. If one can even call his gibberish talking… Even Snotlout stopped translating._

 _'Harugh whara harh ha!' Spitelout calls out, looking around at every one of us and then slumps down frustrated. Fishlegs throws me a meaningful look behind his back, referring to the food and I nod. I place some of the dried fish, a slice of bread and two apples on a plate and leave the Club House. I can hear Spitelout calling an incoherent question after me but for once he gets quieted by his son._

 _When I pass Snotlout's hut I can already hear what I feared to hear. Angry pounding of metal against metal. So Hiccup does what he always does when he's angry at himself. He lets off steam, literally, by working his butt off in the forge. And sure enough when I walk around the corner to his small forge I find him there, shirt soaked in sweat but still torturing his body relentlessly._

 _I stop and watch him for a while, unsure what to do. I know from experience that it's no good to try and interrupt him when he's like this. He would simply ignore me and then be even angrier at himself for doing so. But I am lucky, for while I still ponder my options Hiccup pauses, propping himself on the work bench, head bowed. 'I know you're there, Astrid.' He says without turning toward me. Sighing I walk toward him, place the plate with the food on the bench beside him and seat myself on a rock. And wait._

 _A few moments pass before Hiccup says 'Thanks' in a monotonous voice. 'You're welcome!' I reply and keep waiting, but Hiccup does neither move nor say anything else. I sigh inwardly. For the gentle person he is otherwise he can be surprisingly bullheaded occasionally._

 _'So, what are you working on?' I ask, gesturing to the metal rods lying piled on the work bench. Talking about his work is usually the one thing that works in situations like this. And today is no different._

 _'Those are for Toothless' tail.' He explains. 'That Skrill practically destroyed the old ones. Lightning and metal, remember?' I nod and grimace, remembering this lesson all too well. Then I look at the rods again, more skeptical. 'And how many tails are you planning to make in advance? Those must be enough for at least seven and your forge is still working…' I watch Hiccup closely as he presses his lips together before he finally relaxes._

 _'Astrid…' he says reluctantly. 'I need to do this…'_

 _'I know!' I interrupt him. 'I know you do. And you know perfectly well that I wouldn't bother you without a reason. I would even massage all the knots out of your strained muscles later if necessary.' This makes him smile slightly. At least…_

 _Finally he moves, turns toward me and looks at me. 'But…?' he asks. 'But we don't have time for this right now!' I reply. 'We need to get the Skrill away from Dagur and we need you to focus.'_

 _Hiccup's face darkens again. 'You don't need me.' He states. There we go… I think to myself. 'What makes you think that?' I ask quietly. I fear having been to forward as Hiccup crosses his arms in front of him and turns away but after a moment he begins to talk again._

 _'I endangered you.' He says bitterly. 'The Skrill was just after Toothless and me but all of you and Berk and even the Outcasts had to pay for it. I let it lock us up in that ice cave and left you all to fight it on your own. I wasn't even clever enough to trap this dragon! And then I gave it to Dagur and Ryker of all people. Why not hand them over the whole archipelago immediately, with bow and all…' He shakes his head angrily. 'You hardly need me on this mission!' I can hear what he did not say. Or at all! It is written on his face and sounds like an echo in my head, too._

 _'Hiccup…' I say hesitantly. I need to choose my words carefully… 'You are our leader and nothing can change that. You made a mistake, so what? Even you are only human! This was hardly the first mistake you ever made and I bet it wasn't the last either but that's not the point.'_

 _'No, you're right!' He interrupts me. 'That's not the point. The point is that I made far too many mistakes lately.' He closes his eyes and shudders lightly. 'I still see you falling off Toothless' back and getting caught by that chain.' He adds in a low voice and despite everything I smile._

 _I get up and walk over to him. I stop in front of him and wait until he opens his eyes again to look at me. 'The point is how we fix this mistake!' I say empathically. 'We all were there to trap the Skrill and we all failed in this.'_

 _'Yeah, but it was just me who led it to the Hunters.' He interjects._

 _I shake my head, again. 'There is no_ just you _here, Hiccup. We're a team, remember?' He frowns at me and then leans against the bench. He looks at me strangely for a moment longer and then chuckles silently. 'Guess I deserved that…' he mumbles._

 _I sigh in relieve and seat myself next to him. 'So, you're on board again?' I ask as Hiccup reaches for an apple. 'Do I have a choice?' he asks before biting into it. I'm about to add 'Not really' as we hear another voice calling to us from the other side of the hut._

 _'Whatever the two of you are doing, you better stop. I'm coming.' Only a second later Snotlout appears at the corner, hands raised as if to cover his eyes if it weren't for the inch-wide gabs between his fingers. 'Oh, damn!' he exclaims as he finds us seated decently on the work bench._

 _I raise an eyebrow at him while Hiccup looks in mock bewilderment from his apple to Snotlout and back again._

 **Dear Diary**

This was… different. You and I know this was not the first time Hiccup made a mistake and surely not the first time he worked till he dropped as kind of a punishment, but… I don't know how to describe it…

I mean, Fishlegs' plan worked out pretty well in the end. We managed to free the Skrill and teach Ryker a lesson at a single blow. Plus I support Hiccup's decision to not lock it up again. It really seems to be a quiet intelligent beast and it wouldn't be fair to imprison it just like that. And who knows, maybe we'll meet it again someday. What bothers me though is the fact, that Hiccup was pensive for days afterward even though all of this worked out well, better actually than I would've thought.

I talked to him about it or tried to at least. He wasn't very talkative though… He just mumbled something like _'Nothing to worry for now…'_ and kept working.

Somehow this incident hit him harder then I can see or understand. Maybe it is about what he told me the other day. That he made too many mistakes lately. Only that he was the only one blaming him, really… He's back to normal again but there's something…

It's like an invisible weight is pressing him down inwardly and I have no idea how to help him…

 **Maces and Talons**

 **Dear Diary**

These weeks we get a whole lot more of Terror Air Mail from Heather. Apparently she found a way to inform us without raising suspicion. She tells us where Ryker and his men are going and when the best time for an ambush would be to free as many dragons as possible. So that's what we do. I bet Ryker is getting pretty angry and I can only hope he doesn't suspect Heather…

She warned us to keep fighter her for as real as possible. I'm not so sure anymore whether leaving her with the Hunters was such a good idea… I don't want to fight her or for anyone to get hurt because of this. I would be to blame for letting all this happen…

* * *

 _Fuming I leave the stables. Why can't Tuff and Snotlout be serious for even a minute? This is not the time for fooling around! And Hiccup! How can he be so calm? The point is not whether Heather would go for it! The point is that we shouldn't leave her a chance!_

 _A heavy spurt of flames greats me on the landing platform, almost singing my hair. 'What in Odin's name-?' I exclaim before seeing Ruffnut dealing with Hookfang. 'What are you doing there? Are you actually trying to turn me into a roast?' I yell but Ruffnut just looks at me baffled for a moment. 'Wouldn't be worth the effort, eh?' She then answers snickering. I glare at her for a moment before turning around and stomping up the bridge._

 _The sun already set and it is getting darker by the minute as I walk aimlessly through the woods and try to calm down. I am angry but mostly at myself. It's not Snotlout's, Tuff's or Ruff's fault and not even Hiccup's either. Apparently I was more convincing than I like. Hiccup's logic doesn't help me in this though. This fight today was worse than the ones we had before. Snotlout and Ruffnut were thrown from their dragons and I had to actually attack Windshear in order to keep up appearances. But of course Hiccup is right… Heather wouldn't go for it even if we tried to pull her out of there right now. It was me after all who put a lot of effort into convincing him of this. And the situation hasn't changed, really. On the contrary she seems positive to get closer to this Viggo by the day. Hiccup seems reassured, too. Since she has been safe so far he stopped worrying over her a while ago. He, too, is eager for her to get to Viggo. And I should be, too, I know that. This is our big chance to finally get rid of the Dragon Hunters once and for all. I just wish there was another way then endangering one of us. Because that's what Heather is. She's one of us whether she lives here or not. If she doesn't get to Viggo soon than I have to do_ something _!_

 _I end up on a cliff above the Edge, lying on my back and watching the night sky once again. Nothing calms me down like this sight. Or almost nothing… The rustling sound of wings forewarns me and sure enough Hiccup lies down next to me just moments later. His hand finds mine and I relax noticeably as our fingers intertwine._

 _'What brings you here?' I ask only partially interested. He's here and that's all that matters. But Hiccup grumbles unnerved and mumble something about… a boar? 'What was that?' I ask, more interested now. He sighs. 'Ruff tried to train Hookfang, out of boredom or whatever, and that ended with one of their boars rummaging through my hut. I had to get away…' He trails off but I can hear the humor in his voice. It's always better to meet the Twins' insanity with humor… I chuckle and after a moment Hiccup joins in, too._

 _After that neither of us speaks for a while and it's just him and me and the countless stars above us._

 _'You're better?' he finally asks, startling me. I nod before I realize he probably can't see this. 'Yeah…' I add reluctantly. 'In some ways at least.' I hesitate briefly. 'Deep down I know she wouldn't come with us. She could have done so at any time if it were what she wanted to do. I just wish things were different! I have a bad feeling about this, like something was off today somehow…' I shake my head. In the end that's what bothers me. This feeling as if something wasn't right without being able to put a finger on it._

 _'You're right.' Hiccup agrees to my astonishment. 'Something was off today. Somehow it was too easy despite the fierce fighting. I was worried when they caught Ruff and Hookfang but then it almost seemed like they let her escape. Even with Snot and Tuff there it would have been easy for them to capture them all. It seemed like they were waiting for something. Something that never happened…' He trails off and I can feel the panic rising inside me._

 _'You think they tested her?' I ask worried but Hiccup negates this. 'She was busy chasing you down at that time. If they wanted to test her it was poorly timed indeed.' He shakes his head, which I can rather guess then see. 'Maybe I'm just imagining things…' Hiccup moves beside me, rolling over on his side and propping himself up on his elbow to look at me. 'I'm worried, too.' He states. 'But there's nothing we can do but wait. We wouldn't even know where to look for her…' He adds murmuring as his free hand reaches for my face and caresses my cheek._

 _'Mmmhh…' I close my eyes and lean into his touch. 'I know…' I mumble before I reach up to draw him down toward me. He complies and leans down to kiss me, soft and playful. Not what I want, what I need right now. I draw him closer and he gasps as I wrap one leg around his waist. But then he chuckles and obeys, pinning me to the ground with his weight while kissing me more fervid now. I sigh against his lips and let my hands wander up and down his back, caressing him, holding him, clinging to him. He supports himself with only one arm as the other one glides beneath my shirt, pushing it upward in the process. My heart is racing and I gasp as his fingers graze my breast._

 _'Hiccup? Astrid?' A high pitched voice suddenly calls through the night and I freeze. 'Where are you guys? Hello?' It's Fishlegs and he's looking for us!_

 _I try to get up but Hiccup wouldn't let me. 'Ignore him!' he growls and starts to kiss his way down my neck. I shiver and recline, tending toward doing just that as Fishlegs calls out again. 'Hello? Hiccup? You need to see this! Astrid? Hallo?' He's getting closer and now I can hear the humming sound of Meatlug's wings, too. Toothless jumps out of the shadows where he rested toward the cliff's edge and calls out a greeting. Groaning unnerved Hiccup rolls to the side and mumbles 'This better be really important…' and I can only agree. If Fishlegs simply discovered something new in the Dragon Eye I'm probably going to hit him on the head with it…_

 _In the next moment Fishlegs and Meatlug appear at the cliff and I push down my shirt hastily. 'Oh, thank Thor! There you are. A Terror arrived just now. Heather wants to meet the two of you immediately!'_

 **Dear Diary**

Finally Heather has met this Viggo Grimborn and we can lure him into a trap. Actually she already planned it all out and we just have to prepare everything accordingly. It's almost too easy, really. Viggo wants Heather to lead him to a Flightmare, for whatever reason. But apparently Viggo doesn't trust his men with this and won't bring any of them. We're going to have an easy time capturing him this way.

And then, finally, this nightmare will be over. Heather will be safe and maybe even come to life here. And without their leader the Dragon Hunters won't pose a thread anymore, not to us and not to any other dragons either.

I'm so excited! We'll leave right away for the island Heather pointed out to us as soon as the rest of the gang gets ready.

 **Dear Diary**

This is a mess… I just reread my last entry and… I just can't believe how everything went wrong like this!

There is hardly another way to put this, really. Everything went wrong… Well, almost… Viggo laid this trap for us rather than the other way around and he captured Heather and the Flightmare. They even invaded the Edge and would have gotten hold of the Dragon Eye as well if it weren't for the Twins who coincidentally had taken it from its hiding place earlier.

But they invaded the Edge nonetheless… That makes it even more personal somehow. The Hunters were here, even in this very room. They rummaged through all our things, weapons, clothes, personal stuff, looking everywhere. Many parts of our equipment got damaged or even destroyed and it will take some time until everything is back as it was. Or maybe it never will. This room still doesn't feel the same…

We're all distraught over this but Hiccup is devastated… He blames himself for letting Viggo outthink us, outthink him. You remember how upset he was after this incident with the Skrill? These days it is so much worse! He doesn't work in his forge again which seemed to be a good thing in the beginning yet I somehow wish he would do so regardless.

Whenever he worked his butt of there always was a point where he had to stop, too. It is horrible to watch him work until he breaks down but at least it has an end. These days Hiccup just sits in his hut and stares at the wall, brooding and pondering. He won't talk and wouldn't eat either if I wouldn't force him to. He acts that way for two days now. This morning I found him past out on the floor where he must have fallen asleep last night after brooding for hours. Today then I was at least able to talk him into going to bed so I hope he's going to be normal again by tomorrow. Or, well… more normal…

But this Viggo… Hiccup is probably right. We won't stand a chance if we just storm in on him like we usually do. But I'm not sure whether we're going to find another solution… And we have to get Heather out of there! If it weren't for us she wouldn't be in this situation.

* * *

 _I leave my hut and stretch to wake up my muscles, too. It is early morning and the sun has yet to rise. Gloomily I let my gaze wander over what became our home during the past month. We cleaned up every visible sign of the Hunters' invasion but it's still not the same anymore._

 _My gaze comes to rest on Hiccup's hut and I consider looking after him. However I decide not to and take the walk down the stairs beneath my hut to get to the stables. I don't want to wake anyone and I especially don't want to deal with Hiccup right now. It doesn't do any one of us any good when I treat him like a child, even though he behaves like one occasionally. He can't act all offended and mope around whenever thing don't go his way. Especially not when there are more important things to do. Like rescuing Heather and Windshear…_

 _Hiccup ordered us to stay on Outpost Island and not to undertake any unnecessary rides. We all obeyed even though it doesn't make any sense to me, really. Does he fear the Hunters could still be here somewhere? Wouldn't it be better if we then found them instead of letting them stay on our island? This order is so much like Stoick grounding our dragons all those years ago, when we formed the dragon flight club. It was wrong then and it is wrong now. I bed Hiccup wouldn't like to hear this…_

 _When I reach the stables I grab one of the always ready fish baskets and carry it inside. Stormfly could go hunting on her own but it seems like she doesn't want to. Not since I don't accompany her at all anymore._

 _'Hey, Stormfly.' I greet her as I reach her box. 'I brought you some-' I meant to say breakfast but to my surprise Stormfly's head is already tucked into a basket just like the one I'm carrying. Startled I drop mine as I sense some movement behind me. Could it actually be one of the Hunters? Did he give Stormfly drugged fish? I spin around, ready to attack – and relax. Hiccup is leaning against the back wall, watching me intently._

 _'Hiccup? What…' I trail off and look at him in puzzlement. He pushes himself off the wall and walks toward me reluctantly, scratching his neck as if slightly embarrassed._

 _'Yeah, I already fed her.' He confirms the obvious while petting her head lightly. 'Thought that would safe us some time later…' I still don't see where he's getting and frown. Hiccup clears his throat before he starts to explain himself._

 _'I… I want you to... ahm… wanted to ask you whether you would… accompany me. And since I thought you still asleep I came here first, because…' – 'because of course I'll accompany you!' I interrupt him sighing. 'Since the very idea of letting fly off on your own is ridiculous. Where are we going?'_

 _Hiccup stares at me dumbfounded for a moment. Then he chuckles and I smile in relieve. It is good to see him like this again. I pick up the basket again and carry it toward Hookfang's box. The poor dragon has to endure Snotlout after all. He deserves a bonus now and then._

 _I'm not really surprised when Hiccup suddenly puts his arms around me. I lean back against him and place my hands over his. 'I'm sorry' he mumbles into my hair. 'for being a jerk.' I simply nod at this. Yes, he behaved like a jerk, but it's okay… somehow. 'I saw you guys cleaned up everything.' He adds. 'I should've helped you. I was just so… I couldn't think of anything but Heather and Viggo and…' he trails off as I struggle to turn around in his arms._

 _'A statement like this could inspire jealousy, you know?' Hiccup blushes endearingly and I laugh. 'Lucky for you you're talking to me.' – 'Yay, lucky me…' He interjects but I just keep talking. 'And as long as your pondering led to a solution to this mess, I might forgive you.' Hiccup flinches uncomfortable. 'Aaaand there goes my luck…' I frown at him. 'Where was it again you wanted to fly?'_

 _Hiccup sighs and closes his eyes. 'I don't know what to do…' he admits. 'I tried to think through every possibility but… But how do you outthink a guy like this Viggo? He's clever and obviously quiet experiences in manipulating people. We don't know enough about him! And that's why I want to fly back to his ship. Hopefully he left something there to work with…'_

 _'Alright!' I nod in agreement. 'Let's leave a note at the Club House and as soon as Stormfly is done eating we can get started.' Hiccup looks at me in confusion. 'Leave a note…?' he asks and I roll my eyes at him. 'So the others don't worry about us and know where to look for us in case we won't return as planed…?' I suggest but Hiccup just shrugs._

 _'Well, okay, that's not such a bad idea… '_

 **Dear Diary**

It looks like we actually overlooked something the first time we searched Viggo's ship. But then, we also were in a hurry to return to the Edge at that time. Or Viggo returned to strategically place this clue for Hiccup. I don't know but by now there's nothing I put past this man…

So Hiccup found this game of Maces and Talons. I understand this as a provocation. Viggo is challenging Hiccup's abilities using Heather as bait. Of course we can't ignore this but I have a bad feeling…

Hiccup brought the board to the cave Snotlout and Tuff found the other day. It is the one place we can be sure the Hunters don't know about. We also found a map hidden in a secret compartment that apparently shows the way to Viggo's island. It is possible, that someone put it in there without Viggo knowing about it, maybe even Heather. But I doubt it somehow and so does Hiccup. When we decide to fly there Viggo will be waiting for us. Hiccup is thinking it through right now but he set himself a time limit, thank Odin. We'll get going at sundown and hopefully will return tomorrow complete.

 **Dear Diary**

So, Heather is free… And we all returned to the Edge without harms or injuries… Those are good things! It could have been worse…

But Viggo has the Dragon Eye now. He can't use it without the key but still… We have to get it back!

* * *

 **So, that it...I'm sorry for the short ending but htat's just how this episode is... There's going to be more in the next chapter :)  
**

 **Please leave a review and let me know what you think. It means so much to me!**


	9. Interlude (Between S2 S3)

**A/N** **: I am, again, very sorry this chapter took me so very long! I had a lot to think about according to this story and I needed to work through this before I even could start writing. The thing is, when I came up with this story in November 2016, I was only half way through watching RTTE season 3 and was honestly convinced the show would end with that season. Which is why I came up with the original version, that would have ended somewhere in the middle of season 3 with an additional chapter taking place a few days before HTTYD 2. And while I was writing all these chapters I was soo looking forward to writing these two last chapters, as they contain some scenes like a certain knee fall and a certain talk to a certain elder.**

 **But when the time came to get started with those I just couldn't do it. There was this review from Smoe05 (and thanks a lot for that one!) that all but smashed this idea into my head. Would it be possible to convert this storyline into the new canon? I rewatched season 3 and 4 about… three to five times to see whether my idea would work within that frame and I think it does. In a way, it does fit the second half of season 3 much better since I practically ignored it before, not able to see a sense in it then.**

 **So this is how I'm going to continue this storyline and it is going to be much longer than I originally intended for this chapter alone takes place only in the months-long break between season 2 and season 3. It is hopefully an adequate compensation for the rather abrupt ending of the last season 2-chapter. And hopefully, I'll be able to continue writing much faster now that I know how to proceed.**

 **I still want to write the original ending to my story but I'm going to release it separately as 'Astrid's Diary – The Alternative Ending' or something like that and I don't know when I'll have the time to do so...**

 **But now: have... erm... 'fun' reading and please leave a review for they mean a lot to me.**

* * *

 **Interlude (Between S2 + S3)**

 **Dear Diary**

It's been three days since we got Heather out of Viggo's grip and we still haven't heard from her yet. I'm worried… I mean, she did escape, right? She helped us scare away the Flightmare and after that fight, Viggo and his men were long gone. I don't see how he could have captured her again.

And it surely wouldn't be the first time she simply flew up and away without telling anyone… I just hoped she would stay this time. Or say anything, at least. If only I knew for sure that she's alright…

…

Of course, it's also been three days since we lost the Dragon Eye to Viggo… As you can imagine Hiccup holed up in his hut again after that. And actually… this time I didn't even try to get him out of this. Ugh, that sounds horrible…

What I mean is… Well, we're all distressed after this episode with Viggo. We endured setbacks before but this… this was different! This was a mission we planned in advance. We were prepared for traps and tricks, even practiced new attacks in advance. But in the end, nothing of this did us any good. Because let's be honest. We didn't free Heather. Somehow she freed herself. Maybe we were of some help as a distraction but in that case, there was no need for us to get involved in the fighting like this. Looking at it that way, the loss of the Dragon Eye was highly unnecessary.

I guess Hiccup sees that, too, so I have no idea how to make him feel better. And don't look at me like that, you stupid book. That's not what I mean!

Great… now I'm talking to a book… I guess that sums up pretty well how distraught we all are… But that's just what I mean. I get why Hiccup acts like this. He needs this time to think and will come around eventually.

 **Dear Diary**

Today I had an idea about how to contact Heather. Or get any information about her at least. I guess she doesn't want to get in contact with us or she would have shown up here by now… But if she's out there on her own again she needs supplies! And Trader Johann was some sort of ally of her's, right? I mean he even tried to deny Hiccup any information about her, back then when we found out about her being Dagur's sister. There sure was some sort of loyalty between those two.

So just now I send a Terror to Johann, asking him whether he heard anything about her. I assured him that I'm just worried and want to know if she's alright. If Heather should actually trust Johann enough to contact him, I'm sure he wouldn't betray her whereabouts just like that. But knowing that she's alright would be enough for me…

 **Dear Diary**

This morning I finally got a message from Trader Johann. As expected he wouldn't tell me where to find Heather but that's just fine. She's alright and that's all I needed to know. During breakfast just now I told the news to rest of the gang, too, and they're all just as relieved as I am. Especially Fishlegs is delighted and hums to himself ever since.

Hiccup wasn't there, though… He's still holed up in his hut. It's been a week now… A week where he wouldn't eat, wouldn't talk, wouldn't rest, unless I made him to. Yesterday we all woke up to him working in his forge and I so hoped he would work it all off his chest. But apparently, it wasn't enough… He worked all day without a break, not allowing himself to be interrupted, even for a minute. And I tried… I really did! I even… oh, never mind…

In the end, I left Hiccup with Toothless to watch over him and spend the day training in the dome. This setting worked out pretty well during the last days… Toothless would alert me if something happened to Hiccup, like, if he broke down again or something. And that's just what happened, of course. Toothless called out and Stormfly was at my side in an instant to carry me up to Hiccup's hut. It is amazing, watching our dragons work in sync like this. It seems like Stormfly is just as worried for Hiccup as Toothless and I are. She might not understand what's going on, not in the way Toothless does, but she knows there's _something_ wrong… Never even trying to coax me into flying with her and staying close to the Edge, just in case.

Ah, but I'm trailing off again… I just so don't want to deal with this… When Stormfly and I reached the forge then, I found Hiccup sitting on the ground, right arm clutched to his chest and just staring catatonically into the air. It turned out he burned himself some way or other. How he managed that is beyond me, though… Being careful while working in a forge is the first thing every smith learns or he wouldn't make it. And Hiccup of all people learned that lesson well.

He's not badly injured… Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to be so calm about it. But it shows just how distraught he is. As far as I know he never burned himself in a forge before. Never!

With fire-breathing dragons everywhere around us, we're actually quite accustomed to burns so I took care of his wound, of course. Or rather, I tried to… Somewhere in the middle of me applying the ointment to his burned flesh he… _woke up_ and all but kicked me out of his hut. I know Hiccup… well enough so, to not take this too personal. I just wish he would get it over with. We decided to start looking for Viggo and his Hunters today and I hope he'll participate.

Ah, but I better go now… Maybe I really just have to ask whether he'll join the search. But I need to check on him anyway, tell him the news about Heather, too, take a look at his burn and make sure he ate anything. As long as he lets me, of course…

* * *

 _When I reach Hiccup's hut I enter without knocking first. He wouldn't react anyway or tell me to leave at best. Inside it is dark, all shutters closed. My eyes need a moment to adjust before I close the entrance again and start looking for him. 'Hiccup? It's me.' I call out when it becomes clear he's not down here in his workshop. I get no answer but then I didn't expect one, really. Sighing I climb the ladder to his bedchamber. He could be out flying, I guess. But as much as I would like that, I highly doubt it._

 _And sure enough, I find him there, sitting on a stool and bare back toward me. He is bent over, head bowed and arms resting on his knees. Seeing him like this makes me gulp down the rising lump in my throat. Like everyone else, I became quite accustomed to Hiccup the confident future chief and although I may be the only person to whom he ever showed glimpses of his weaker sides during the last years I am not accustomed to it. Not at all!_

 _'_ _I'm fine. You may very well leave again.' He says in a low voice. I shiver at the emotionless sound of it and step closer despite his words. He sighs. 'I ate and I can take care of that burn myself, thank you very much.' He adds a little exasperated. 'Now, would you…?' He waves a hand indicating the ladder without turning toward me. I swallow hard at his words but don't respond to them. They hurt, though not because they actually hit me but rather because I can only begin to imagine how deeply hurt he must be to lash out like that. I take the last step toward him and place my hand on his bare shoulder. He flinches and shies away from the touch. He whirls around and steps back._

 _'_ _I said LEAVE!' he yells._

 _I stay where I am, unmoving and just look at him. I'm not afraid of him, however bad his mood might be although he seems to be in an especially horrible one…_

 _After a few moments, though, he slumps down again on his bed, face buried in his hands. I'm not sure what to do. Instead of getting better his mood got even worse since yesterday. I so badly want to help him but I'm not really sure how to do that. I'm not much practiced at comforting anyone…_

 _Hesitantly, I walk over to him again, grabbing the ointment and a clean bandage from the shelf and sit down at his side. I reach out for his arm but don't touch him, hand hanging in the air. 'May I?' I ask as calmly as I can muster and wait. Hiccup takes a ragged breath and then extends his arm toward me. When he touches my outstretched hand I can feel him trembling beneath my fingers. I try to steady him as I examine the burn. In this dimming light, I can't see much of his wound but it doesn't seem to be too bad. As I apply the ointment he shakes noticeable but doesn't say a word. I doubt it's in pain, though… After I carefully dressed the wound to keep it clean I hold on to his arm a little longer than necessary, letting my hand glide down to his and trying to intertwine our fingers. Hiccup sees through my poor attempt, though, and withdraws his arm from my hands. A pang of rejection shoots through me but I try to smother it immediately. I let my hands sink into my lap, however, hiding the fact that they're trembling as well._

 _'_ _Thanks' Hiccup murmurs after a few moments. 'For the care-taking…' He lifts his arm half-heartedly, his eyes still not meeting mine. I examine him for a moment before answering 'You're welcome.' in a voice almost as monotone as his. I wait for him to say more but he doesn't._

 _I try to come up with an idea how to reach him, how to get him talking at least. I'm pretty sure that would help. Talking, screaming, crying, yelling, anything. Everything would be better than this unbearable silence, knowing he just keeps tormenting himself inside his head._

 _'_ _Heather is alright by the way.' I say, hoping this good news may help. But he stays almost as silent as before, only nods and states 'I know.' just as monotone as before. I get up and walk toward the door, suddenly having enough of this. If he insists upon keeping up this charade then I'll let him do so. It will be harder but Fishlegs and I can organize the search for Viggo and the Dragon Eye ourselves._

 _I reach and open the door but stop on the doorway again as what he said clicks into place. I whirl around and stare at his form, even more slumped down than just moments ago. '_ You know _?' I ask, half shrieking. He flinches at the accusation in my voice but nods again, shrugging. I stare at him uncomprehending. How did he already know about Heather? Did he get a Terror and didn't tell us? Narrowing my eyes I take a step back towards him. If that should be the case then I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time. I'm going to punch him!_

 _Hiccup looks up at me fleetingly and cringes as he sees the anger plain on my face and lifts his hands pleadingly. 'I… I overheard you telling the others, earlier at the clubhouse.' He explains hastily and I blink, confused. Dragon's Edge is not that big a place but surely he can't have heard me talking over here. Then my eyes widen as it dawns on me what that means._

 _'_ _You were there?' I ask, whispering. 'At the clubhouse?' Hiccup lowers his head, ashamed, and nods in defeat._

 _'_ _Yeah…' He whispers. 'I thought I could… carry on. With everything…' He continues, voice halting. 'I know we have to find Viggo. We have to look for him and get the Dragon Eye back.' He hesitates and I can see pain, guilt, and shame on his face now. Hesitantly I step back toward him, not sure I really want to hear what he's going to say next. 'Then I heard you guys talking…' His voice is almost inaudible now. 'I heard you laughing and joking and…' He takes another ragged breath. 'And I just couldn't join you.'_

 _I gaze at him for a moment, eyes stinging with unshed tears. The past week was not a happy one, for none of us. We were all in shock and disappointed and worried. Only learning that Heather was, in fact, alright lightened our mood for a short while and Hiccup chose this of all moments to try and break out of his misery. I kneel down in front of him, trying to catch his gaze as I look for anything to tell him, to lighten his inner struggle. But I'm not good with words, I never was, and so I reach out to caress his cheek instead. And for a moment that seems to have been the right thing to do for Hiccup leans into the touch almost desperately. But then his expression changes into one of anguish and pain and he recoils, away from my touch. I let my hand sink down again, not wanting to cause any more harm._

 _'_ _I can't do this, Astrid.' Hiccup whispers. 'I can't go on like nothing happened. I failed! I made too many mistakes and now all the dragons everywhere are in danger because of me! And who knows what else Viggo has in mind? I can't keep on making decisions that put you in danger. All of you…' He trails off, shaking all over now._

 _I so badly want to touch him, to hug and comfort him. Seeing him like this is tearing me apart, especially since I simply don't know how to help him. I got him talking so that counts for something. I should probably try to keep up the conversation. And try to get some sense into him…_

 _'_ _Hiccup…' I start hesitantly. 'Do you remember that Thawfest a few years back? You know, the first time when we included our dragons?' I know he does and for multiple reasons, too. And sure enough, I can see a small smile tugging at his lips._

 _'_ _Sure' he answers, slightly more vivid now. 'The last time you kissed me, back then.' This seems to trigger another thought, though, for his small smile turns into a pained expression again. I take a breath and pretend not to have noticed this._

 _'_ _Do you remember what I said back then, too?' I ask eyes fixed on what I can see of his face with his head still bowed. He grimaces for a moment before he composes himself again. 'You said many things…' he answers evasively. I get up again and walk through the room to lean against the wall there, where I can still watch him. I intended to give him time to think, to wait until he answers me properly but, again, he doesn't. He just stays silent again._

 _Maybe he knows what I mean. Maybe he insists upon playing ignorant. Or maybe he really is too caught up in his inner struggle to think clearly. But the fact that he's not even trying makes me angry! 'I said' I say arms crossed and emphasizing every word. 'that I always like you for being a gracious loser. And I'm glad you learned to be a gracious winner, too, by now. But then, you surely had a lot of opportunities to practice over the years.' For the first time today, Hiccup lifts his eyes to mine and actually looks at me, in his eyes curiosity and… fear? 'Too bad, it turned you into a lousy loser in the process.' I finish my lecture. I don't know if it was a good idea to_ _lash_ _out at him like that but I don't know what else to do anymore. And maybe it actually wasn't the worst thing to do…_

 _Hiccup gets up, suddenly full of energy again. He doesn't get any closer toward me, but his gaze burns into mine. 'This is not a game!' he yells. 'This is real! How many dragons will get caught, sold or killed because of me? How many people will get hurt or killed in the process?' – 'It's not you, who does these things.' I interrupt him, also shouting. 'It's Viggo! And that's why we have to stop him.' But Hiccup just shakes his head. 'We can't! You were there, you know what happened. He took Heather to get to me. She could be dead_ because of me _! Or anyone else could be._ You _could-' he chokes on his words and my eyes soften slightly._

 _'_ _Hiccup…' I start, voice softer now. 'You know, we're Vikings. It's an-' Hiccup moves, fast. His long legs carry him toward me in an instant, startling me into silence. He takes my face in his hands and gazes at me intently, preventing me from any reaction at all._

 _'_ _Don't finish that!' He pleads whispering and closes his eyes. 'Don't… ever…' He trails off, swallowing hard as he leans his forehead against mine. I relax beneath his touch, not even aware of how tense I was before. With him here, holding me, nothing else matters anymore. I lay my arms around his waist and draw myself closer toward him, desperately needing to feel his warmth again. We bask in each other's presence for a moment but all too soon Hiccup retreats, face guarded again. 'I'm… sorry…' He whispers almost breathless and I frown at him. 'For what?' I ask uncomprehending but he just shakes his head and takes a few steps backward. When he reaches the opposite wall he leans against it, mirroring my former position including the crossed arms. I watch him confused but decide it might be best to give him space now. I wait for any further reaction but when none comes I slowly walk toward the door. When I reached and opened it I hesitate once again._

 _'_ _We'll start the search for Viggo today. Are you in?' I ask, not turning toward him. When he doesn't answer for several seconds I nod silently and leave his hut._

* * *

 _While I walk over to the Clubhouse where the rest of the gang is supposed to wait for my I try to recompose myself. This encounter with Hiccup just know… It shook me up in more than one way…_

 _Seeing Hiccup devastated like this is not something I like to see. Even when we were kids and everyone was still picking on him he kept his sarcasm. And later when he became the leader of the dragon academy and was in charge of everything related to it he only grew stronger despite many difficulties and mistakes we all made, him included. Sure, there were occasions then, like after Heather stole the Book of Dragons, when he was down, too. But it never,_ never _, got as bad as this._

 _I begin to regret not having put more effort into reaching him earlier. I was so worried about Heather that the extent of his emotional state completely escaped my notice. Maybe I could have prevented it from getting this bad if only I would have tried harder._

 _I shudder and wrap my arms around me. He could hardly look at me or touch me, could hardly bear my presence at all…_

 _When I reach the Clubhouse, as expected everyone is already there. They look at me questioningly but I just shake my head, not yet ready to talk about Hiccup._

 _'_ _Everyone ready?' I ask all business and earn four nods in return._

 _'_ _Yeah, we're ready but what are we supposed to do now?' Snotlout asks._

 _'_ _It's not like we got an invitation or a map from Viggo, or did we?' Tuff throws in but I ignore him and answer Sontlout instead._

 _'_ _We'll fly out and look for any signs of Viggo and his men until we find them or get any news from other sources. We know they normally remain in the north so that's where we start looking for them.' I explain and look over to where our dragons sit in the back of the room and wait. Chewing my lip I ponder our options for this trip. It's supposed to be scouting only without risks. And I just can't leave him here all alone, not after this encounter…_

 _'_ _Ruff, Tuff? You were practicing flying Barch with a single rider, right? How's that working out?' The Twins share a pained look before Tuff starts a lengthy explanation. 'You know, as a living dragon, they are, in fact, capable of flying on their own. So they don't need any rider at all, really. The former problem was rather one of, let's say… coordination? And -' – 'It just depends on how many confusing commands we give them.' Ruff throws in, nonchalantly. 'As long as we keep it understandable for them it's no problem…'_

 _I close my eyes at this explanation and try not to scream in frustration, remembering how many unnecessary problems we had due to their_ inability _to fly and fight separated._

 _'_ _All right, I'll fly straight north.' I decide, pointing it out on the map Fishlegs pinned to the wall at my request. 'Snotlout, you go northwest and Fishlegs, you take the northeast. It's scouting only so stay as high as possible. This way we should be safe enough from their arrows and catapults. We fly until noon and then return here on a different route. That way we should cover a big enough area for today._

 _Ruff and Tuff, I want you to stay here, keep an eye on… the Edge and, please, don't destroy anything!' I urge them, knowing how potent this situation might become. Again they share a knowing look, widely grinning this time._

 _'_ _She asked us to destroy everything, right sis?' Tuff asks and Ruff replies 'That's what I heard, too.' I groan in frustration. 'Guys, this is not the time for your games, alright? You stay here and… keep watch. If Hiccup starts something stupid Toothless will alert you. In that case, I want you, Tuff, to take Barch and fly after Fishlegs. You should be able to catch up to Meatlug easily.' I can hear the brown dragon grumbling in the background but I have no time to consider her lack of confidence right now. 'Ruff, you take care of Hiccup, keep him from doing Odin knows what until Fishlegs or anyone else returns, alright?' I get incredulous looks for my plan from Fishlegs and Snotlout but Tuff only shrugs, not saying anything for a change while Ruff grins deviously. 'Sure, I can take care of Hiccup if that's what you want me to do.' She states and I groan inwardly._

 _'_ _So, he's not coming, is he?' Fishlegs asks. From his position by the entrance, he glances out toward Hiccup's hut, worries clear and plain on his face._

 _I resist the urge to turn and look as well. 'No.' I state as calmly as possible. 'He's not…'_

* * *

 _Deciding to turn this scouting trip into an unescorted one was a horrible idea… That is all I'm allowing myself to think during these seemingly endless hours of solitary flying over never ending water and the occasional island. But who am I kidding? I only wish I actually_ could _stop thinking. I'd even put up with the annoying chatter of the Twins or even Snotlout, and gladly so, too. But I am on my own out here with no one to distract me and it was me who put myself into this predicament._

 _As they did so often during the past hours my thoughts drift again toward Hiccup and all the things he said and did earlier today. His yelling at me is not something I never experienced before… I actually am kind of glad whenever he does it because it only ever happens when he's dejected like this and I push him hard enough for any reaction at all._

 _But then there were his struggles to keep his distance. That actually is new. Whatever bothered him in the past he would always let me help him, even back when we were just friends. This time, though… He couldn't even bear me touching him and was shaking all over. And then he only touched me to silence me, really. I know he never liked his father's motto and although it is something I agree with I avoid saying so out loud._

 _Being a Viking is not an easy lot in life. It involves near constant fighting and danger and although life on Berk became quite peaceful we always suffered losses. The past months out here in_ the great beyond _were especially demanding but Hiccup seemed to not have noticed the multiple times we actually almost died._

 _But maybe that's exactly the point…_

 _I spend the past four years watching him becoming the leader he's going to be someday… The thing is after he defeated the Red Death everything changed. And I don't mean Berk and our life there. I mean the way people regarded him, recognized his skills and strength. They started to listen to him. And not just people in general but Stoick especially. The one thing that didn't change, though, was Hiccup himself. He acted just like he had before, trying to prove himself on every occasion. It took him some time to realize that he was actually successful all of a sudden…_

 _I remember what Hiccup said so many months ago._ Ever since I lost my leg all of a sudden everyone is friendly to me. _Those were his words… He's not stupid. He knows perfectly well that when his life started to change for the better, it was linked to him killing the Red Death. I'm not so sure whether he really believes was he said about him being a cripple, though… He surely never acted like one. But I do believe that… that he believes he was treated differently because of his victory_

 _But that's not true, really… Because of his victory, people gave him some credit but after that… If he would have been the same clumsy Hiccup he'd been before people would have treated him like that, too. But he hadn't. That initial boost of confidence and the fact that we had to deal with the dragons in other ways then made him successful._

 _Over the years he grew accustomed to this. Some might say his success went to his head but then that's what a leader needs, right? He needs to be confident and sure of himself. He needs that to make decisions that affect many others as well._

 _But maybe Hiccup became too overconfident. And that's the problem, or so I guess. This Viggo… it is just how Hiccup said himself. He manipulated us like we're a bunch of inexperienced little kids. He manipulated_ Hiccup _. Aside from our dragons Hiccup and his analytic mind were always what gave us an edge over our enemies. But not this time, apparently…_

 _This time Hiccup lost… he actually lost despite our preparations and I'm not so sure this confidence he wears like an armor will survive this…_

* * *

 _When I reach the Edge again it is already past nightfall. I know I should have long since returned but I wanted to be thorough. I chose the route with the most islands on its track and although I never really believed to find Viggo's trail after only one day of search I needed to make sure. I needed to make sure he's not hiding nearby, already planning the next attack. And so I took a lot of detours to check on every island, even the smallest._

 _But now I'm back… For a moment I'm on my way to land by the Clubhouse, to assure everyone I'm alright despite my late arrival. But then I remember that probably nobody is worried in the first place… That thought stings. Of course, Hiccup would be worried but then he probably doesn't even know I'm late. With a sigh, I stir Stormfly toward the stables and prepare her box for the night. All the other dragons are already there, cared for and partially already asleep so I make an effort to be as silent and fast as possible._

 _When I stand in front of the stables again my gaze wanders up toward the Clubhouse. It is still well lit, common sleeping time still far off. Even down here I can hear their laughter and loud voices calling jumbledly to one another. For a moment I think about joining them. I surely could use some distraction and cheering_ _up right now. And a mug of mead or two wouldn't hurt either… But I'm not in the mood for their jokes and laughter. I eye the quiet route along the dome and up the stairs toward my hut and compared to the hubbub up there it sure is alluring._

 _I sigh and turn toward the bridge that leads the way up to the Clubhouse. I have to show up there, for a moment at least. I have to let them know I'm back even if it's just to give a good example. And I have to gather their reports. And then I'll flee into the solitude of my hut and try to get some sleep. I'm not very confident about that, though…_

 _I don't want to admit it but Hiccup's behavior earlier today still bothers me. The way he avoided looking at me or touching me at all. How the normally happy memory of that Thawfest kiss suddenly upset him. And how he apologized for getting closer. I shiver and wrap my arms around me, although I know it's not due to the rather warm night air._

 _I have a feeling that I might know what's up with him and it frightens me. When I thought about his confidence as an armor earlier I only pictured it cracking like one, too. But the much more pressing question should be what lies beneath said armor? When I remember how he acted today… I suppose beneath this armor hides the young self-conscious boy that suddenly became a hero four years ago. And he's not prepared to deal with everything around him. Not at all… This armor made him feel invincible and now Viggo made him realize he's not._

 _My eyes sting as I climb the walkway underneath the Clubhouse. He looked so hurt and broken. So completely unlike everything I experienced with him over the years. Maybe I should check on him one more time on my way to my hut. Even though this means I risk getting yelled at again…_

 _When I reach the highest platform I can finally make out voices and words in between all this commotion and groan inwardly as I recognize Tuffnut's voice even from the outside._

 _'You should have seen it!' he shouts dramatically. 'We actually worked! That was a once in a lifetime experience, though, eh, sis?' – 'It sure was.' Ruff agrees. 'Ain't do that again, ever!'_

 _A low chuckle rings out to where I walk and I pause, ears pricking up, shocked._

 _'Sure you will!' Snotlout barks at them. 'As soon as Astrid threatens to beat you up again.'_

 _'Where is she anyway?' The low voice asks and I freeze_ , _heart racing. 'Shouldn't she be back by now, too?' I wasn't mistaken. It_ is _Hiccup! My lips, my hands, my knees, my whole body starts shaking violently at this and I need a few moments to recover. Hiccup is here at the Clubhouse, laughing with the rest of the gang. Maybe I reached him somehow after all. And he_ is _worried for me…_

 _I take a deep breath to steady myself, straighten up and take the few steps left around the corner and into the Clubhouse. 'I'm here!' I state as nonchalantly as I can muster. 'Made a few additional detours but no sign of Viggo or his men. What about you?' I look questioningly at Snotlout and Fishlegs, determined to ignore Hiccup. They share a confused look and then both shake their head. 'We found nothing.' Confirmes Fishlegs. 'They probably retreated into their own territory far to the north. Johann sent another Terror, though. He'll keep his ears and eyes open for them as well.' I notice Fishlegs blushes slightly, though why is beyond me._

 _I nod, then help myself to a mug of mead and slump down on my customary seat next to Hiccup. Without ever looking at him I take a big gulp of the sweetened wine, letting it dampen my dry throat. 'So, you're back alive?' I ask quietly when Snotlout dives into a lengthy description of how he encountered a bunch of boars earlier today. I can practically feel Hiccup raising an eyebrow as he turns slightly toward me. 'So, you actually did notice?' He asks in his all too familiar sarcastic voice. I shudder slightly at how ordinary he behaves after this horrible week._

 _I down the mug in one swig and get up. This probably wasn't the smartest thing to do for my head starts spinning for a moment but the sensation passes almost immediately. I look around into four surprised and one worried face and lift my hand to wave them good night. 'I call it a day.' I announce and leave the Clubhouse, knowing five pairs of eyes are following me in confusion._

 _Dammit! How does he always get to me like this? Whatever he does, it has a far bigger effect on me than is healthy. Shouldn't I be glad he finally left the solitude of his hut and participates in life again? Ah, but I am glad! More than glad, actually. I can feel my eyes stinging with tears of relief as I almost skip along the bridges. It's just so confusing! The whole day I relived our short conversation this morning and now the way he behaves makes me almost believe it was just a bad dream. Almost…_

 _I need to talk to him! I won't find any peace of mind today until then but I can't talk to him with everyone around. I just hope Hiccup sees it the same way and leaves them to their celebration, too. I walk toward my hut and sit down on the ledge in front of it that faces away from the Edge and toward the open sea, feet dangling. Here I'm fairly well hidden from view but could watch the Clubhouse if I wanted to. But as it is, I don't. I don't want to sit and wait, hoping every second he might leave the others to come and talk to me. Instead, I make myself comfortable leaning against a wooden beam and watch the starlit ocean once again._

 _I_ am _glad he's participating in our daily life again! But only this morning he wasn't even able to join us in the clubhouse and now he's sitting there, completely at ease, laughing and joking as well? I don't buy it!_

 _I sit there for at least half an hour before I hear the familiar rhythm of Hiccup's pace slowly getting louder. My heartbeat quickens as I hear him pause a few steps behind me before he finally gets close enough to sit down next to me. His hand brushes mine and I take it longingly, relaxing at last. I sigh relieved and give his hand a light squeeze which he returns but only barely._

 _'I'm sorry…' he whispers. 'For upsetting you… and… and everything else… I guess…' He trails off. I close my eyes for a moment, bracing myself. 'Are you alright again?' I ask although I already know the answer. He lowers his head. 'I'm… better…' He admits reluctantly and I nod. Not good, yet, but better at least. That has to be enough for today._

 _I turn and for the first time this evening actually look at him. Admittedly, he looks horrible. He has dark circles under his eyes and his whole face looks haggard and worn out. His arm must still hurt, too. I raise our joined hands to caress his cheek and although he flinches slightly at the touch he leans into it thereafter longingly. But I can still feel him trembling beneath my fingers. I can tell there are still things that bother him greatly._

 _'Tell me.' I plead and finally, Hiccup turns to look at me for a moment before he casts his gaze down again, his eyes full of sorrow._

 _'I_ am _better, thanks to you… I thought about what you said this morning. About me being a lousy loser… And I guess you were right.' He laughs shakily. 'This is not over. We might have lost this battle but the war goes on, right? If we give up now than Viggo has won. We - I can't let that happen!' He pauses for a few moments before he continues, his voice softer now. 'But can you promise me one thing?' My heart cramps painfully at his words and tone. 'Anything!' I answer without hesitation but then bite my lip. There actually are some things I can't promise… I see Hiccup smiling though and know he noticed this laps, too._

 _'Nothing too outlandish, I assure you…' He turns his head to brush his lips against my knuckles and a shiver runs down my spine. 'Just… promise me to be careful. I can only do this when I know you're going to be safe.' I blink and bite my lip. I_ am _a Viking after all… 'I… promise not to take any unnecessary risks!' I vow reluctantly, knowing Hiccup would notice my choice of words and the loophole in them. And sure enough, a dry smile crosses his face. 'That's probably the best I can ask for.' He states and I shrug. 'Will you promise the same?' I ask. 'Because, you know, you're not the only one who gets worried sometimes.' He smirks. 'For whatever it's worth: I promise not to take any unnecessary risks!' he repeats my words with a mischievous glint in his eyes. We both know this promise isn't worth much as_ unnecessary _is quite a subjective term but it's better than nothing. At the very least it reminds us that there's someone who cares._

 _'Can I ask you another favor?' Hiccup asks after a few moments of mutual silence and I nod. He takes a deep breath before continuing. 'Could you please return as planned from your trips or missions?' His gaze lingers pleadingly on me. 'I got a bit jumpy after what happened the last time you didn't return as planned.'_

 _I frown in confusion before realizing what he's referring to. Ryker kidnapping Stormfly and me almost drowning… I regard him concerned. 'That really got to you, didn't it?' I ask carefully and his face darkens. 'Yes.' He answers shortly. 'Everything about it…'_

 **Dear Diary**

Hiccup's back! It took him over a week to return to our daily routine and even now, another week later, he's still not completely recovered but it is getting better. He organized our search for Viggo, too, pairing us according to our dragon's speed and assigning suited routes as well, making this whole enterprise that much more efficient.

This does mean of course I'm stuck with Fishlegs and the Islands nearest to the Edge. The safest and also most boring task. Of course, Meatlug and Stormfly are, by nature, the slowest of our dragons but I still believe Hiccup arranged this on purpose. I'm not happy about it, especially since it means Snotlout and the Twins search the further islands and Hiccup claims the furthest ones for himself, claiming the greatest risks for himself as well. But that's necessary as he claimed when Snotlout of all people pointed out the danger to him and Hiccup even had the nerves to wink at me when he said so. Well, I guess I dug that one myself…

It also means we spend practically our entire time on our dragon's backs. Every morning we meet for an early and hurried breakfast, talk about our routes for that day and start almost immediately after packing some provisions. We then search the assigned islands, making notes of anything suspicious or even peculiar and return to the Edge before nightfall. After continued days like this, nobody is in the mood for staying up late anymore, not even the Twins.

 **Dear Diary**

Time goes on and our search for Viggo already lasts a month. A month with the constant strain of Hiccup pushing us relentlessly. A few days back things changed though when even Hiccup realized our reserves of fish, dried or fresh, and other supplies were dwindling. He rearranged our schedules rather reluctantly then so that Fishlegs and I remain at the Edge from now on. I go fishing while Fishlegs gathers herbs and other stuff around Outpost Island. Snot and the Twins were then separated to resume our former tasks as well.

I'm not sure for how long we'll be able to keep this up… Hiccup is determined to find Viggo but we haven't found anything yet that might lead us toward him. Even Trader Johann, who sends regular reports by Terror Air Mail, confirmed that the Hunters practically disappeared into nowhere.

And I haven't seen much of Hiccup at all during this month as well… Of course, when a day like one of these is over we're tired, too. Yet, it would be nice to spend the nights together nonetheless even if it's just lying in each other's arms. But… I don't know how to describe it but somehow I get the impression that Hiccup is avoiding me. He never comes over to my hut anymore like he did so often in the past and he didn't invite me to his hut either. He refused meeting in our Glowing Cave as well, stating that might be too obvious, with everyone awake early. But it's even more than that. He seems determined to not be alone with me at all, always seeking the company of someone else as well and for ridiculous reasons, too. One day he even walked back to the Clubhouse with Tuffnut, asking him about his chicken's well-being, can you believe it? And whenever I try to get him alone he conjures up some far-fetched tasks he needs to attend to immediately.

 **Dear Diary**

I'm getting tired of this… And it is not just me, who feels that way but everyone else as well. Except for Hiccup, of course. After two months now I can hardly remember why I was actually glad when he took over the organization of this hunt. Because that's what it became. A frenzied and insane hunt for a man who's very capable of hiding himself.

Ah, of course, I don't want him to return to that almost depressed state he was in before but… I want our life here to return to normal again. Or maybe normal is even too much to ask. Bearable would be enough for now. I should never have pushed him into searching for Viggo in the first place. I should have known where that would lead him. Because I _know_ Hiccup…

Even after two months now Viggo is all Hiccup seems to think about and it is eating him up. This obsession, for that's what it is, really, turns him blind to everything else around him. The Edge needs maintaining with loose planks and lesser damages everywhere. We need more supplies, especially those we can't conjure up on our own out here. And most of all we need a break!

For almost a week now Snotlout and the Twins return way too early from their patrols, tired and bored by checking on the same never-changing islands again and again. No-one mentioned this to Hiccup, though, not even me. And even if I wanted to turn them in he wouldn't give me the chance. His avoiding me goes so far by now that he hardly speaks a direct word to me at all, let alone having a full-grown conversation about anyone's sense of duty.

Even though I didn't turn them in they wouldn't tell me things like this directly, but I overheard them talking earlier today. Snotlout and Tuff intend to directly disobey Hiccup's orders tomorrow, sending him a not so subtle signal. And although I don't approve of this method I can see where it comes from. We can't go on like this and as long as Hiccup can't be talked to this is probably our only alternative.

I hate this… His shattered armor of confidence has just started to rebuild itself and although it grew back together all wrong I fear what might happen if we shatter it once again with this action.

Maybe I should try to talk to him once more before this happens… Corner him somewhere he can't escape or tie him up or something… anything…

Sometimes soon I need to do this anyway. We barely see each other at all these days and when it happens, there's always someone else around, too. I don't know what to make of this. You know, after this first week of him wallowing in misery I actually thought we'd been through the worst. I thought, that after he finally left his hut and joined our daily life again things would return to normal, at least when it comes to _us_. But I couldn't have been more wrong… On the contrary, things got only worse between us. I already told you how he avoided me and at what length. What I didn't tell you, though, is how much this hurts.

I just don't know why… We used to be so happy together. I don't understand why he can't even bear to look me in the eyes anymore or talk to me or, gods forgive, touch me. There was this one incident the other day… We were all eating breakfast, the one time every day where he can't run from me without it being too obvious. We still have our customary seats next to each other but he moves his stool away from mine as far as anyhow possible every day anew, lest we could accidentally touch each other… But it happened nonetheless. We were both reaching for the same slice of bread and our fingers touched. Just slightly, but it was enough to send an electric jolt right through my entire body. I remember how my heart pounded just because of this small touch. And I remember how I shot him an involuntary glance, careful and almost shy, only to find him pale as a ghost.

I hate how he makes me feel insecure like this… There was a time where I liked it. I liked how he could make me show vulnerability and how that made me feel stronger, because of him being the one to witness it. These times are gone now…

Something changed that affects our relationship, something I don't understand. I know that his confidence took a major blow from all this and I also know that Hiccup is far from recovered from this blow. He keeps up appearances around the others but I can see through it. He acts out what he used to do naturally before. What I don't know is why he would try the same around me. Or rather… Well, I guess he doesn't… He simply does **n't int** eract with me at all. Maybe because he knows I can see through the act. But w **hy can'** t he be himself around me anymore? Did, whatever it is that changed, change his feelings for me as well?

* * *

 _I drop my charcoal on the table and stare angrily at the two smudged spots where my tears hit the paper. This can't go on. I need to know what's up, where we stand and how we'll go on. There was a time when I was so sure of our shared future but now I am not. Not anymore…_

 _But our relationship is, in fact, not the most important thing right now. The most important thing is Hiccup himself. Because we, as a team, can't go on like this, none of us can, not even Hiccup. Although he's quite skilled at ignoring evidence these weeks._

 _There is one other thing I noticed today but didn't tell anyone. I won't admit this, not even to my diary, for it is a matter of some delicacy. I'm still not sure how to go about it but I don't want anyone to know about this if it's not absolutely necessary, ever. But since Hiccup actually seems to haven't noticed this… There is no way I'll let him fly out tomorrow. He would never forgive himself if he did…_

 _I take a deep breath and get up. There is no other way, I have to talk to him! Even if he's going to yell at me or ignore me or throw me out. He cannot ignore_ this _._

 _I was already prepared to go to bed so I only put back on my skirt and boots over the shirt and leggings, leave my hut and walk the short way over to his through the darkness. It is already late enough that he might actually be asleep but I doubt it. I don't knock, simply open the entrance and make an effort to be as silent as possible as I climb the stairs to his sleeping chamber. When I enter it I find Hiccup, once again, sitting on a stool with his back toward me. This time, though, he's still adequately dressed, only his armor on its stand, and stares down at a map on the table in front of him. His head rests on one arm, fingers buried in his already tousled hair. He looks… lost somehow._

 _I spot Toothless lying rolled up as usual on his platform. The black dragon lifts his head as I enter the room and I walk toward him silently, pet his head and let my hand glide over his right wing carefully. He winces slightly which is confirmation enough for me._

 _'You won't fly out tomorrow!' I state matter-of-factly but it has the desired effect. Hiccup whirls up and around, shocked, pushing over the small stool in the process._

 _'By Thor's hammer! What are you doing here?' He cries out, his eyes widening. I get up slowly, looking at him intently and notice how he backs away from me. 'You… you shouldn't… be here.' He stammers, blushing. 'Someone could… barge in or… and Toothless snores! You wouldn't…' He trails off, shaking all over and I raise an eyebrow as I struggle to keep up my front of aloofness. On the inside, however, things are different…_

 _Where does all this awkwardness come from all of a sudden? It's not like this is the first time the two of us meet in a darkened room. But he appears to be more than uncomfortable with me here. A memory appears unbidden in the back of my mind._ beneath this armor hides the young self-conscious boy that suddenly became a hero four years ago _. My own voice or rather what my own thoughts sound to me… Hiccup acts almost like the young boy he was before he found Toothless._

 _I scrutinize him and notice him tensing as he stares at me with a mixture of fear and longing in his eyes. 'I'm not here to talk to my boyfriend…' I say calmly. Hiccup flinches visibly at this term and my heart misses a painful beat at the sight. 'Or whatever we are…' I add, whispering. At this, his eyes widen, horrified and I feel like a gaping hole was punched right through my chest. My hands start to shake and I ball them into fists. This is not what I came to talk to him about. As pressing as our relationship is to me, there are more important things right now…_

 _'I'm here to talk to the leader of this outpost.' I say as businesslike as possible although it's hard. There's a hurricane of emotions fighting for control inside me that I can only barely contain. But maybe it'll be easier for Hiccup to deal with me when he's not seeing me as his girlfriend he's avoiding at all costs. And it seems to work. He crosses his arms in front of him and glares at me. 'If I'm the leader then why are you trying to bar me from flying out? Wouldn't that be my decision?' He retorts in an attempt of confidence but I can see through it. He's not meeting my eyes and fidgets nervously. Somehow this makes me angry._

 _'Because Toothless is hurt, haven't you noticed?' I shout and take a step toward Hiccup while gesturing toward Toothless. The black dragon wrapped his tail around his massive body more closely and almost hides behind the remaining fin. Hiccup, however, slouches his shoulders and the guilt is clear on his face._

 _'I know.' He admits with a sigh and I narrow my eyes._

 _'You know?' I screech, closing in on Hiccup. 'And you still want to continue this pointless manhunt, hurting him even more? I can't believe this. That you would even sacrifice Toothless health over this!'_

 _'Of course not!' Hiccup shouts back at me. 'He's probably going to be alright in the morning anyway. And if not then we'll take a break for a day or two. But we can't stop now!'_

 _'But we can't go on like this, either!' I replay, still shouting although I'm right in front of him now. 'This manhunt is insane! You won't find Viggo like this so break it off. There are other thing-'_

 _'You want to give up?' Hiccup's face turns angry at my words. 'Let him get away with what he did? Let him use the Dragon Eye as he pleases? You can't be serious!'_

 _'That is not what I meant.' I reply angrily. 'But there's no sense in continuing like the past weeks. He doesn't want to be found so we might as well take care of other things.' Hiccup tries to back away but I follow him with every step until his back hits the wall behind him. 'We could check on the Snow Wraths.' I suggest, emphasizing every other word by pushing against his chest with one finger. 'Viggo would need one of their teeth so as long as they are safe he can't use it. And Fishlegs made all these notes from what was inside the Dragon Eye. He's still not done deciphering them and surely could use your help. Maybe you'll find clues in there for other dragons and islands we can look for, making sure they are safe as well.'_

 _I glare up at Hiccup, daring him to object but he doesn't. Instead, there is a strangely tortured expression on his face and I find him gazing intently at me. In his eyes, I can see some kind of inner battle, rage, fear and something I can't name fighting for control. His head dips toward me and I can see the muscles in his neck tensing when he stops himself with a groan. Then he gives in, finishes the movement and leans down to kiss me._

 _The instant our lips touch my mind goes blank. Disbelievingly I stare into his also still opened eyes before they flutter shut. When his lips start to move against mine then my body reacts almost on his own. I melt against him, hands flat over his chest now, where I can feel his rapidly beating heart, and raise to my toes to kiss him more comfortably. His hands glide up my arms to rest on my shoulders, holding me lightly. I missed him so much! His warmth, his touch, this closeness, his lips… I whimper longingly and try to get even closer._

 _As if on cue Hiccup's grip on my shoulders tightens. Then, with one quick movement, he rolls us around along the wall until our positions are reversed. When my back hits the wall and Hiccup's body presses against me I gasp involuntarily. Hiccup uses this to his advantage, though, forcing my lips further apart and shoving his tongue into my mouth. The way it moves along mine, stroking and caressing it roughly, his lips sliding and sucking… It draws a sustained moan from my throat and makes my knees buckle. I let my hands glide up and around his neck, drawing him even closer while his glide down my sides and over my waist to rest on my hips, holding them securely and setting my body on fire. I then finally start to actually kiss him back, my tongue dragging over his and when I suggestively suck on his lower lip he groans almost desperately._

 _And then Hiccup jerks himself away from me, stumbling backward with a horrified look on his face. 'Oh gods, I-I didn't… I-I'm so-sorry, I… I shouldn't…' He stammers, wide eyes fixed on me. I stare at him, too, uncomprehending. Why does he back away,_ again _?_

 _Hiccup takes a shaky breath and calms down a bit. 'You better leave now.' He says in a low, almost breaking voice, not meeting my eyes now. I take a step toward him and reach out for him. 'Hiccup…' I murmur and he shudders._

 _'Please…' He whines, backing further away. 'Go.'_

 _I press my lips together and hurry past him, almost stumbling, when my knees threaten to give in. I don't remember how I made it down the stairs or over the ladders and bridges to my hut but when I can think clearly again I find myself in my bed chamber, panting, shaking and face wet with tears._

 _What happened just now? Why does he kiss me one moment and backs away in a panic the next? I press my hand over my lips where_ his _were just minutes ago and a new wave of tears makes my eyes swim. Why is he even avoiding me for months when he's obviously still attracted to me? Hel, why is he avoiding me at all?_

* * *

 _When the sun rises the next morning, waking me as usual, I groan at it in frustration. I'm not sure I slept more than an hour last night, drifting in and out of sleep constantly, haunted by unbidden memories. Memories of Hiccup, his arms around me, his hands caressing me, his lips, his…_

 _'Nnnaahhhhgg' I groan into my pillow, discontented at the very least. I've missed Hiccup during the last two month, too, but last night's events made this so much worse. He occupies my every thought and it doesn't help that everything here reminds me of him, not at all!_

 _I have to get up! I have to get ready for whatever happens today. As much as I would like to hide in here or somewhere far off on Stormfly's back, I just can't do that. Not today of all days! As far as I know, Snot's and Tuff's plan to defy Hiccup is still in place. I didn't tell Hiccup about that last night for I wanted him to see reason and not threaten him._

 _I sit up and drowsily run my fingers through my hair. It's beyond hope, though, entangled and knotted by last nights sleepless tossing and turning. I grab my hairbrush and start to work through the worst knots while thinking over their plan some more. After what happened last night, before everything went crazy, I found evidence of how utterly broken Hiccup is inside. All that keeps him upright is his pointless obsession over Viggo and his sense of duty as our leader. I won't let him continue with the former so I can't let them destroy the later as well. Somehow I have to prevent this from happening!_

 _And then there's still the matter of Toothless injury. I agree with Hiccup that he's probably not that badly hurt but he still needs a day's rest. Hiccup said so himself but I'm not sure what he would do after talking to the others…_

 _There really is no time for me to dawdle. I give up on any further attempts to tame my hair, braid it messily and put my armor back on in a hurry before I leave my hut and head over to the Clubhouse._

 _When I step on the platform that contains Snotlout's hut I can already hear the rest of the gang talking to each other agitatedly. Taking the remaining distance in a run I reach the common room only seconds later, afraid I might be too late. Four startled faces turn toward me as I glance around the room, panting. Ruff is sitting stress-free on one side of the room, back rested against the wall and arms crossed behind her head. She is the first to recover from her surprise to see me dashing in on them and a smug grin crosses her face as she takes in my rather sloppy appearance._

 _The boys are standing together by the table and were apparently engaged in a lively conversation until just now. Now Fishlegs blinks at me in confusion while Snotlout just gapes, jaw hanging loose and Tuff narrows his eyes at me._

 _'What have you done to Hiccup?' he inquires almost angrily. I cringe. Am I too late?_

 _'Where is he?' I retort, panicky. 'Is he already gone?' No, no, no! This can't be happening. I'm not_ that _late… But Tuff nods with a dark expression._

 _'Yeah, he's gone.' He says gloomily. 'Came to tell us some strange things and then he left. Not sure where he's now…' My heart misses a painful beat as his words sink in. I'm too late and he's gone…_

 _'Oh, stop it, you muttonhead!' Snotlout interjects and hits the male twin on the back of his head. 'He's in his hut and you know that perfectly well!' I blink._

 _'No, I don't know that. He could be on his way back, too.' Tuffnut replies, a mischievous glint in his eyes. I turn to Fishlegs, hoping for a coherent explanation and don't get disappointed._

 _'When he came here he did say some strange things…' Fishlegs admits hesitantly. 'He said we… would take a break from the Viggo-hunt for a week or two. And he wanted me to take a look at Toothless' wing later, not sure what he meant by that, though. And then he went back to his hut to get his share of notes we made from the Dragon Eye.' Fishlegs shrugs, confused. 'That's all.'_

 _Slowly, I walk toward the table and sit down, not trusting my knees at all right now. He listened! He actually listened to what I told him! I feel like my chest is about to burst with relieve and my vision begins to swim as tears threaten to overwhelm me._

 _'I'd really like to know what you did to him!' Ruffnut's voice sounds from behind me in a low and gleeful tone but I'm spared any reaction as Hiccup chooses this moment to return._

 _'Here are the notes.' He states and carries in a box filled with paper. 'Please remember they are all we have left so don't damage or destroy anything! I want you to look through them and sort them according to the headnotes. There are maps, information about dragons and many pieces we still have to decipher. You better start immediately.' He hands over the box to Snotlout and then turns toward Fishlegs. 'Let's go and get the other notes from your hut as well. On our way there we can stop by Toothless. I guess he's strained a muscle but we better make sure it's nothing serious.'Then he turns. 'Ruff? Could you go and wake-' When his eyes fall on me sitting by the table he interrupts himself, eyes widening and face paling. My heartbeat accelerates painfully at his reaction and I avert my eyes, not wanting to see more of it._

 _For a moment it is awfully silent in our Clubhouse, for once nobody talking. Then I hear Hiccup taking a shaky breath. 'Alright, then… let's get started.'_

* * *

 _We spent the whole morning sifting through the notes, sorting them as Hiccup told us to and stretching regularly to relax our stiffened muscles. I don't understand how Hiccup and Fishlegs can actually enjoy something like this. I'm still glad Hiccup listened to me and we can take a break from the routine of the past weeks but this kind of work is not something I'd like to do regularly, as well. And the rest of the gang wasn't exactly helpful, either. Snotlout complained the whole time, whining about how every piece of paper looked the same to him and how anyone could possibly perceive anything but dots and dashes in them. I actually agree with this, though I would never say it out loud. The Twins were making fun of him, of course, pretending to recognize the weirdest things within these notes. They even got to patient and uncomplaining Fishlegs with this, as he threw them puzzled, baffled or confused glances every now and then._

 _Hiccup, however, couldn't be bothered by their behavior. He sat at the smaller table in the back of the room, trying to decipher some of the more confusing notes. Every now and then he would sigh or curse or groan in frustration over these futile papers. It was then when I began to regret I suggested this at all._

 _Noon came and we cleared the main table for a quick lunch and, to everyone's surprise, Hiccup told us to take a break for two hours afterward. As was to be expected everyone left the Clubhouse eagerly and I was no exception there._

 _These past hours were a completely new kind of torture for me. And it wasn't even the arduous work that made this so awful. I tried very hard to ignore Hiccup's presence but it was an impossible task. It was almost like his body send out these… waves that washed over me constantly, reminding me of him anew at every second. I also somehow felt his gaze upon me sometimes, like something was actually touching me. But every time I glance at him then he averted his eyes hastily, alternately blushing or paling._

 _The memories of his hunched form still haunt me while I do some exercises at the dome now, sidetracking me successfully. I wanted to go through a few simple motion sequences and try to concentrate on my body and it's movement only but to no avail. As soon as I close my eyes Hiccup is all I can see. His eyes or his smile, his hands on mine, the way he looked at me last night right before he kissed me and how he avoided every direct interaction with me this whole morning._

 _'Oh, Thor,_ dammit _!' I shout and kick a bucket nearby. I wipe my hands over my face, trying to wipe away every thought of him as well. But, of course, it is not that easy. This has to end or I'll go crazy. Not being with him while we were out on patrol all day was bad and his avoiding me didn't help, either, but this is downright hilarious. I just can't spend another hour sitting there right beside him without knowing just where we stand._

 _Biting my lip I look up at the Clubhouse. When we all left for our break Hiccup left as well to look after Toothless, or so I guess. I don't want to confront him in his own hut again, not after what happened last night. But I know Hiccup and as focused as he is these days I don't think he's going to allow himself the same break he granted to us._

 _Stormfly is out fishing or doing whatever she does when she's not with me so I have to take the hard way and climb the stairs and ladders. It gives me more time to think about what exactly I need to talk to him about, what I need to know and need to say._

 _Knowing Hiccup I have a sneaking suspicion about why he acts like he does but, frustratingly, that doesn't help me at all. If I'm right and his self-doubts make him feel unworthy – I cringe and angrily shake my head at this – then there is nothing I can do to help him get over this. Every help offered by me and every help accepted by him would only unbalance our relationship even more, in his eyes at least._

 _But what else can I do? I can't stay away from him any longer, not when he's physically within reach now. And I need him! I need his presence in my life, his easy smile and always ready sarcasm. I need the conversations we used to have about serious and silly topics alike. I need all this even more than I need his touches and kisses. And I do need those, too…_

 _When I reach the highest platform my heart is pounding and not from the effort of getting here. Slowly I get to the corner, suddenly afraid of entering, of what may happen if he's truly in there, of how things may turn out. Going against any dragon or armed enemy is nothing against this… Physical wounds heal and even if they leave a scar than that's just fine for me. But this is different._

 _I take a deep breath and make the last step around the corner. A small part of me hoped to find the Clubhouse empty, to avoid the unavoidable, and it is this part that breaks and howls in anguish when I actually find him sitting there at the small table in the back again. My hands shake and I ball them into fists for a moment to steady them. He hasn't noticed me yet and I take my time to walk toward him, trying to distinguish his mood while I can. His eyes are fixed on the papers in front of him as he pushes them back and forth, trying varied combinations. He's completely concentrated on the task in front of him, so much so that he doesn't notice me until I drop into the seat opposite of him._

 _His eyes shoot upward then, startled by the sudden movement and noise but apparently, he expected me to show up for he does neither flinch nor shows any other signs of astonishment. He just drops his head in defeat and pushes the sheets aside into an untidy stack. An uncomfortable eternity passes before he lifts his head again and looks at me, broken and vulnerable._

 _There is no way I could assault him in any possible way right now. I need my answers and I need us to sort things through but surely not by attacking him like I did last night. So I need another approach. One, even he can't twist into an accusation. 'You listened.' I state then, almost whispering._

 _Hiccup answers with a short and harsh laugh. 'I did, didn't I?' he replies in a raspy voice. 'Well, I learned that lesson pretty well, you know. To take your advice seriously – on any matter.' I wince at this reference. If there is one thing I don't need right now than it is a reminder of Heather. I reach out for his hand that still rests on the table between us, fully expecting him to pull it back immediately but unable to keep myself from doing so anyway. But he does not withdraw it. On the contrary, when my fingers tentatively touch the back of his hand he turns it up and around to entangle his fingers with mine, holding them tightly._

 _I am at a loss of what I want to say. Hiccup acts so differently from what I expected. I had not much of a plan when I decided to come here but now I'm thrown off of even that. I just gaze at him, stunned and helpless somehow, as he reaches out his other hand to caress the back and wrist of mine._

 _'Are you alright?' He asks then in a low voice. I blink and shake my head in an attempt to clear it. 'Me?' I ask disbelievingly. Is he serious? Apparently, he is…_

 _'You took care of everything around here.' He explains. 'Don't think that escaped my notice. I know all too well how hard that can be and then I had always you around to support me. Besides, I know how much you hate to babysit Snotlout and the Twins.' At this a small smile crosses his face, a single fond memory perhaps, but it is gone almost immediately. 'I can only apologize and hope they weren't too hard on you.' He adds gloomily._

 _'I'm fine' I sigh and smile a little. 'They actually behaved pretty well for once.' I pause, frowning. 'We were_ all _worried for you, you know.' But this I had better not mentioned. Hiccup cringes and after a moment tries to retreat his hand from mine. I don't let him and he stops the attempt, defeated._

 _'I'm a mess, aren't I?' He whispers. I don't know what to say to this. He's right and I don't know how to fix him… All I can do is be with him, here and now, and assure him that I'll always be here for him. I squeeze his hand and to my utmost relief, he squeezes me back a moment later._

 _'At the beginning, I thought all I needed to do was finding Viggo to get the Dragon Eye back and turn everything back to normal.' He explains, voice close to breaking. 'I thought we could continue on after that, just like that. I know we can't imprison him for simple trading, even when his goods are living creatures, but I thought that, maybe, we could handicap his plans and he would give up eventually.' I grimace at this, not believing it would be that easy. But then he doesn't, either… 'I realized a few week ago that it wouldn't work that way. But I still needed to find him, to attain at least this small goal, in order to not be entirely useless…_ again _.'_

 _This last word was almost inaudible, too painful to be spoken aloud, but I heard it. I heard it and understood it. It is exactly as I feared, he sees himself as Hiccup, the Useless,_ again _. He thought of only one way to fix this and I took that away from him._

 _'But you are right.' He continues. 'We can't keep on like the past weeks. This thought already kept popping up in my mind, even before what happened yesterday. With Toothless hurt and… and you… last night…' he breaks off, stammering and voice too low anyway._

 _I press my lips together, hurt on his behalf, and I regret being so harsh to him yesterday. He probably really would have made the same decision today, even without me yelling at him._

 _'What happened yesterday, anyway?' I ask and he pales visibly, cringing again. I really could hit myself… 'With Toothless, I mean.' I specify. 'How did he hurt his wing? And what did Fishlegs say?' Hiccup relaxes slightly and the pained expression on his face changes to one more neutral, though not exactly comfortable, either. So much for talking about the status of our relationship…_

 _'We ran into a group of Changewings.' He explains bitterly. 'The island looked calm enough so I decided to take a rest there. Toothless didn't like it, though, and we had some kind of argument about it.' From anyone else having an argument with a dragon would have sounded ridiculous. But knowing Toothless I can picture it all too well. 'It was already about time to return and he wanted to fly back to one of the islands we checked before, or so I guess. But I wanted to fly just a little further, check on one more island, maybe two…' He trails off and the pained expression is back on his face. 'And then they surrounded me. I had wandered off to stretch my legs a little and to let Toothless_ calm down _.' Hiccup scoffs and shakes his head at the memories. 'The Changewings were just about to attack me then and even if I had wanted to I would not have been able to defend myself on my own. That's when Toothless reached me and got me out of there. He had to fight his way through to me and mostly tackled them out of his way. That's when it happened, I guess. But Fishlegs agreed with me, it's probably just a strained muscle. He'll be fine again in a few days.'_

 _I stare at Hiccup utterly shocked and his last words bare registered in my mind at all. What did he say?_ even if I had wanted to _? As in he did not want to fight them off, anyway? As in he would have let them tear him to pieces willingly? My lips and hands start to quiver alike and that's when Hiccup looks up at me again, bewildered at my reaction. I can't speak, can't explain. I just stare at him, eyes stinging and heart pounding. I knew he was more than just a little upset by everything that happened, but this… My grasp on his hand tightens desperately and that's when it seems to dawn on Hiccup what he just said. His eyes widen and he parts his lips to take a breath, to start an explanation, to say anything, I don't know._

 _Then he closes his lips and eyes again and a moment later lifts our intertwined hands up to his mouth to brush butterfly kisses over my knuckles, again and again, until they stop shaking. Then he plants his lips firmly on then back of my hand and whispers 'I'm sorry!' against my skin._

 **Dear Diary**

It's been only about a day since the last time I wrote to you… But somehow everything changed during this short time. For once Hiccup called off our search for Viggo and his men. I am glad about this! Somewhere deep inside me, there is this tiny spark of gladness. Hidden and buried probably, but it is there, I swear it is! I just can barely feel any of it anymore.

We all actually talked about it a lot during dinner and later as well. And I have to correct myself, he didn't call off the search, not entirely. But even when Toothless' wing is completely healed again we won't continue like the past weeks. Hiccup still needs these scouting trips, I think, but he understands that they, too, have to change. He accepted my plea to not fly out alone anymore. His encounter with the Changewings made him see reason there. And he also agreed, although reluctantly, to use Toothless' armor more often from now on. He put so much effort into building it, it shouldn't just lay around, unused.

Hiccup suggested then, that Snotlout should accompany him with Hookfang the most persevering of our dragons and the only one to have an armor, as well. I was a little disappointed then but it does make sense. As does the fact that he needs me here to have an eye on the Twins. It doesn't change however that I would really like to go on a mission like that again, just him and me…

The next thing that changed is that we actually _talked_ , Hiccup and I. And by 'talked' I mean… well… so much more… This encounters last night in his hut and earlier today in the Clubhouse… They settled my fears of his changed feelings for me. The way he held me, looked at me, _kissed me_ , for Odin's sake… Just remembering it now makes me feel dizzy. And then there was the way he held my hands today while we talked. How he couldn't keep his hands away from mine most of the time after they finally reunited, stroking them casually, squeezing them reassuringly and caressing them longingly sometimes. How his lips brushed over them, sometimes light as butterflies and sometimes lingering and suggestive… No, I don't fear his feelings for me might have changed anymore. I know there's still something off, but we'll work it out somehow. I have to believe in this…

Because aside from all this… there was this one other thing. The thing he mentioned only briefly, accidentally, really. The thing he denied shortly afterward, dismissed it as something he just said without thinking about it. The thing he claimed wasn't like it might have sounded at all. The fact that, maybe just for that brief moment, he accepted his impending death, and did so gladly.

* * *

 **Gods, this turned into one depressing chapter... I probably have to add another genre into the description... please, please, leave a review. ^^"**

 **And while we're on that subject... Someone mentioned I could react to some of the reviews as well, so that's what I'm going to do now...**

 **First of all I am very happy about every review I get. So thanks a lot to everyone who took the time to leave a note for me, even the smallest! :)**

 **To LexieFanatic : Yeah, me too. And I'm sooo happy they included ******the 'Hiccstrid'** in s4! ^^ And also: I somehow rushed through season two the first time but after writing this I agree with you. It's great.**

 **To Guest from Dec 1. : I'm very glad to hear this. That's what I intended and I'm happy to hear I was successful. ;)**

 **To BloodCakeWithChocolate : Yes, and after this chapter, he's still not done. Poor Hiccup...**

 **To Guest from 4. Feb : Actually I never noticed this. I rewatched it in slomo after your review and I'd say it's far-fetched but possible. It is however too late for me to include it here... **

**To Smoe05 : Thanks again for your review. Without it, this chapter would not exist ^^"**

 **And finally**

 **To Guest from 30 minutes ago...(March 28. ): I think that, maybe, you didn't get what this fiction is about. I agree with you that Hiccup didn't do anything wrong at that point. This story, however, is wholly and entirely from Astrid's point of view. And at that point she _was_ angry at Hiccup and blamed him, quite detailed though. There are many other things here that appear to us from the outside in an altogether different light, but we have, by nature, more information than Astrid ;)  
**


	10. Race to the Edge 3 (Part I)

**A/N: I probably should apologyze for this to take so very, very long but let's be honest... mere sorry's won't do it here anymore. I cheated on this story, pure and simple, wrote one-shots and almost three other finished stories instead... When I uploaded the last chapter in March, I was worried I would run out of content until season 5 would come out... Haha... I'm just glad I managed to finish this one at least.  
**

 **It was hard to write this one. I wrote myself into a dead end and had to delete and rewrite almost half the chapter until I finally found a way out. This, too, was very discouraging and also led to writing other stuff instead. But I don't want to abandon this story, I still like it very much.**

 **Edit: To tom80: I thought so, too, at first. But the exact wording is ' _...in less than three moons..._ '. **

**So, have fun reading everyone ;)**

* * *

 **Race to the Edge 3 (Part I)**

 **Dear Diary**

I wish I could tell you that life here at Dragon's Edge had returned to normal. But that would be a lie and I don't want to lie to you… However, compared to what I call the Viggo-episode and the weeks and months that had followed, we truly did regain _some_ normalcy at least.

It took some time but in the end, Hiccup did see reason and… Well, he did not stop his search entirely, but he deals with other things as well, at least... During this past month now he only started about four or five attempts to look for Viggo and Snotlout always accompanied him. I never thought I would ever think so but the fact that he's with Snotlout during these trips actually is reassuring.

You know I was worried about Hiccup. The thing he said that day in the Clubhouse, it frightened me! It surely sounded like he didn't even want to defend himself against those Changewings. He assured me later that that's not what he meant, though. He promised me that he's not suicidal and quite vigorously, too. And I do believe him by now… mostly. No, he didn't give me another reason to believe he might… actually… But the mere thought…

I feel so guilty for… for… I don't know… For not understanding him, I guess. And for not putting more effort into reaching him back then, when he more and more drew himself away from me. I mean… maybe there really was never a reason for me to be afraid, but… but I still am! Even if it's true and Hiccup never actually thought to… to let himself get killed just like that… The fact that he said these word then... Maybe he really didn't mean them like that but I still fear this thought might still have been there, subconsciously, waiting for its chance…

And that is why I'm glad Snotlout is with him right now. Of course, Snotlout doesn't know about any of this. And I couldn't do much more than asking him once to keep an eye on Hiccup. Everything else would have made him suspicious and I don't want to put everyone on high alert when there's probably no reason for it.

Of course, I would like it much better if I could be the one to go with Hiccup on these trips. I do see why this is not a good idea, though… With Hiccup appearing to be more lighthearted again the Twins went back to their old habits and the sound of one or even a few more explosions is not uncommon these days. Someone has to stay and make sure they don't blow up the entire Edge…

But I have to admit… aside from my fears and worries about Hiccup, our life here is about to return to normal. Our daily training changed toward more defensive skills though, which in my opinion is a good thing. Hiccup made us train to fly zigzag and try things like Toothless' barrel roll to avoid arrows and catapults. This is actually more difficult than I would have thought and requires much more concentration than I expected. But again, that is a good thing for it distracts me quite effectively from any other thoughts.

And by that I mean, of course, Hiccup… Things between us are still… confusing, to say the least. I still don't know where we stand, exactly. Our daily interactions started out strained and tense a month ago but by now they've reached an acceptable level of… of… bearableness, I guess… It still feels strange somehow but it is getting better. By now we can sit together, just the two of us or with the rest of the gang, without it getting awkward. We can talk tactics and strategies, argue about them without the need to hold back, considering each other. We can chat and joke almost unrestrained and laugh with only a slight edge to it. This is not, however, how I would describe a healthy relationship…

It also occurs sometimes that we happen to touch each other. When that happens it is not as bad as it was a few weeks ago. My heartbeat still accelerates every time and a few times I even gasped, unable to help myself, but mainly we continue whatever we did without acknowledging each other.

You know, after we talked in the Clubhouse that first day, after… I thought we could return to what we had before. I tried to get close to him a few times. When we walked back to our huts at night, I sometimes took his hand in mine or when we met randomly during the day, I tried to embrace him or even steal a kiss. But Hiccup always backed off, uncomfortable and slightly shaking. He threw me pleading and apologetic looks, panting as if close to panicking and all but ran off.

I actually stopped trying after a few of these encounters… It is just too painful to see him running away from me like this. I have to be content with what we regained so far since I know perfectly well I can't push Hiccup for anything like this.

But then there are these few occasions when Hiccup touches me deliberately, when he is the one to initiate it.

There was this one time, two days after our conversation in the Clubhouse. Hiccup walked me back to my hut that night and took my hand the instant we were out of the others' view. I remember how my heart had leaped at his touch. His thumb had caressed my wrist constantly, drawing patterns over my skin, making me shiver longingly. When we reached my hut I was reluctant to part with him, hoping he might stay or at least kiss me. And for a moment I thought he would… He stood so close to me, his hands cupping my face, his eyes fixed on mine. He had the same conflicted look like before when I came to his hut to yell at him. He even leaned toward me, eyes already half closed. And then he groaned and made some kind of strangled noise, close to whimpering. He backed away then and practically ran to his hut without looking at me again.

Until that event, things had been fairly well but after that… I just don't know what's up with him. It's like he started all new, awkward and shy. Only that, sometimes, he still is the Hiccup I know. Aside from this almost-kiss back then there had been other… incidents.

The most common are by far Hiccup stepping up to me from behind. He wouldn't touch me but I can still feel his body heat every time he does this. I can feel his breath on my neck, tickling my hair there and making me shiver. And I can hear him groan as if in pain every time.

And then there are other times when we're in a conversation these days. Sometimes Hiccup seems to forget everything that happened then and, while we talk, reaches out **to pl** ay with my hair or caress my arm or neck absent **min** dedly. I **try ver** y hard not to react, least **I sta** rtle him awa **ke an** d he backs off again.

I just do **n't** get it… If he still wants to be with me, and from all the **se sm** all signs **I gue** ss he does, then why is **he r** estraining hi **msel** f all the ti **me. I** t is not like my feelings have changed nor hav **e I gi** ven him an **y r** eason to think so.

* * *

 **1.1 Enemy of my Enemy**

 **Dear Diary**

I ca **n't believe** it… **He lied** to **me…** Hicc **up lie** d to **me! Al** l th **is ti** me I **thought** **they'd… b** ut… **And of cou** rse, **Snot ne** ver sa **id a word** … It **suited** hi **m al** l **too well, I gu** es **s. Havi** n **g a da** y **off li** ke **that…** Bu **t for Hic** cu **p to…** **after al** l we **'ve been** **through… a** nd **to what** **length he we** nt **to preve** nt m **e from** **finding out…** Go **ds, I f** ee **l so stu** pid!

…

But I better start at the beginning… You see, I overheard Snotl and Tuff talking just now. I was in the stables, brushing Stormfly and to be honest, avoiding Hiccup… The door opened and I heard them talking. I didn't really want to deal with them so I didn't greet them and just stayed behind Stormfly, hoping they wouldn't notice me. And they didn't, just kept talking, and I heard every word they said...

Tuff pitied Snotlout for he and Hiccup planned to go on another trip to look for Viggo tomorrow again. But Snot just waved that aside and said those weren't bad at all. I was glad to hear this but then he talked on and I could hardly believe my ears.

Snot told Tuff a secret. One Tuff was not allowed to tell anyone, not even Ruff. As if that would have worked… He told him that he never actually went with Hiccup on one of these trips.

Yes, you heard right! It seems like Hiccup and Snotlout always met in the morning, packed provisions, armored Toothless und Hookfang and flew off. But only to land on another island nearby where Snotlout would rest and watch over their armor while Hiccup flew off on his own again. And they went to all this length only to fool me!

I just can't believe it! I thought Hiccup had seen reason, that he wouldn't go on these trips alone anymore. Why is he doing this to me? Why is he lying to me? After all we've been through…

I confronted Snotlout thereafter… He caved in immediately, almost panicking, and agreed to stay in his hut, to not meet Hiccup tomorrow morning and to not talk to him until then. After all the precautions Hiccup made to keep this from me I doubt he would admit it now, even with me knowing already. No, I need to catch him red-handed.

* * *

 _I haven't gotten much sleep this night… this turmoil of emotions kept me awake for quite some time and even after I drifted off into sleep it was a rather restless one. I couldn't stop thinking about Hiccup… I'm so angry and disappointed because of him lying to me. I thought he was safe with Snotlout on his trips, or as safe as he could be at least with Snotlout… But now knowing he went alone nonetheless revived my worries for him anew and although he obviously made it safely back every time, I can't stop shaking. How easily something could have happened and we would never have known..._

 _When dawn was about to break just now I got up. Trying to get some sleep was obviously a hopeless attempt so I gave it up entirely. I made my way to the stables and now I'm waiting, hidden behind some boxes on the far side where I know Hiccup won't pass. As determined as he is, he won't delay this trip, even if Snotlout doesn't show up in time. And he won't, I made sure of that! I'm going to catch him red-handed if he attempts to fly off alone and then he can't wiggle out of it. Either I can convince him to give up these useless attempts or he'll have to take me with him. It'll put me at ease, either way._

 _I sit here for quite some time, watching the sky brighten as the sun slowly creeps up behind our island and wonder how we could have ended up like this. We used to work together, we used to trust each other, even long before our friendship turned into more. But maybe that's it. Our friendship turned into something more complicated, making a mess out of everything. My lips start to tremble at this thought. Our relationship is one of the best parts of my life, I don't want to think of it as a liability. I shut my eyes resolutely to keep them from stinging so much but can't help the few lone tears from escaping them. And then I hear the rustling of wings._

 _I recognize Toothless in this sound by now as every dragon sounds differently, just like every human's steps are kind of unique. His is a high soaring sound, only audible as he's not putting much effort into being silent right now. They get closer to the stables and I make myself smaller in my hiding place. When Hiccup dismounts and steps onto the landing platform I can hear his voice._

 _"_ _Snotlout? Are you here? " I smirk to myself. So Snotlout obeyed and didn't react to Hiccup picking him up. Truth be told, this is not a good sign. He should be loyal to Hiccup and not betray him due to simple threats. But may he, too, is still worried over Hiccup's behavior and then he knows I don't mean to harm Hiccup… much._

 _"_ _Huh…" I hear Hiccup huffing. "Not here as well." It's silent for a moment and then I hear him open the door to the stables. Through the small gap in the wall, I can watch him as he walks to the far wall and picks up Toothless's armor._

At least! _I think to myself and get up to confront him the moment he leaves the stables._

* * *

 _"_ _NO!" I yell and stomp my foot in frustration. I glare down at the cast aside parts of Toothless' armor and tears of rage cloud my vision for a moment. He did it again! He lied and he flew off alone again! I search the sky, knowing perfectly well I won't find him anymore. Toothless is way too fast for Stormfly and me to catch up to him. Maybe she would be able to find or follow him as she sometimes does but where would be the point of that, really? They'll fly straight ahead for the next few hours at full speed to reach the outer perimeters, we would never be able to catch up to them._

 _With an angry scream, I kick against the metal plates, not caring whether I might damage them. It's not like they get any use anyway. Stormfly croaks at my side and nudges my arm, feeling my distress, and I ball my hands into shaking fists to keep myself from lashing out at her. Nothing of this is her fault after all. But I need to let off steam or I'll hit the next person I meet. I mount her and let her carry me toward my training grounds in the woods. I loosen my ax from her saddle again, where I'd already fixed it properly and start to slash at the targets mercilessly._

 _He'll regret this! Oh, he's so in for trouble! He'll regret to ever have done any of this. I won't let him destroy everything we build here just for his stupid sense of duty. He's not responsible for Viggo, dammit!_

 _After going on like this for must have been hours, I sink to my knees and bury my face in my hands. I feel awful… I'm tired, exhausted and drained in so many ways, I just can't keep on going like this. Stormfly appears at my side again and I lean against her, snuggling against her side and let her comfort me. I don't know what to do anymore._

 _While the sun is setting, I stand on the landing platform in front of the stables once more and search the sky. I'm aware of the fact, that it might still be hours before they return but I won't let him slip past me. Not again! He'll have to answer for his behavior, no leader should act this irresponsible! Because right now I don't feel like I can trust him with anything, especially not his judgment of any situation._

 _This obsession over Viggo gets worse and worse. I'd hoped it would become better after he called off this crazy manhunt of the first weeks but truth be told, it only got different. Yes, he took care of other things as well, distracting us efficiently. But if that means he'll now lie to us and play tricks on us only to pursue his madman's goals than this it not_ better _!_

 _I stay there and wait, accompanied in between by Fishlegs and once even Snotlout, guilty conscious plain on his face. The Twins didn't bother themselves too much over this topic, but Fishlegs, too, was obviously disappointed when he heard about Hiccup's ruse. But the hours pass by and eventually, everyone retires to their respective huts, everyone but me. I stay and wait, back resting against Stormfly's flank again, until far into the night._

 _But to no avail..._

* * *

 **Dear Diary**

Hiccup has not returned… I spend the whole night at the stables waiting and well prepared to give him the scolding of his life, but now… I was so angry… I only thought of how reckless he was to fly off alone again and never even really considered the possibility he could not return.

Now the sun has risen once more and he's still not back… I even considered the possibility that he maybe went into hiding after his ruse, sneaked past me somehow to hide in his hut, so I checked there as well… In fact, I checked every place I could think of, but they are not here…

We have to look for them! Somehow, we have to find them! I know very well how hopeless this attempt is, but I can't just sit here and do nothing. We already talked about it just now, during breakfast, as the rest of the gang realized as well that Hiccup hasn't returned. We'll form two groups and fly to the north, where he planned to fly as well, taking different routes, to cover as much ground as possible. Snotlout will fly with me, on his request, his guilty conscience making him behave seriously for a change. Even the Twins saw reason and promised to behave after just a little threatening on my part. I just hope we'll find him…

* * *

 _"_ _Astrid!" Snotlout calls after me, but I don't react. I already know what he wants…_

 _"_ _Astrid, wait!" he tries anew and I press my lips together. "We have to go back! It's long past noon" I just stare ahead, give Stormfly a sign to fly faster and she obeys, though only reluctantly. Just a few more islands… Maybe we'll find them on the next already. Maybe…_

 _Suddenly there's a hand on my arm and I jerk upright, taking a startled look around. Hookfang glides beneath Stormfly, close enough for Snotlout to reach me._

 _"_ _We're going back!" he states with an angry frown. "You can't even keep yourself upright anymore. Seriously, when was the last time you actually slept, you look horrible" I blink at him in confusion. Since when is Snotlout the reasonable one of the two of us? 'cos he's right… We have to fly back. There's still the whole way back ahead of us… And I'm so tired…_

 _I nod and steer Stormfly around. "Hey, let me take the lead, okay?" Snotlout suggests and I raise an eyebrow at him. Is he going to boast again? I haven't heard much of that today until now… "And you get some rest back there. I can't bear to watch this any longer…" I stare at him for a moment, still confused and a little dazed as well. He's right, I haven't really slept in a while. But how could I?_

 _I stare at the ocean beneath us, not really seeing anything. This search was unsuccessful, just as it was to be expected, but my heart shrinks nonetheless as we make our way back._ I just hope Fishlegs and the Twins had more luck _, I think to myself, follow Snotlout's suggestion and make myself comfortable on Stormfly's back to rest._

* * *

 _"_ _Man, you're in trouble! You know that, right?"_

 _I groan as Snotlout's voice suddenly wakes me out of my doze, far further than just moments ago. When Stormfly starts to descent, I blink at my surroundings, confused and dazed._ Huh! _I must have fallen asleep after all and for quite some time, too, for right now, we're landing in front of our stables at Dragon's Edge. I drowsily watch Snotlout leading Hookfang inside and shake my head in an attempt to clear it before I dismount as well. Or that's what I planned to do at least…_

 _My legs are stiff and numb from the day-long ride and won't obey me correctly. Struggling for a moment to lift the right one over Stormfly's back, I slide off of her too soon and slump down to land butt first on the wooden platform. Exasperated, I brace myself for the impact – that never comes._

 _Instead,_ _I land in a pair of strong arms, holding me tightly and securely as they lower me carefully to the ground. I whimper at the sensation of these all too familiar arms around me and lean closer, seeking his warmth and consolation._

* * *

 _I stand at the side in our Clubhouse, leaning against a wall and arms crossed in front of me, while my eyes linger on Hiccup. He's sitting at the table just a few steps away, back toward me, and tells us everything that happened during the last two day. Or so he says..._

 _I have a feeling he's still not honest with us as if he's still hiding something, keeping something from us, but I can't put a finger on it. Maybe it's just my cracked trust in him that makes me feel this way…_

 _Apparently,_ _his dearest wish came true and he happened to stumble over a bunch of Viggo's Hunters but only for them to shoot Toothless down with a dragon root arrow, rendering Hiccup defenseless and vulnerable in so many ways. He says they were able to find shelter in a hidden cave behind a waterfall and that he happened to stumble over the recipe for an antidote to the dragon root as Toothless seems to need much longer to recover from it. He says that he left their hiding place, that he went to look for the ingredients and got caught by the Hunters after all. At this point Hiccup pauses in his report, voice strained and back hunched over. It must have been hard for him to get caught while Toothless was still down and hurt. Retrospectively, I should be worried for the two of them but somehow I can't feel any of this. For once, they are safely back by now and… It's like I'm barren for any emotions right now, like I felt just too much during the last days and now my heart and mind are numb to any of this._

 _And in the end, Hiccup did escape the hunters, Toothless got alright again and they both returned. Apparently, they ran into Snotlout and me on their way back and as the cowards they both are, the boys didn't wake me until we reached the Edge._

 _Shuddering, I close my eyes for a moment, blending out the Clubhouse and my friends around me. The memory of his arms around me earlier is still vividly alive in my mind. How he held me, drew me even closer, of his body heat and his scent invading my senses, turning me into a whimpering and helpless mess in his arms. It was just too much in that moment… my worries for Hiccup over the past weeks, my anger after I learned of his ruse, the anxiety of fearing for his life_ again _and then, finally, the relief of having him back, of being held by him once more. It's all too much…_

 _Hiccup finished his report and the others ask many questions now but I don't participate in that. Yes, it might be interesting to learn how this antidote is made or how exactly Hiccup managed to escape the Hunters but right now I can't bear to hear any more. I push myself off the wall and, without another word or glance, walk past him and leave the Clubhouse._

* * *

 **1.2 Crash Course**

 **Dear Diary**

Two weeks have passed since Hiccup's encounter with Viggo's Hunters and we still haven't talked… It's like there's an invisible wall between us. We see and greet each other, we work together if necessary, but we don't talk…

At first, I thought this was about Hiccup again. That this new setback upset him once again. He reached his goal, after all, to find a trace of Viggo and his men, but only to have it backfire in his face. I worried a lot about this, really, not sure anyone here could take this from Hiccup once more, but by now I know that's not the case.

His encounter with the Hunters seems to have cured him of his wish to hunt them down, at least. He promised he won't go after them again, and for once he was convincing enough to even settle my skeptical mind. And then, he's eager to engage in other projects, building up our defenses especially. We built new watch towers and a whole lot of new catapults all around the Edge. He behaves much more like himself now then he did for months. He's not acting out being our leader anymore, he really is again. I have no idea what happened on this island where he and Toothless stranded but it made him see reason somehow.

But it's even more than that. He's _Hiccup_ again. When the Twins fool around he reacts in his usual mixture of unnerved exasperation and fond humor. When Snotlout start to boast he gives him just the right treatment of kind acknowledgment and firm counteraction to restrain him without denouncing him. And the way he reacted to Fishlegs and these new Dragon Cards of his… The geeks at work again.

Only when it comes to me… to _us_ … Maybe this invisible wall is not around him, but rather me instead, but… I'm not acting any different, not around the others and not around him. Or… well… Let's be honest, we don't interact at all, really. Not personally, at least. Whenever possible, Hiccup assigns us to different groups. It's the old reason again I came to hate… That Snot and the Twins won't work properly without one of us to watch over them. And when there's a day where we all work as one group, he's all business, dividing the work reasonably, making sure either he or I have enough to do as to not let the possibility occur we could actually spend time together…

Ah, but I'm being unfair… It is not just him… I'm keeping my distance as well, making sure I always have enough to do, taking additional chores whenever possible. I just don't know myself where we stand right now. We have to talk, I guess, and soon, too. I should make up my mind then, shouldn't I? What do I want to say to him, when he gives me the chance to do so? What possibilities do we have, really? Hel, I don't even know what I _want_ right now!

Do I even want to keep our relationship upright? After all that happened? I'm not even sure anymore… Is that even possible? These days I feel like I don't know him anymore. I mean… of course he's still Hiccup, but… but he's not _my_ Hiccup anymore. Everything that was between us, every connection we had… all this seems to be gone. The familiarity, the trust, always knowing each other's thoughts… I want nothing more than to go back to what we had… Right now, I'd even take our dreaded friendship back, for even that was better than what we have now.

Maybe we just need more time… time to regain normality, to cope with everything that happened. There was this encounter with the Fireworm Queen and the Cavern Crusher two days ago… That one felt a lot like our normal adventurous life out here, dealing with wild dragons, finding new species, and no Viggo anywhere to be seen. Maybe we just need more of these normal days to return to what we had… But somehow I doubt that…

* * *

 **1.3 Follow the Leader**

 _"_ _Astrid?"_

 _I freeze and my hands begin to shake. It's been quite some time since I heard him speak my name outside of drills or chores. I don't answer, don't turn toward him, couldn't do so, in fact, even if I wanted to. My heart is beating rapidly and my breaths come in short. And he only said my name, for Odin's sake!_

 _"_ _Do you have a moment? Please?" he asks and this last word, spoken so pleadingly as if he expects a rejection, almost breaks my heart. I take a deep breath to collect myself and turn toward him, hard-pressed to keep an easy smile on my face._

 _"_ _Of course!" I answer and gulp, when I see Stormfly and Toothless behind him, saddled and ready to fly off. So, it's getting serious… He doesn't want to take any chances, doesn't want anyone to interrupt us. I can feel panic rising inside me. I'm not ready for this conversation, not yet. How should we go on? What do I want?_

 _Ah, but that's easy… I want just what I always wanted..._

 _We fly toward the Clubhouse where the rest of the gang is gathered, waiting for today's plans to be announced. Hiccup tells them the two of us will go on an exploration trip and that Fishlegs is in command to handle things as long as we're both gone. I can see Fishlegs' chest swell with pride at this, well,_ even more _!_

 _This I unfair to him… Hiccup knows just as well as I do that Team Snotnuts, won't listen to Fishlegs, no matter how officially Hiccup puts him in charge. But then, they're just playing some game of cards, so maybe they won't blow up the Edge in our absence after all._

* * *

 _We land on a small island not too far from the Edge. I know it's practically uninhabited, too small for any dragons but a flock of Terrors to live here. We dismount in a meadow, the sound of a nearby stream and the birds' tweeting filling the air, and I'm getting nervous again. None of us had said a word during our flight here but now we can't put it off any longer._

 _Reluctantly, I turn toward him. How does one start a conversation like this? And what is it going to be anyway? A makeup or a breakup? Which one would I desire and which one would be the wisest solution? I know the answers to these questions… And I don't like them._

 _"_ _Hiccup… I…" I begin but break off again. I just don't know what to say. I want us to sort through this mess, get over this awkwardness and return to our comfortable teamwork. But I don't know how to reach this goal. Hel, I don't even know what exactly our problem is right now! But Hiccup seems to be better prepared than I am. He steps toward me without hesitation and takes my hands in his._

 _"_ _Astrid, I want to apologize!" he begins and although this is a far better start, I can't suppress a snort._

 _"_ _For what exactly?" I ask bitterly and he winces, a pained expression on his face. I feel sorry for my words and tone instantly, although I wouldn't take them back, even if I could. Because they are too true. There are so many things he could and should apologize for. I know that I made mistakes, too. Maybe I should have put in more effort into reaching him during this first week after the Viggo episode. Maybe I should have spoken my mind more clearly and loudly during the weeks of his crazy manhunt. Maybe I should have supported him more instead of trying to change his mind over this. Maybe we even could have been successful if we'd worked together. But then… he never really_ let _me work with him…_

 _"_ _For everything…" Hiccup answers in a weak whisper and averts his eyes for a moment._ For everything? _Is he serious? This answer is just so stupid, so meaningless, and he knows that perfectly well! I intend to withdraw my hands from his, but he doesn't let me. His grip around them tightens almost desperately and his eyes meet mine once again._

 _"_ _Please…" he begs. "I mean it! I'm sorry for everything! For being such a self-centered jerk, for neglecting my duties as your leader and… and for letting you down. Finding Viggo is important but I should never have lied to you! I have to keep going against him but not like this."_

 _I close my eyes and inhale deeply. At least he sees reason that we can't go on like that. But I hate that he still seems to believe Viggo to be his responsibility. Because he's not!_

 _"_ _Astrid, I can't go on like the last weeks. I know I screwed up pretty badly but… but I hate how things are between us! And… I need you! I need your help in this. I need us to work together and… I know it's a stretch after what I've done but… I need us to trust each other, just like we always did. I can't do this without you!"_

 _There's a strange pressure on my chest and it keeps me from breathing normally, keeps me from thinking. What he just said… it is what I want, too. Just a few minutes ago, I thought about this. Why does it hurt so much now?_

 _"_ _So, you need me as your second in command?" I ask to make sure, the unspoken second part of this question hanging between us like heavy rain clouds. I chance a look at him again and find him in much the same position as myself, eyes closed, face averted. And just like me, he looks up at this exact moment, his eyes filled with sorrow._

 _"_ _My feeling for you haven't changed," he whispers and I should rejoice. Because beneath all the hurt and betrayal mine haven't changed either! I see that he has more to say though and it frightens me. No dragon or human enemy has ever frightened me like this..."But I… I can't… I'm not wor-" he swallows hard and hesitates before he continues. "I need to concentrate, need to focus on Viggo and his men. My feelings haven't changed but… I need to solve this mess. I need to concentrate on this and… and I can't concentrate with you around... well, like that…" He throws me a pleading look, begging me to understand him. And I think I do… Stoick taught him well! "Please, I… just need some time to get a clear head. A break, maybe, without… without having to worry about us as well," he breaks off and averts his eyes again. "I'm… sorry… that sounds so selfish. It's just… I can't go on like the last weeks. I need your help…" he shrugs, helplessly._

 _"_ _I see," I whisper and I do. I see the future chief of our tribe and I can see that he'll be great. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, right?" I add in a shaky voice. His father had said this often enough, even I heard it more than once._

 _And I can't argue with that. Of course, he'd need to focus on a task like this… I can't argue with that except that it's not_ his _task in the first place. But I know he wouldn't listen to that. And… Hunting Viggo to keep him from harming dragons and people alike… That is an important task and of course, I'll support him in any way he needs._

 _But as valid as this might be, it's just half the truth anyway, only part of the reason, a pretense in a way. Because I heard what he was about to say first._

I'm not worthy…

* * *

 **Dear Diary**

What a day! Snot and the Twins almost blew up the entire Edge and Fishlegs found a cave with another flock of Night Terrors. I have to admit, he really handled that problem pretty well and I'm glad to say that with this event some more normalcy returned to our life. Team Snotnuts it back to their usual mischief and Team Hicclegs returned into their geeky bubble. Everything is as it was… and I'm all on my own again…

No, we haven't broken up… not really, not officially at least. We talked about some of the past events and about what went wrong and somehow it all comes down to one thing. That our relationship really is a liability and Hiccup needs a clear head to deal with the upcoming problems… Bla Bla Bla… It did sound logical to an extent but I know him quite well by now, heard what he said between the lines…

It is as I thought, all these past events cracked and bruised his confidence, he feels guilty for everything that went wrong and therefore thinks it's his responsibility to get it right again. He seems to think he doesn't deserve to have a calm and happy life until then and that mostly affects our relationship.

Well, he managed to get things right with the Skrill. I just wish there would be an equally simple solution when it comes to Viggo and his Dragon Hunters, to Dagur and to Heather. In any case, all I can do now is trying to support him. He said he needs me… that's a simple and sober fact considering with whom else he has to work. Of course, he needs me as his second in command to rein in the others, to keep the order upright while he concentrates on tactics…

But still…

He needs me... And his feelings haven't changed… This knowledge has to be enough for now until this chaos has been solved…

* * *

 **1.4 Interlude**

 **Dear Diary**

Day by day, things here at the Edge return to normal. Finally! We're back to our normal shifts of duties and training and drills as well. By now, all the smaller damages are repaired and one can't see how much we neglected our home during the last months. And since we're now done with the maintenance, we also included a new task into our rotating duties. In addition to our normal patrols around Outpost Island, we make wider scouting trips to keep an eye on a bigger area, to know who passes nearby and what they want. That's not really actively looking for Viggo but maybe we'll stumble over something that'll lead us to him eventually.

And Hiccup… things between us are better now than they were during the last months… not good, but better. We really do work together again without it being too awkward, we're back on the _friends_ level where working together comes almost naturally. He talks to me again… which is worth more than I ever would have imagined. He asks my opinion on his ideas and takes my advice into real consideration before he decides anything. We work as a team again.

I wish our relationship could return back to normal just as easily but I shouldn't force anything there. He's acting so hesitant, so self-conscious. I know, he said he needs a break, needs some distance, but… Well, I can't help it, really… I miss him! He's right there, every single day, we're talking and everything is normal. And then, for a moment we're alone, the others distracted or busy. Before, we would have used moments like that to steal short but sweet kisses, to hold each other, maybe to whisper teasing promises into the other's ear but now… Now, these moments become awkward and painful. Because we both know, we both remember and speaking for myself, I long for these loving exchanges. I miss him at night, too, miss his warm arms around me and his fevered kisses on my skin, but then, I'm used to that after these past trying months. These awkward moments, though… They are a new kind of torture. They are a constant reminder, that, despite the appearances, not _everything_ is back to normal. Because we've already talked and there's nothing more we can do right now. It's just waiting again. Waiting and hoping that he'll come around. I hate it! And yet, I'm waiting… I'm waiting and hoping, looking for signs that he might get better, get over this insecurity and regain enough confidence to allow himself to have a normal life again.

* * *

 **1.5 Turn and Burn**

 _"_ _Easy, Stormfly," I try to calm her when she suddenly gets nervous, makes an agitated, trilling noise and flaps her wings to gain more speed. "What happened?" But of course, I get no answer…_

 _We are on our way back to the Edge after an extensive patrol around Outpost Island and the adjacent waters. And something seems to have happened. When we get closer to our huts, I can see a column of smoke. Another one of the Twins' misplaced pranks? Or even an attack? But I can't see any dragons in the air to extinguish the fire or to defend against attackers, should there be any. I saw no signs of those anyway on my patrol._

 _As we get closer, I can locate the smoke's origin and despite the warm sun on my back, an icy shiver runs down my spine. Hiccup's forge… The smoke comes from Hiccup's forge!_

 _"_ _Faster, Stormfly. Faster!" I spur her on and bend down lower over her back. What in Odin's name happened? We land and I can see instantly that there's no fire, not anymore at least. The walls of Hiccup's hut are heavily singed but aside from that nothing seems to be out of the ordinary. Except for the still glowing coals that caused the smoke that is…_

 _It's not like Hiccup to leave his forge unattended like this… He's always so careful with it. And fair enough, I find enough hints to think he tried to extinguish them. Apparently, he just didn't stay to make sure they really were. Where is he anyway?_

 _"_ _Hiccup?" I call out loud, but there's no answer. It's strange… A few weeks ago, this lack of response would have been normal, no matter whether he'd heard me or not. The fact that it is reason enough to worry me again almost makes me smile. Almost… Where is he? Where did he go so hastily that he didn't even properly tend to his forge?_

 _And where is everyone else, for that matter? Fishlegs flew back to Berk for another load of Gronkle Iron, but the rest?_

 _After tending to the still glowing coals as best I could, I mount Stormfly again and search the Edge. I can't find anyone… The clubhouse is empty and so are the dome and the stables. No Viking and no dragon to be found and even Stormfly's talent for finding Toothless fails._

 _I get nervous… What happened? Where did everyone go? I can't find any pieces of evidence for an attack except the burns on Hiccup's hut maybe, but even those don't look like an attack, really. I decide to check on Snotlout's and Ruff's and Tuff's hut as well but those, too, are empty. It's Snotlout's day off… there's no way he would willingly_ do _anything today! He mumbled something about helping Hiccup yesterday but even then he should be around somewhere._

 _I search the whole Edge then, every hut and every other building, the watch towers and catapults, I even look for a note Hiccup might have left for me somewhere, in my hut or even in our Glowing Cave, but there's nothing. Not the faintest trace of Hiccup, Snotlout, the Twins or one of their dragons._

 _I spent the whole day on Stormfly's back, searching the island and the surrounding area but there's nothing, no hint or trace of anyone, and when it finally becomes too dark to keep searching, I return to the Edge._

 _Maybe they just flew off to check on something like when Tuff thought he would turn into a Lycanwing. Maybe it was no big deal and they're already back. Or will be back, soon. No need to worry, right? Please, don't let there be a reason to worry…_

 _After settling Stormfly for the night at the stables, I return to our clubhouse and wait. I hate feeling this helpless, not knowing what happened, whether Hiccup and the others are all right or whether they need help, where to look for them… I hate just sitting around and wait. I hate waiting…_

 _Why didn't he leave a note…_

* * *

 _"_ _Hey, A. Get up, sleepyhead, that's my part of the table. If you want some scrambled eggs, go and make some for yourself. These here are mine!"_

 _Pain shoots up my back and neck and I groan as I stretch and blink into the bright light. It seems to be long past dawn, how long did I sleep? And why am I in the clubhouse? Suddenly, I remember what happened yesterday, look around in surprise and directly into Tuffnut's grinning face._

 _"_ _Morning princess! Slept well?" another voice sounds from behind me and I turn to see Ruff smirking at me._

 _"_ _What?" I ask and shake my head to clear it and get rid of the foggy feeling. What are Ruff and Tuff doing here, casually like that as if nothing happened yesterday? And where are the other's then? Where is Hiccup? But I can't ask that… "Where were you yesterday, what happened?" I ask instead. They seem unconcerned enough, but…_

 _"_ _Where we were?" Tuff gives me a funny look. "At the_ Awesome Viking Cave Club NorthEast, _of course. Where else should we have been?"_

 _I just stare at him. That stupid cave? We only had a few meetings there, after the_ Viggo episode _and I wasn't aware that they were still using it occasionally. But, of course, they would… I feel stupid for not thinking of that cave yesterday. I checked our Glowing Cave, even though it hadn't gotten any use lately, why didn't I think of their cave as well?_

 _"_ _And Hiccup and Snotlout? Were they with you?" I ask confused. It wouldn't surprise me hear Snot was with them in that cave all day, but Hiccup? No, I can't think of a reason for him to spend all day with them in that stupid cave!_

 _Ruffnut nudges me into the side and I scoot over and off her stool before she slumps down with another portion of scrambled egg on her plate. "They flew off with Stoick yesterday" she states casually and I stare at her for a moment._

 _"_ _What?" I ask disbelievingly. "Where did they fly? And Why?" But they both just shrug, obviously not knowing or caring about the details. "And you didn't think of telling me that?" I inquire angrily. I spent the whole day searching the island, for Odin's sake!_

 _But Tuff just shrugs. "You didn't ask." Yeah, because I couldn't_ find _them, dammit! But I don't say anything. Arguing with the Twins about something like is pointless…_

 _"_ _Anyway, Hiccup said something about telling you himself." Ruff throws in and her brother nods vigorously._

 _"_ _Right! Didn't they run into you? Or rather, fly into you. Because you were all flying, and all. Running through the air, that would be weird…" I stop listening to Tuff's unintelligible jabbering. No, they didn't run into me. I made a few additional turns around nearby islands, they wouldn't have known where to look for me…_

 _Without another word, I leave the clubhouse and make my way down toward the stables. I'm angry... I want to be angry at the Twins for not telling me, but they are right. I should have thought of their cave, should have checked there as well. And I want to be angry at Hiccup for not making sure I would get this information, for not leaving a note and for not finding and telling me himself… But that stupid, too. Whatever Stoick wanted from them, they obviously left in a hurry or else Hiccup would have tended for his forge more carefully. There probably was no time for any special treatment and the twins knew, so why bother…_

 _No, all I can do is being angry at myself. Again, I worried too much over nothing! This is becoming a habit lately and not one I like. I scream and kick against the stable walls. Why didn't he leave a note? I know I'm being childish and stupid but I can't help it. I was_ worried _! I rest my head against the wooden wall I just kicked and try to calm down._

Stupid! _I chide myself as an idea pops up in my mind. But I can't help it… Instead of going for a ride with Stormfly for her to catch her breakfast, I give her one of the always ready baskets of fish, saddle her and tell her to pick me up at my hut when she's done eating._

* * *

 **Dear Diary**

I'm going to do something stupid… I _know_ it is stupid! But then… It is not _that_ stupid…

I'm going to go on a scouting trip to check on the outer islands and waters. That one was planned for next week and we haven't decided yet who would go but I don't see why I shouldn't go now. With Hiccup and Snotlout gone for who knows how long, there's not much to do anyway. I just hope, the Twins won't blow up the Edge when they are all on their own here but… honestly? Right now, I don't care!

I don't care that Stoick came and needed his help. I don't care how important that may have been. He left me in charge of the Edge, in charge of the Twins and didn't even leave a note to let me know!

But maybe, he needs a taste of how that feels… Or maybe he won't even care. I'm stupid and I know I am. But I can't help it… I'm going to leave for a perfectly regularly scouting trip, nothing out of the ordinary. Except I won't tell him. I won't tell him where I'm going. Let him see how that feels!

Gods, I'm stupid… and petty… But it really hurts! And I don't even know why, exactly… Probably because there had been a time when he _would_ have left a note! There had been a time when he wouldn't have left without telling me… And I miss these times…

But I need to get going, I already can hear Stormfly outside.

* * *

 _I'm almost ready to get going. My provisions are packed and I told the Twins I'll be gone for a few days. The wide grin they shared should bother me, but it does not. I just really don't care right now! All that's left to do is getting the map from Hiccup's hut so I can mark the islands I checked._

 _It is strange, being in here again. I was here only yesterday but I only peeked my head in and left, when I didn't get any response. When was the last time I really entered his hut? I can't remember anymore but I guess we ended up fighting…_

 _I wrap my arms around myself to chase away the feeling of loneliness. Coming here was a bad idea! I should take the map and get out! But where is it? I thought it would be on Hiccup's desk but it is not. I bite my lip and look around the room searchingly. The map isn't all that small, it should be easy to spot and it also is too important, Hiccup wouldn't just stuff it into a drawer. But it clearly is not here and it wasn't in the clubhouse either. It could be in Fishlegs' hut I guess, but…_

 _My gaze wanders up the stairs toward Hiccup's bedroom. I don't want to go there… But it would be foolish to search the entire Edge before I checked the most obvious spots. I take a shaky breath and slowly climb up the familiar steps._

 _Coming here was a really, really bad idea! My hut is my hut, there is no other place I could go but there's a reason why I avoided going to our… my Glowing Cave lately. And coming here… My eyes wander instantly toward his bed, to where I've spent so many nights, warm in his arms. So many hours, sweating and entangled… The memories are overwhelming and by the time I took a searching look around the room, I'm breathing heavily, head dizzy._

 _I'm pathetic… I would never have thought it possible but I miss him. I miss him so much! We see each other almost every day and yet… And yet, I miss him horribly!_

 _I spot the map on his bedside table, pick it up… and hesitate. Beneath the map, there lies a stack of loose papers and a piece of charcoal. To make notes about ideas that sometimes pop up in his mind when he sleeps, as he once told me…_

 _Biting my lip, I pick up the charcoal and write a short note on one of the papers. Where I plan to fly and when I intend to return… I fold the paper once and place it beneath Hiccup's pillow. I want him to know…_

 _I want him to know where to find me should something go wrong. And I want him to know that_ I _did not forget to inform him about things like that. But I don't want him to find this too soon, I want him to worry a bit before that. In case he's going to worry at all at least… And I want him to know… that I was here, in his room. Petty and childish indeed, but I want him to think of me when he lies down in his bed and finds my note._

 _Stupid!_

 _I need to get out of here! I grab the map and hurry out of his room and out of his hut as fast as I can._

* * *

 **1.6 Buffalord Soldier**

 **Dear Diary**

I was right… Going on that scouting trip… It was the most stupid idea I ever had! If only I wouldn't have done that! If only I would have waited another week as it had been planned anyway. I wouldn't have stumbled across that ship. Or at least that man wouldn't have been alive anymore… But now it is too late, I can change it anymore. And my stupidity is going to cost me my life…

The Scourge of Odin… That always has been one of these tails the Elders tell to the children to scare them. It is nothing a real Viking concerns himself with. All this happened so far in the past, it's not even _real_ anymore! Or so I thought…

I didn't want to think about it on my way back to the Edge. That sickly looking man frightened me and the scratch on my arm he gave me hurts more than it should but still, I refused to think about it as I hurried back. But I should have! I should have stayed away from my friends, should have looked for another place to stay, maybe sent Stormfly with a note. That I won't return, that they must not look for me and that I'm sorry.

But I didn't think… And now they all are in danger! I have to keep my distance. Fishlegs said they can't catch the Scourge by breathing… I just have to make sure none of them touches me. That shouldn't be too hard. No-one would dare to do so anyway. Except…

I would never have thought I'd say that but I'm actually glad, Hiccup and I aren't as close anymore. That way, he should be safe enough and, hopefully, he's going to accept it more easily when I'm... gone. He didn't seem to be worried about me anyway and only showed mild relief when I returned this morning. All I have to do is keep up appearances and not let anyone of them see…

I only have to change the way I bind my bracers to cover that scratch. It still hurts but that's a small price to pay in exchange for my friends' lives. They mustn't know… _He_ mustn't know!

 **Dear Diary**

A month has passed and I can feel the sickness raging inside me. I get weaker every day and my arm hurts so much. Hiccup noticed of course, but I told him it's nothing. Nothing serious, just a scratch. Just a scrape that'll heal in a few days. And he believed me. Because he trusts me…

Odin, why? Why now? Finally, we're on a way that might lead back to where we were, back to the loving relationship we had. Because we talked again after I returned from that cursed scouting trip. Hiccup apologized for not leaving a note, the one I left for him obviously served its purpose. And I can feel his concerned gaze upon me every time I stumble or cringe during our training. He does care…

But I can't let him see that I do, too! It is too late, there is no cure for the Scourge of Odin, not anymore. I remember what my aunt Helka once told me about it back then when my family still hoped I might become a healer instead of a warrior. She'd told me that there used to be a cure but the Buffalords are all gone. There is no hope…

I feel so weak… Three months, it is said. It takes less than three months and then… But I guess I won't last that long anymore. I already am too weak to climb up the stairs to my bedroom. I could fly on Stormfly to the upper balcony but… but I guess I'll just sleep down here… This bench is just as good anyway…

 **Dear Diary**

They are all gone… It is better that way, I guess. They all went looking for a Buffalord but I don't believe that's going to help anymore… Those are supposed to be extinct and even if there are any left, they won't find one in time. Not even Hiccup is going to be able to accomplish the impossible… I'm so tired… I was able to give a good enough show to convince Hiccup that I'll be able to care for myself while they're gone, but… well, the truth is, I just wanted them all to stay away from me! It will be safer that way… I just hope he didn't get infected during the last days. I tried to be so carefully but I couldn't prevent him from caring for me. Please, Odin, Freya, Thor, please, let him be alright!

…

They left food and water in my hut so I won't have to wander around a lot but even preparing anything eatable at all is so exhausting. And I'm not hungry anyway… I just… just hope they'll be gone long enough! I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to suffer alongside with me…

And I'm sorry…

Hicc **up, i** f **you fin** d this… I'm **sorry! I wa** nted to wa **it. I ha** d s **o hoped t** o be **with you** ag **ain some** day. But we **won't g** et that **chance I gu** ess… **Please, I'** m beg **ging you,** go o **n! This is** not your **fault! You** hea **r me? Not!** Your! Fau **lt!**

I **love yo** u…

* * *

 _Where am I? Everything is so confusing… I flew… I remember lying on Stormfly's back… How did I get there? I don't remember… Don't remember anything! But we landed… I think. I can't feel the wind anymore and beneath me, Stormfly stands still. Yeah, I think we landed… There's a green field around us… green... Like his eyes…_

 _I try to sit up, to look around but I can't… I'm too weak. My arms and legs don't respond as they should and my head is so foggy. Everything's turning around and around and around… I-I'm flying again! Or am I? No… I'm falling… I'm falling and-_

 _And land in his arms. Maybe I'm already dead. I'm dead and this is Valhalla. That's the only explanation for this wonderful feeling of being in his arms again. So warm... I try to get closer but moving is hard… I want to stay here in his arms forever… I manage to open my eyes and there he is. I can see his eyes, filled with anxiety and worries and I want to say something, anything, to tell him it's alright, that he has to let me go… But I don't have the strength for any of this anymore. I think I can hear his voice, he's saying something to me but I can't understand him. I'm slipping away and all that is left is the wonderful sound of his voice and the warmth of his arms around me._

 _But all too soon he is gone again and I'm cold. I can feel the cold stone on my back and cold air around me and I shiver. I'm so cold…_

 _"_ _You need to stay with us!" I hear his voice a little clearer again. "I can't imagine a world without you in it…" he whispers and I want to cry. I'm so sorry! It is all my fault… But he's going to know how such a world will be in a very short time. I wish I could answer, smile, look at him one last time, but I'm too weak, too tired to move. And I'm so cold…_

 _Everything's a blur… I hear their voices, see their bleary movements and I drift in and out of consciousness. Once, I can feel his warm hand on my arm I think, but I'm too far gone, everything is so fuzzy and faint. I cough and my whole body hurts. It hurts! And it is so cold… Why is it so cold all of a sudden?_

 _"_ _Hang in there, Astrid." Hiccup's voice echoes through the thick fog inside my head, muffled and distorted. "Just a little longer. Please! For me!" I would laugh if I could._ For him… _I'd do everything for him! Just a little longer… well, I can try to do that I suppose. Just a little… longer… It's so cold…_

 _I'm barely able to open my eyes but I need to stay awake! Something happens, something important. I can hear our dragons roaring, the sound of their attacks and – are those crossbows? There's a fight! I… I need to help, to do something_ , anything _! But all I'm able to accomplish is fighting down the darkness around my thoughts and although I can't get up to fight or even manage to open my eyes I can at least hear their voices more clearly now. There are many of those, all shouting at each other. There are Hiccup and Snotlout, of course, and Fishlegs calling out "You're a monster!" close by. That's strange… Why is he saying that, and to whom? I put in even more effort into understanding what's happening around me, into making out what they are talking about and-_

 _"_ _Ryker?"_

 _I freeze, my entire being recoiling from that name. Ryker! Ryker is here? Then so are his Dragon Hunters, maybe even… I put all my strength into listening harder, understanding what they are saying. I can hear Hiccup yelling and another one's voice. That has to be Viggo. I never heard his voice before, but… It has to be him._

 _For a moment, I am relieved. Finally, Hiccup found him! Now, he can take back the Dragon Eye and all this madness is going to end. But when they keep talking, my foggy mind has a hard time to comprehend what's going on. Profits and losses… I don't understand what this is about… A dragon? Viggo wants Hiccup to just let him leave with a captured dragon? As if Hiccup would ever agree to that…_

 _"_ _Okay, Viggo. Okay, you win. Take him. Take the dragon." Hiccup's frantic voice echoes toward me. What? No, I must be hallucinating! He would never- "But leave us with what we came for, the Scourge antidote. Buffalord Saliva. I'm not leaving here without it. That's a loss I'm not willing to take."_

 _No! He mustn't do that! "No. Hiccup." I try to intervene. "Don't give him... Not for me." But I'm not sure anyone heard me. Hel, I'm not even sure all this is actually happening! Those words exhausted me and I can't hold on to reality anymore. I try to pull myself together. For him… But it's so hard… Everything is so blurry again… and…_

 _Suddenly, there's something in my face, on my lips… It feels strangely familiar, the rough wooden cup on my lips, the pressure as it gets lifted to pour its slimy content into my mouth. It tastes awful! I almost gag as the gooey liquid runs down my throat, agonizingly slowly._

 _"_ _I know. I know." Hiccup's soothing voice whispers. "Just drink." And I do. I'd do everything he says… It is too late, I'm too weak to fight any longer but I'd do everything for him. I wish I could do more…_

 _But then I can feel it… it's working! Only seconds passed but I can already feel that it's working. My arms and legs still feel wobbly but I can feel my strength returning and the fog inside my head is resolving._

 _"_ _Hiccup…" I mumble the most important thing on my mind right now. "I think… I think…"_

 _"_ _It's working!" He exclaims and then it hits me._

It's really working! _I realize, almost shocked. He did it! Again, Hiccup did what was supposed to be impossible._

 _Carefully, I pull myself back up on my feet, surprised by how easy it is all of a sudden. But, well, staying upright is not equally simple… I stumble and would have fallen if Hiccup hadn't caught me. I feel his warm familiar hands on my arms and wish I could just lean over, cuddle against him, maybe kiss him… But the fog in my head lightens further and I notice our friends around us. This is not the right time. We'll get the chance to talk, later. Because now, there is a later again!_

 _I turn toward the nearest of our friends around us, not wanting them to get any ideas. It's Fishlegs I think but I barely register him. I don't care really, I'm still too baffled to still being alive! Stormfly greets me, too, and I'm glad to see her. She must have been worried for me as well. I cuddle and scratch her as she nuzzles me but my mind is still some yards behind me._

 _Hiccup did it… he saved me! Against all odds, he succeeded. I can't believe it… for centuries, no-one has even heard of a living Buffalord and he managed to find one within days only. For me…_

* * *

 **Dear Diary**

Here I am again, alive and well and all these past weeks, the Scourge of Odin… It all feels like a dream to me. You might think of it as a nightmare and I can't deny that it was a rather unpleasant experience but… Well, it wasn't all horrible!

It was nice to have Hiccup care for me… We grew closer during that time again, the awkwardness of the weeks before entirely gone now. He's still guarded and wouldn't kiss me or anything and yet… There's more again. I don't know how to describe it but…

I still miss him, his warmth, his kisses, his arms around me at night and yet… And yet it is not as bad as it used to be, not as painful. He said it once, his feelings haven't changed but I think I didn't really believe him. I think a part of me feared that his obsession about Viggo might have been just a pretense, an excuse to stay away from me. I know that's stupid with all the things he'd gone through because of that but that's just how I felt. And it made being near him so much harder, not knowing where we stand really…

But now… After what he said and did… Now I'm sure of his feelings again! He might have his reasons to stay away and maybe he's going to tell me about them someday or maybe he won't, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that I can be around him again without wanting to rip something apart, can work with him without it being awkward in between. I don't know what it is that's holding him back, not really, but… Well, to say I don't care would be a lie! But it is not important. He still has feelings for me and if he keeps his distance nonetheless, then I'm sure he has good reasons. I just hope those reasons can be swept off, can be made undone in the not too far future.

* * *

 **1.7 A Grim Retreat**

 **Dear Diary**

Things are getting exhausting lately! Ever since Viggo crossed Hiccup's path again after all those months now, he's obsessed with another idea. This one is not such a bad one and I actually agree with it but as so often lately, Hiccup is just overdoing it!

He tries to turn the Edge into a fortress and you know very well I'm not aversed to building up our defenses. But he's going just a little over the top, tries too much in too short a time. Strengthening our huts and the other buildings with plates made of Gronkle Iron simply takes time! We can't work hour after hour all day long, day after day and neither can our dragons. I tried to point out that we're all tired, humans and dragons alike, and even the idea of a vacation came up but Hiccup just didn't listen. But that's not surprising, really. _He_ is used to working his butt off when he has a goal after all…

But I have to finish here, Fishlegs wanted to talk to me. He said he might have an idea how to convince Hiccup to let us all take a break after all, one that includes reasonable facts rather than just grumbling and moaning. That does sound promising so we might actually have a chance to convince him.

* * *

 _"_ _Hookfang and I decided, no more_ vacation _for us." Snotlout states tiredly, emphasizing the word vacation and I know exactly what he means._

 _"_ _I think a better plan would be when we need a break, we'll just stay a little closer to home." I agree and Fishlegs chimes in, too. These_ vacations _really don't deserve to be called that._

 _"_ _Actually," Hiccup says hesitantly. "the best plan would be for me to lighten up a little on my Viggo obsession." I stare at him disbelievingly and wide-eyed but he just throws me a cautious and embarrassed smile. I don't know how many times I used that phrase on him and every time he vehemently objected to the word_ obsession. Reasonably worried _, that's what he'd called it…_

 _I smile back at him, wholeheartedly. Finally! If he finally realized he's literally been obsessed by hunting Viggo down then chances are good things will truly return to normal from now on._

 _The Chief and Gobber approach and there seems to be some kind of misunderstanding concerning Tuff's chicken but in opposition to Snot, Ruff, and Fishlegs, I'm not really interested in that. Instead, I lean against Stormfly's side, head resting against her neck. This trip really was exhausting and I'm looking very forward to lying down in my bed and get a good night's sleep._

 _"_ _Astrid? Do you have a moment?" I wince at Hiccup's words, haven't expected him to approach me like that. I glance back toward the stable's entrance and see Gobber and Stoick following our friends up toward the Clubhouse, still arguing about the two chickens in their arms. We're alone…_

 _"_ _Sure, Hiccup. What's up?" I ask nonchalantly, but I can feel my heart beating rapidly. I don't dare to hope! Not really, no, I won't! But I do…_

 _Hiccup steps toward me, closer than he's done in a very long time and I can feel the blood rushing through my veins. I'm instantly wide awake, my former weariness forgotten for now and look up at him. And don't like what I see._

 _Hiccup has a pained expression on his face that doesn't match what I've hoped he might have to say. He gazes at me for a moment, regret and guilt plain on his face and I swallow. Please, Freya, what is it this time? He gets even closer, close enough for him to brush his lips against my forehead for a moment. "I'm sorry," he finally whispers. "You were right. About the obsession, I mean. I should have listened to you."_

 _I nod, breathing a little faster than usual. I don't know what to say to that. Of course I was but I shouldn't point that out. I'm just glad he's finally sensible enough to see it, too. "So, everything's back to normal again?" I ask hopefully and lift my hands to place them on his chest. I long to feel him again! But he catches my hands before they reach him and hold them tightly, hold them down, away from him._

 _"_ _Yes," Hiccup answers cautiously. And his voice hints for more… "but only partially. I… we…" He breaks off and swallows, obviously trying to gather his thoughts while I can't say anything. I just can't! Not with him so close and not with the_ but _that's hanging between us. "Viggo…" He finally begins and I close my eyes. Nothing good ever comes from that man… "I'm not sure how much you've noticed but he… he infected you on purpose!" he states and I frown._

 _"_ _How should he have done that?" I ask uncomprehendingly. "How should he have known I'd be there that day?" But Hiccup shakes his head._

 _"_ _I'm not sure how he did it, how he was able to even find traces of the Scourge again. But I guess they've been watching us all along, knew of our routines, our scouting trips… It was no coincidence that Viggo's ship was there, exactly in the path of your planned route. He counted on you to get infected, knew I would do everything to save you. He only needed to follow us, knew I would lead him to the Buffalord… I-" He exhales sharply against my hair and I can see he's trembling. "I can't let anything like that happen again! You almost died! He almost killed you just to get to me, to get that dragon. You were right, I was obsessed with finding Viggo but I fear the same goes for him as well. He's obsessed, too, with finding dragons. He seems to see it as a challenge, whether he can take them before I get the chance to save them. For him, it is all just a game but it is a dangerous one! People can get killed! You could…" He gulps again. "I can't let him think he can use you to get to me ever again. I couldn't bear to lose you…"_

 _I stare at his chest right in front of me but my eyes don't really see anything. I can see where he's going with these thoughts and I don't like the path they take. I can see where it leads him…_

 _"_ _We can't be together," he whispers, his voice thick with emotions. "As long as I'm not able to protect you, I can't be with you. I just… can't…" He leans in closer for a moment again, his lips brushing my skin once more and I take a hiccupy breath. I want to object, his logic is so wrong but he doesn't give me the chance to do so. "I'm sorry!" He murmurs and hurries past me and out of the stables._

 _I gaze after him and try to keep my bruised heart in one piece. Nothing has changed, really. We know about our feelings and yet, we're not a couple anymore. Only now he added this note of hopelessness to it! His logic is so wrong! Viggo couldn't have known I would be there that day, it was a spontaneous decision! Maybe a week wouldn't have made much difference, but still… It could have been anyone else instead of me! No, Viggo didn't plan to infect me specifically. He planned to infect anyone! Because he sees through Hiccup, maybe even better than he himself. Because Hiccup would go to this length to save every one of his friends, not just me._

 _I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep myself together, to not fall apart. It doesn't matter whether we're together or not, Viggo could use our bond, our friendship against us just as easily._

 _But I won't let that happen! With this, Viggo crossed a line and I won't forgive him for that! Up until now, Viggo was just another enemy, another madman who needs to be stopped but now he made this personal. Hunting dragons and keeping hostages, that's one thing. But even from afar, he managed to drive a wedge between Hiccup and me and I won't forgive him for that! From now on, Hiccup has my full support with whatever he plans. We'll hunt him down whatever it costs!_

* * *

 **A/N: Another rollercoaster... Please, please, leave a review and tell me what you think about this, what you liked or didn't like. Those mean a lot to me! :)**


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